CHAPTER TWO: DON'T MAKE FACES

Jayne woke the next morning to find the space next to him cold and empty. But the smell of frying bacon wafting past his nose drew him out of bed and into the kitchen. River stood at the stove, crisp white apron over a brightly colored dress. She had a pot of xi fan going on the back burner and eggs and bacon sizzling in a pan. She turned as he entered, smiling up at him.

“Zao an.”

“Morning.” He sniffed the air appreciatively. “Something smells good.”

“Anything smells good when you’re not the one cooking it.”

“Hey! What’s that suppose ta mean?” He reached out and snagged her by the waist, pulling her in for a good morning kiss. When he slid his hand over the curve of her buttock to pull her closer, he was jolted out of the kiss by direct application of a spatula to the side of his head.

“You’ll ruin breakfast!”

“Nah.” He nudged her in the direction of the kitchen table where all the condiments were set out, making her beam up at him. “Why don’t I take care a the cookin’ today, huh?”

He had the food done in short order but before they could eat, someone came knocking on their front door. Jayne pulled out his gun and went to see who it was. He nudged the little curtain apart using the gun barrel. Ralph stood on their front porch, with his hat in his hands and a grave expression on his face.

Jayne tucked his gun back into his waistband and opened the door. “Sheriff, what’re you doin’ here so early?”

“Is River here?”

“’Course she is. Where else would she be?”

“Good, good. Listen, Jayne, I need ta talk ta the two a ya. Is this a good time?”

“Uh, no?”

River invited Ralph in anyway. They sat down in the living room with cups of real green tea, or in Jayne’s case, tea and his breakfast. Jayne and River sat together on the settee, Ralph in an armchair across from them.

“So, Sheriff, whatchu wan talk abou’?” Jayne asked around a spoonful of porridge.

He cleared his throat uncomfortably. “It’s about the men River shot last night.”

“What about ‘em?”

“We found both of ‘em in the trees like ya said. But Jayne, they was nearly on the other side of ‘em! That’s near two hundred feet away from where she was standin’! Colt’s only got an accurate range of a hundred an’ fifty. Even if they kept runnin’ after, they was shot right through the middle a the chest, ain’t no way she coulda got ‘em like that. Nonna us ever seen anythin’ like it an I been a lawman fer forty five years.”

Jayne paused in the middle of a bite and glanced over at River. She was staring steadily into her cup of tea, nibbling on her lip but she didn’t look like she was about to fall apart. Feeling his eyes on her, she looked up at him. “Was expecting this. Had time to prepare. Glad he came by himself.”

“I was jokin’ the other day when I said I didn’ think ya’d ever held a gun before, Jayne.” continued Ralph, rubbing his balding head. “That’d be impossible, man like yourself. But I ain’t jokin’ when I say that ‘bout River. An’ the way she was holdin’ that Colt last night. That thing ain’t no peashooter!”

Jayne glared at the bewildered Sheriff. “So what’s that gotta do with anything? Plenty a women folk can shoot. Just don’t like ta make a fuss about it.”

“I’m sayin’… Aw, hell, I dunno what I’m sayin’!” Ralph ran a hand over his face. “I looked those men up on the Cortex last night, them’s stone-cold mercs, contract killers. Look Jayne, if either a ya are in trouble, ya oughta tell me. Don’ wanna see either a ya gettin’ hurt, ‘specially you, River.”

He looked hard at her but River just smiled reassuringly back at the older man. Jayne huffed in annoyance.

“Don’t make faces, Jayne. The Sheriff must be told sometime.”

“Fine, but yer doin’ the talkin’.”

Jayne, Mal and Zoë sauntered into the dark warehouse, casually glancing at all the merchandise. The space was packed with stolen goods, some of which the rightful owners did not want to buy back nor write off as a loss, which was where the three of them came in.

Jayne examined the stacks of unmarked crates with a jaundiced eye. “How in the gorramn hell is we suppose to know where anything is?”

