The Dr. Tam Journals – Part 8 – Out of Gas

Morning came too quickly for Kaylee and she felt like she needed another hour or two of sleep to feel right. It was her own fault, staying awake, reading Simon’s journal to the wee hours, her eagerness to know everything overcoming her common sense which told her she needed her rest also. She felt Simon tug on her shoulder one more time and she turned her back to him, snuggling up under the covers and facing the wall.

“Ten more minutes,” she managed to croak, her mouth dry.

“You said that ten minutes ago,” Simon teased. “And twenty minutes ago also. Mal’s been asking for you. And River is eager to start the electronics diagnostics.”

Kaylee groaned. Slowly she turned and looked at him. Simon was already dressed and looked like he had washed and shaved also. “What time is it?”

“Almost 9,” he said with a smile and she sat up immediately.

“What? You should’ve wakened me!” she exclaimed.

“Well, I’ve been trying. Just seems you want to stay in bed all day,” he said. Then Simon grew more serious. “You aren’t sick…are you?” He immediately put a hand to her forehead.

“No. Just…went to bed late…was reading… you know.”

He took his hand away. “Oh. How far did you get?”

“Canton. Jayne the hero. You having dreams about having sex with me.” She grinned as she said this last, waiting for his reaction.

His reaction was puzzled. “Ah, I didn’t exactly write that I dreamed of …of making love, did I? I can’t remember. Wasn’t…no I ‘m sure I wrote I just dreamed...about you.” He turned to the desk and grabbed the notebook but Kaylee was at his side in a flash and took it from him. He didn’t protest and just looked at her, hair disheveled, silk night dress askew, looking very lovely in the morning.

“You dreamed about making love to me, didn’t you?” she said, holding the book to her chest, an impish grin on her face.

Simon smiled. “Ok, you’re right. I didn’t write it but after that joke you made about us making love, I couldn’t get the thought out of my head.”

He sat on the bed and Kaylee put the journal on the desk and sat beside him. “Usually after one of my “brushes with death”, of which there have been many since River and I came on board Serenity, I have nightmares.”

“I know baby. So do I,” she replied, both growing quiet thinking on their many such close shaves.

“But after that man, that partner of Jayne’s, beat me and threatened to kill me, you were there and all I could think of was you. I think that’s, well, that’s when I…. began to love you.”

She hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “I think the same happened to me. When I saw you laying in the dirt, that monster standing over you with a shotgun, my heart almost broke in two.”

He said “I love you” and she replied the same and Simon kissed her forehead and stroked her hair and Kaylee held her husband for a long time, the two just enjoying the presence of each other. Then Kaylee remembered something else from the journal.

“Said you couldn’t sleep. Did you do anything…to relieve the tension?”

He was aghast she had asked such a question. “Kaylee! That’s something…I…let’s not talk about that.”

“Why not? Everyone does it.”

“Maybe…but…wait…you’ve…done it?”

“Course. Many times. Thinking of…you mostly, before we finally did it.”

He just looked at her in amazement. ”I’ve never met someone so…open like you.”

“Want to hear the details?” she teased, rubbing his back, leaning in close, brushing her lips on his neck, feeling his beating pulse…and then a knock came to the door.

“Simon? Kaylee?” It was River.

“Come in, River” Simon said, a little too hasty and Kaylee groaned in disappointment.

“Tell me later,” Simon whispered. “I do want to know.”

Kaylee felt happy inside and said good morning as River entered. She was dressed in a set of Kaylee’s overalls, ready for a day of work as apprentice to Kaylee.

“All ready, sweetie?” Kaylee asked.

“Aye, boss. Whenever you are,” she replied and looked at Simon. “Jayne’s been asking for you. His shoulder. He’s in the infirmary.”

Simon signed. “Ok. Guess the real world needs us.” He stood and said goodbye to Kaylee and River and made his way to the infirmary.

Kaylee stood and put the journal back with the rest of Simon’s books. River looked at it, fingered the spine of its red leather cover.

“Found Simon’s journal,” she said matter-of-factly. Kaylee looked at her in shock.

“You…know about this?”

“Read most of it.” She replied and then said to Kaylee in a conspiratorial tone. “He doesn’t know, does he?”

“He gave it to me,” Kaylee replied. “Didn’t want any secrets between us. But he doesn’t know…you read it?”

“Nope. He’d be mad. Very private you know. Well, I guess you do know. Just wanted to see what he wrote about everyone. He really hated Jayne and Mal at first. Maybe Jayne still. He always kept diaries when we were growing up. I always read them and he never knew. He gets all mushy about women, like with you.” She rolled her eyes at this.