“Not to worry, Jayne. Info says what we’re after is in the southeast corner. Crate’s suppose to be big and blue and mostly empty.”

All the crates were blue and three feet square, stacked into groups three tall and four squared.

“That sure is descriptive, sir.”

Jayne and Zoë looked over at their captain. He looked back at them and shrugged. “Well, guess we better start looking.”

Luckily it wasn’t a very large warehouse and most of the crates were stuffed full but it still took them the better part of an hour to find the crate they were looking for. They finally found it at the very far back, against the wall. Zoë popped the latches holding it closed and gestured to the handle.

“Want to do the honors, sir?”

“Don’t mind if I do.” He lifted the lid and they all stared down into the crate… in which sat three wooden babushka dolls.

“We did all that searching for these pieces a gou pi dolls?!” Jayne exclaimed.

“Hey! I’ll have you know, these here dolls are an extremely valuable commodity. They’re cute and smugglers and other persons of questionable repute like ‘em cuz they’re hollow on the inside.”

Jayne opened his mouth but Zoë cut him off. “No sense in arguin’, Jayne. We get the goods, we get paid.”

“Right, so let’s grab ‘em and go.” added Mal. He pulled the dolls out of their crate and stuffed them into a bag slung over his shoulder.

They made their way out of the maze of crates, only to walk straight into the path of a guard. They froze.

“What ‘er ya doin’ in ‘ere?”

“Just havin’ a look around, sir.” replied Mal. “It’s a very fine warehouse you have here.”

“Oh reeaally?” The guard was not convinced. He squinted and pointed his gun at them, clearly not the typical rent-a-cop. “Whatchoo got in that bag there?”

“Oh, nothing.” Mal glanced over at the other two. Jayne just snorted and Zoë rolled her eyes. He was clearly not getting any help from that quarter.

The guard cocked his gun. “Why don’ ya jus’ put that bag down and put yer paws in the air.”

The three glanced at each other and broke off running in different directions.

“Git back ‘ere!” shouted the guard. They heard him get on his comm. link and call for back up.

Mal took a cue from the guard. “Albatross! Could use a little rescuin’ here!”

“Two minutes and four seconds, captain.”

Mal growled. River being so close could only mean that she had known something would happen. He was going to have to have words with the girl about warning them ahead of time because their easy as pie plan was getting all shot to hell. Jayne had climbed up on top of the crates to Mal’s right, returning fire on the guards, most of which were now chasing after him as he ran to the end of the row. Zoë was dodging bullets of her own as she maneuvered easily between the stacks. Mal dashed behind a group of crates on his left. Sticking his head out, he saw the large doors of the warehouse just ahead of him. He slipped out from behind the stack and made for the doors. Suddenly, Zoë and Jayne slammed into him on both sides.

“Didn’t you say somethin’ about walkin’ in an’ walkin’ right back out again?” complained Jayne. His gun clicked empty. “Knew I shoulda brought a coupla extra clips.”

More men emerged from the gloom of the warehouse, making for a total of nine guns trained on their persons. The three of them slowly backed away from the advancing guards.

“Jayne?”

“Don’ lookit me! I ain’t kooky.”

As soon as the words left his mouth, the doors exploded open and the mule came crashing into the warehouse. It swung sideways, thrusters burning arcs on the wooden floor and allowing River, who could barely see over the controls, to stand and lay down cover fire for her companions in crime. Not about to stick around, the three in the warehouse dove for the mule. Their backsides had barely made contact with the seats before the vehicle was moving again. Jayne yelped when he realized he was sitting on a rifle that was lying across the bench waiting for him. Weapon in hand he twisted around with a feral grin to give the guards ample reason not to follow.

“So what yer tellin’ me is that the two a ya were… pirates?” Ralph stared at them, unable to reconcile this new information about the two of them just yet. Since Jayne’s arrival in Billings, he had been very careful about not getting into fights, fists or otherwise. It had driven him crazy for a while until he discovered what the Shepard meant about redirecting his energy into other pursuits, if a little reversed.

“Well, not precisely.” hedged Jayne. “We was more like, what was the feller’s name? Robin Hood!”

River rolled her eyes. “Piloted a mid-bulk transport class code 03-K64 Firefly. Sometimes the back up gun and mule driver. Jayne was the public relations officer.”

The Sheriff’s snort made his thoughts on Jayne’s abilities in that arena plain. “So ya have held a gun before?”

“Many times, Sheriff.” River said, patiently.

“So if ya’ll were pirates, what’er ya doin’ in Billings runnin’ a bar?”

Jayne growled. “Got tired a riskin’ my neck for gorramn nesting dolls.”

“Wanted to be with Jayne.” explained River, though the Sheriff was pretty sure there was a little more to it than just wanting to be with Jayne. Pretty girls like her might run off with the bad boy Ralph was sure that Jayne was, but they didn’t stick around and bad boys didn’t settle down like Jayne had either. When she’d first arrived, rumor had it that River was pregnant but when it was clear she wasn’t, the town’s busy bodies had been left scratching their heads.

“So ya sure ya didn’t leave any trouble behind?” questioned Ralph. “Jus’ wanna be prepared.”

“Sheriff, your concern is appreciated.” River said, reassuringly, “But it is unlikely that the events from last night will be repeated.”

Ralph didn’t seem quite sure that he believed her but he stood and put on his hat. “Well, alright then. I’ll jus be takin’ my leave. Got things ta do down at the station.”

After the door closed behind the Sheriff, Jayne and River looked at each other with matching sighs of relief.

“Ya really think no one’ll come after us again?” Jayne asked after a beat.

“The future is not set in stone.”

“That’s real reassurin’ there, Kooky.”

The excitement over the shooting and the incident at the fair gradually faded and the bar soon returned to business as usual, though River seemed to have won over a few new regulars. Thirty minutes ‘til midnight and Sunday morning found them looking forward to their day off since no one but the church and the general store were open on Blue Law Sundays. The two of them were locking the front door when River suddenly spun around, back flat against the wall, eyes searching the darkness. Though she had told the Sheriff that it was unlikely that they would be attacked again, they hadn’t relaxed their guard.

“Kooky?” Jayne moved over to River. Her cry of “Don’t!” was cut off by the sting of tranquilizer darts.

“Jayne!” River ducked behind one of the wide wooden posts holding up the porch roof, pulling a tiny six shot revolver he liked to call Maria but she called John just to tease him, out from under her skirt. Gorrammit, he thought to himself. Stay focused. He yanked the darts out of his shoulder and went for the LeMat. He was feeling a touch of wooziness but if he could just get River and himself to the mule, they would be able to get away.

River could feel Jayne’s mind beginning to wander and knew that she needed to act before he passed out completely. Luckily, it would take some time for the drugs to really affect him but wait too long and she’d have to haul his fine pi gu home by herself. No way was she ever doing that again. Reaching out with her mind, she pinpointed the location of the man who had taken up a sniper position behind the facade of a building across the street. He was only armed with a tranquilizer gun but he would still be the first to go. From his mind, she leapfrogged to the men lying in wait at either end of the street.

“Jayne, are you still with me?” She asked.

“Yeaup.” He replied. He was slouched against the wall but his gun hand didn’t waver.

“One on the rooftop, three there and there.” She gestured to where they were hiding. “I’ll get the sniper. Can you get to the mule and find the Sheriff?”

“’Course I can.” He grinned sloppily at her. “Just like old times, huh?”

River shut her eyes, the location of the man, his distance in relation to her and the others, the range of her weapon and a hundred other variables flying through her head. She stuck her gun out from behind the post and fired once. The man slumped, scope shattered and his eye exploded. “Yes, Jayne, just like old times.”