Kaylee couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “You mean…he wrote about other women?”

“Always. And about medicine, operations, our parents, me. His brain is always overflowing with information which he has to get out as soon as possible. Then he goes back over it again to see what he thought and wrote. But this one is different. Well, mostly, because we’re here, and because of what has happened. With me. Serenity. And because of you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah. He did marry you. That never happened before.”

“Oh…that’s…good.”

“So, are we working today?” and just like that River changed the topic and seemed no more interested in the journal.

“Ah, yeah, just let me use the washroom, get changed and grab a quick bite. I’ll see you in the engine room in say, twenty minutes?”

River smiled and left Kaylee and Simon’s room without another word. Her reading Simon’s journal took Kaylee totally by surprise. She knew everything about his search for a cure for River, about his feelings for Kaylee, about what he thought of the other crew members, about Simon’s suspicions about her mind reading abilities. She wasn’t sure how Simon would react if he found out. He never got angry at River, despite her fears he would get mad. She had never seen him once shout at her or say anything negative about River. He was totally supportive and protective of her and it was true love. Kaylee didn’t feel jealous because it was a different kind of love, the way she felt about the Capt’n or her father. Her and Simon’s love was more intense, more all consuming, and very physical, to the point where if she didn’t see him for a long stretch, even a few hours, she began to ache for just a few seconds contact with him.

She dressed, used the washroom, and made her way past the infirmary, wanting to stop a few moments to tell Simon what she was up to. Jayne was on the examining table and Simon was tending to his shoulder.

“No more weights until this heals!” Simon said in an exasperated voice to Jayne as he repaired the stitching in Jayne’s shoulder.

“I gotta stay in shape, Doc.”

“Three days. Promise me.”

Jayne grunted. “Alright. Three days.” Jayne spotted Kaylee. “Morning, sleepy head. Mal’s looking for you.”

“He say why?”

“Nope.”

Simon turned, smiled at Kaylee. “Lots to do?”

“I’ll be busy all morning. See you for lunch?” she asked.

“Sure. Have a good day,” he said.

“You, too.”

Jayne laughed. “Swear you two weren’t gonna be on the same ship all day.”

Simon just looked at him. “It’s called marriage.”

“Remind me to never say ‘I do’,” Jayne retorted.

Kaylee laughed. “Oh Jayne, some woman’ll sweep you off you feet and you’ll say “ I do” ‘for you know it.”

Jayne grinned. “She better be a mighty big woman to sweep me off my feet.” And they laughed, even Simon a little.

Kaylee made her way to the upper level and ran into the Capt’n in the dinning area. He was sitting, looking at the invoice for the cargo. He smiled when he saw her.

“Morning.”

“Morning, Capt’n. Been looking for me?”

“Yeah,” he began. “What did Simon say?”

Then it came to Kaylee. He’s wondering if they are leaving or not.

“Oh, Capt’n, didn’t get a chance to talk again on that. I’ll get to that first chance I get. Sorry.”

“It’s OK. Still a few more days to Persephone. Have some breakfast. Things to do.”

She hesitated a moment, looked around, no one was about. “Did you talk to…?”

He quickly cut her off. “No. Not yet. Ain’t had a …chance to.”

“Oh. Well, still a few more days.”

“Yeah.” Was all he said and then he walked to the fore hall and headed for the bridge without another word. Kaylee sat down, glum, worried about all the changes to come, her and the Capt’n both putting off things that needed deciding.

She quickly ate some oatmeal and had a cup of tea, finishing just as River appeared from the fore hall, looking kind of strange. She looked at Kaylee and Kaylee got an uncomfortable feeling.

“You know, too,” was all she said.

“River?” but River walked past and said, “Electronics check.” And headed to the engine room. Kaylee thought on what River was talking about. She had just come from the bridge where the Capt’n was…oh, about Inara. River knew and knew that Kaylee knew. It was too confusing to think on now and Kaylee put her dishes away and went to the engine room.

The check took all morning and involved testing all the circuits and panels, lights and outlets. Each station and room had to be tested. It was part of the Capt’n’s attempt to make Serenity more legitimate by getting a yearly inspection sticker while on Persephone. He could have bought one on the black market, but since the time when they had all almost died when the engine blew, he wasn’t too inclined to take shortcuts when it came to the ship if they could afford it. The cargo in the hold was worth a lot and the Capt’n expected a good payday on Persephone. The repairs made after they crashed on Mr. Universe’s moon were only four months ago and he had Kaylee check and re-check them as often as possible. Kaylee didn’t mind since it was what she loved and knew that if something was wrong it needed to be fixed before it caused bigger problems.

A panel on the bridge had a burnt out light which was easy to fix. Inara stood by quietly as they tested her shuttle and gave it a passing grade and then Kaylee and River tested Shuttle II and after that invaded the crew quarters and tested there. Kaylee looked fondly on her old room and her memories there but it was too small for her and Simon together. Zoe’s room still had memories of Wash and one of his dinosaurs was on a shelf, all by itself, and Kaylee almost started to cry when she saw it. Jayne made sure he hurried to his room before they got to it and they heard him tearing something off the walls before he called them down. Kaylee caught the corner of a picture of a naked woman sticking out from under his blanket and stifled a laugh, wondering why Jayne was concerned about whether they saw that or not. Perhaps he wasn’t as crude as Simon thought he was. The Capt’n’s room was last and it was cluttered as usually. Kaylee watered his plant and straightened his desk, made his bed, and put away his clothes. River did the tests as Kaylee did this and then when she turned River just looked at her and said, “I’ve done the same for Simon. In the past.”

Simon stood by while they tested his medical equipment, helping them calibrate the scanner. After that they all had lunch, Inara, Zoe, and Jayne joining them. The Capt’n was nowhere to be seen and came only when the rest had almost finished. He and Inara exchanged pleasantries but it was stiff and formal and it was not lost on the rest. Zoe was as confused as the others and Kaylee knew the Capt’n hadn’t told her yet. After lunch Zoe cornered Kaylee in the kitchen while they both tidied up.

“What’s going on?” she asked. “Tween the Captain and Inara?”

“Ain’t supposed to say,” Kaylee replied, fearing her inability to lie was getting her in trouble again.

Zoe looked at her long and hard.

“Please, Zoe, he made me promise, I ain’t even told Simon,” Kaylee said quietly.

“She’s leaving again, isn’t she?”

Kaylee said nothing.

“Gorramn it. When’s he just going…say it.”

“He won’t.”

“Doesn’t he know time is so short…and all can be… lost.”

Kaylee looked at her and saw the sadness in her eyes and just wanted to hug her but knew that wasn’t what she wanted.

“Zoe…”

“Simon did the right thing. He loved you and told you.”

“Took him long enough.”

“But he did it. You wanted him, loved him, didn’t you? All those months?”

“More than you can ever imagine.”

“I need to have a word with that man.”

“Zoe, don’t tell him…” Kaylee said in a worried voice.

She just smiled. “Your secret’s safe. His ass ain’t.”

And she stomped away from an astonished Kaylee, knowing a determined Zoe was unstoppable and somehow Kaylee felt better and knew the situation with the Capt’n and Inara would work out.

All afternoon she and River worked on testing the water and septic systems and the radiation check of the engine and by four she and River were exhausted and the Capt’n told them that was enough for the day. He was very subdued and looked like he’d just been a bad boy about something and Kaylee knew Zoe had laid into him.

River went to the bridge to check their course and Kaylee crawled into the shower off the passenger dorm. She felt rejuvenated after the quick cleansing. Showers were limited to two minutes to conserve water. The timer wouldn’t allow anymore water flow until an hour passed so it wasn’t like they could start again right away. Kaylee could disable it and did on occasion if she was very messy. The others had tried to bribe her to reveal the secret but the Capt’n was very strict about water discipline and she never told them, not even Simon. Serenity could make some water but it was mostly recycled moisture from their breath and was for emergencies. Most of the water they used was pumped on board in two large tanks forward of the shuttles and had to last until they reached a port.

Kaylee was in their room and had just gotten dressed when Simon stopped by for a minute and grabbed his chess board, saying Inara invited him for a game and he couldn’t refuse. Inara and Simon were master players and loved to play each other. River had beaten them both and could easily do so again so they’d rather play each other. Kaylee wished him luck gave him a quick kiss, and then picked up the journal and curled up in bed with it. All her work on Serenity today reminded her of the time when she had failed, had almost cost them their lives, because she had been careless.

No one had blamed Kaylee when the engine part blew and Serenity had been knocked out and Zoe almost killed. Jayne even suggested it was the Capt’n’s fault for not replacing that part like Kaylee had asked him. The others had said it was no one’s fault and the Capt’n never even mentioned it. But deep down, Kaylee would carry the guilt with her for a long time, and felt they had said those things to make her feel better. It was her station, her responsibility, and she had failed.