Things happened quickly after that. With the sniper gone, River dashed into the middle of the road, running for the end of the street furthest from the bar. The men saw her coming and moved to ring her in, just as she knew they would. She slipped easily between two of them, dancing to the side, lining them up in her sights. Number One dropped easy, bullet to the brain pan. Number Two was too close so she crushed his larynx with her fist. He died gasping. Number Three came at her with a needle but she knocked it out of his hands with a kick before he even realized she was within reach. Her booted foot retraced its arc through the air and snapped his neck on the way down.

A few blocks over, Ralph was sitting in the Sheriff’s office with Herbert and a nice hot cup of fresh coffee. Their gun belts lay across their desks, expecting the typical Saturday night. Suddenly, the sound of gunshots broke the quiet. Ralph sat up straight, listening intently, while Herbert fell over backwards in surprise.

“Ya hear that Herb?” asked Ralph as he buckled his belt around his waist.

“Yeah, Ralph, it came from eastside.” The deputy said as he picked himself up off the floor. He grabbed his own gun as he ran out to catch up with the Sheriff.

For his part, Jayne had used River’s distraction wisely. They kept the mule hitched to the side of the building, two shops down. Despite the heaviness creeping into his limbs, he managed to get himself to the last shop before the men hiding there even knew he was coming. By the time they realized he was on them, he’d shot one and knocked out another but that was where things started going fuzzy. The tranquilizer had slowed his reaction time and he couldn’t move fast enough to avoid the bullet that thudded into his shoulder. It knocked him off balance, sending him sprawling on his back in the dirt. He heard a hammer being pulled back and braced himself, thinking he was a goner for sure but the pain he expected never came. By the time he was able to get his sluggish head off the ground and look around, it was all over. The third man lay motionless, River standing over him with his own gun in her hand.

“Jayne? Are you alright?”

She dropped the gun and moved to his side. She swore softly when she saw the blood welling up from his shoulder. Kneeling, she pressed down on the wound, casting about for something to soak up the blood. Finding nothing suitable, she pulled off her sweater and folded it into a square.

“Jayne? Can you still hear me Jayne?”

“Yeaa.”

She breathed a sigh of relief. He was still conscious. The tranquilizer was probably doing something to keep his mind off the pain but she was going to have to get help for him soon. She undid his belt, pulled it out of the belt loops and buckled it around both her sweater and his shoulder. It wasn’t as tight as she would’ve liked but it was the best she could do.

She ran her hands over his body, checking for other injuries. “Are you hurt anywhere else?”

“Naauh.”

“ Jayne, I need to get you to your feet but you will have to help me. Dong ma?” He nodded. She hooked her arm under his uninjured shoulder and took hold of his other hand with hers. “On the count of three now. Yi, er, san!”

With a groan, she managed to haul him upright, muttering about angels. Staggering under his weight, she settled his arm over her shoulders and put her arm around his waist. She was about to take a step when she looked up and saw two figures on horseback.

“Ya wanna tell me what the ruttin’ hell just happened?” demanded Ralph.

Translations Xi fan – rice porridge, literally: runny rice Zao an – good morning, Gou pi – crap, literally: dog fart Pi gu – ass Dong ma? – Understand? Yi, er, san! – One, two, three!

Fun Facts: Blue laws were common in the United States and Canada during the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries. Their intended purpose was to enforce Sunday as the day of rest and so prohibited commerce on the seventh day of the week, most notably the sale of alcohol. Interestingly, many establishments endorsed these laws as it allowed them to have a day off without having to worry about their competition. Most states have by now repealed these laws although there are a few which still observe them. More information

Rice porridge is also known as rice congee and is traditionally eaten by the Chinese and other Asian people for breakfast, supplemented with a variety of condiments such as pickled leeks, chili bamboo or various kinds of shredded meat. My personal favorite is century egg and pork congee. More information

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