She picked up Simon’s writing again shortly after the events on Higgin’s Moon. “River told me she tried to ‘fix’ Book’s Bible, claiming it made no sense at all. I tried to explain it was not about sense, but about belief. Book told me had tried the same tactic but she seemed set on ‘repairing’ it. Despite our superior education, our lack of a religious upbringing seems to be a hindrance out here. I know all the dogmas of Earth That Was and even some of the new offshoots, but I never really believed in anything, focusing all my efforts on becoming a doctor and then on saving River. Sometimes, I wish I had Book’s faith. Unlike the captain, I do believe the others have some form of religions belief. Inara is Buddhist and I believe the rest are Christian, even Jayne, although I’m sure he prays for a bag full of money and a fetching wench more than anything else.”

Kaylee herself was Christian and went to church every week as a child. She believed in a God and prayed when she was scared and believe in the Ten Commandments. The one thing she never really cared for though was the whole thing about pre-marital sex and saving yourself for your wedding night. She and her girlfriends on Taos had all lost their virginity at an early age and it was just natural for them. Her parents had caught her that one time and her father gave her a good hiding but Kaylee didn’t really care. Pleasure of the flesh was something she felt no religion should deny anyone.

Kaylee scanned the next few pages of the diary, looking for the time when they were adrift. There were several days when he wrote of River and his plans to find the right mix of drugs for her psychosis. He did a lot of research on the Cortex and felt he had the right idea. Now he just needed the drugs to make the plan work. Also, every day there was something about Kaylee, what she did, what she wore, what she said to him. River was right, it was a lot of mush, but Kaylee loved it just the same. She remembered those days and how he seemed to show up where she was or how she caught him looking at her. She enjoyed it but again it was terribly frustrating because they were still dancing around each other, friendly and warm, but not yet taking that next step.

“I wish I were on a planet or moon instead of this ship. I could ask Kaylee on a proper date and have a nice meal and maybe go dancing. I feel so restricted here, with everyone living on top of each other, not seeing blue skies or sunlight for days, weeks at a time, always worried about stepping off the ship for fear of the Alliance and the bounty on our heads. Again, I also fear taking my feelings for Kaylee further for I do not wish to start something I can’t finish or might have to run away from. I couldn’t do that to her no matter how much I desire or maybe even love her.”

There it was. The word she had been looking for. Love. He did start to love her at this time. But it wasn’t enough. All his reasons for not carrying the relationship further at that time made sense to Kaylee in hindsight but she never understood them at the time. Sometimes she felt she just wasn’t good enough for him. He was a doctor from the core, she was a mechanic from the rim, and maybe he thought she was beneath him and his station in life. She still had those feeling sometimes. Kaylee had never met his parents except for that brief wave message on their wedding day. She’d never been to Osiris or been to any fancy social functions. Well, except for that time on Persephone and that had been a disaster. Those – bitches – had seen her dress wasn’t good enough and she had acted like a real hick. Kaylee felt a sense of hopelessness about her future with Simon but just for a brief moment. A memory of her father saved her from despair. The day she left on Serenity she had only been 17 but he treated her like she was an adult. “Remember. You’re a Frye. Ain’t no one in the verse better than you. Be honest, listen to your Captain, and do your job. Make me proud.” And he kissed her and she started crying a little as she kissed and hugged her mother and then she ran to the ship before she broke down completely.

She felt good for a few moments and then remembered she hadn’t done her job that one time and they had all almost died.

“Life on Serenity has once again almost seen the end of not only me and River but of the entire crew this time. We were on a journey to Greenleaf, making our way through a very empty quadrant of space to avoid the Alliance, when disaster struck. Captain Reynolds once again pulled us back to the land of the living and I think now I would follow that man to hell and back if he asked me to. His leadership and willingness to sacrifice himself for others came to the fore this time and without it we would have perished.”

“We had just finished dinner and everyone was in a good mood, all nine of us together for a change. Kaylee surprised me with a birthday cake and I discovered that they all knew it was my birthday. I had not expected anything and didn’t tell anyone it was my birthday, not wanting any special attention. Reynolds said they found out from an arrest warrant for me and River that came on the Cortex. The warmth I felt from them, even from Jayne for a moment, made me feel that I was part of this crew after all. Kaylee’s warm smile as she placed the cake in front of me was wonderful. I looked at her for a long moment and thanked her and she visible blushed in front of everyone.”

Indeed she had! God, his smile and blue eyes burned holes in her. The Capt’n had told her the day before that it was going to be Simon’s birthday and suggested she make a cake. The way he said it, it wasn’t like an order, but kind of an understanding passed between them that this would be a good way for Kaylee to do something nice for Simon. The Capt’n and the rest knew she was crazy for Simon and he had even suggested she and Simon stay in that bar after Kaylee told him things were going “well”. The cake had been hard to make since they had no flour. She managed to put together something of a fruit bar, cracker, and protein bar cake, mostly dried goods. The icing was at least real, with some sugar and chocolate powder. Well, it wasn’t a masterpiece, but Kaylee had been proud of that cake. Unfortunately, no one got a chance to taste it.

“The lights suddenly went out and the engine stopped and started. Kaylee moved to check the engine room and Wash made to go look at the cockpit controls when the explosion happened. A ball of fire raced down the aft hall and Kaylee froze. I believe she would have died if Zoe hadn’t leaped to her and pushed her out of the way. Everything happened fast after that. Kaylee bounced off the dining lounge sofa and Zoe flew through the air towards us and the explosion threw Zoe, River, Jayne and me into a tumbled mess of bodies, chairs, dishes and food on the far side of the room. My ears rang and head ached and the first thing I saw was River was OK and Book and Inara racing for Kaylee, who was getting up and didn’t seem hurt. I turned and Zoe was unconscious and Jayne and Wash were looking at her. A quick examination showed her breathing was shallow and her heart rate weak. As I took all this in Reynolds kept his cool and he and Jayne closed off all air vets to below decks. I believe Reynolds then opened the front air lock and the fire was sucked out of the ship.”

This caused their momentum forward to slow and then stop. Reading his description of what happened did not come near to describing the experience as Kaylee remembered. There was the ball of fire and she thought she was dead. Her mind couldn’t force her body to move and if Zoe hadn’t….she’s sure she would have died, not physically as strong as Zoe. The shock would have killed her and that would have been….the end. Death came close to Kaylee several times and she shuddered as she remembered each time. But this time it wasn’t a lawman or Niska’s men or a Reaver that tried to kill her…it was her engine, her ship, her lady, and if she had died it would have been all her own fault and no one else’s.

“After the fire was out we raced Zoe to the infirmary. A quick scan revealed that she injured her head. There was no blood but swelling and her brain functions were very low. I feared that if her brain swelled too much I would be forced to open her skull to….”

Oh, here he goes again. But this time Kaylee wanted to know, wanted to know how much Zoe had suffered in saving her life. She felt she owned Zoe that much.

“…relieve the pressure. It involves removing a section of the skull and allowing the brain to swell outside. A human brain is remarkable in that it can be exposed and not be damaged. But it would have been risky with the less than adequate facilities we have and the lack of trained personnel to assist me and I am glad I never had to do it. At this time Reynolds again showed his ability to focus on the problems at hand. Wash naturally was worried sick about his wife and refused to go to the bridge to find out what had happened until he knew Zoe was going to be fine. He and the captain had a heated argument which ended with Reynolds throwing Wash against the wall and Wash leaving for the bridge. I understand both men. Zoe could have died and Wash was emotionally a mess but Reynolds had more than Zoe to worry about, he had all nine of us and his ship and he needed Wash at his post. Zoe and the captain are very close and I’m sure he was worried sick about her too but he knew what had to be done and did it to keep us alive.”

Kaylee had missed that argument. She had been in the engine room, looking at the mess the explosion and fire had made. The fire had destroyed her hammock and left scorch marks everywhere. But that was nothing compared to what it had done to the engine. She immediately saw that the engine was dead and the catalyzer on the port compression coil was…gone. She looked and finally found it under the engine, the connection to the engine nothing but twisted and torn metal. Kaylee tried to replace it but it wouldn’t fit. She also realized that the auxiliary life support system was knocked out. Kaylee switched it off and on several times and it failed to reboot. She opened the panel and saw all the circuits had been fried and were useless. Then it dawn on her that they could very well die. And she had to be the one to tell the others.

“Zoe’s heart stopped…”

What? No one told her that!

“…and I managed to bring her back with a sot of pure adrenaline straight to the heart.”

My God, she had…died! Well, Simon hadn’t written that but her heart had stopped…for how long? He saved her, like he saved Kaylee, and later saved the Capt’n, saved River, and Kaylee wondered how they had survived those years without Simon on board. Luck and more luck was all she could think of.

“As Zoe stabilized the news that we were dead in space and with failing life support was received with grim horror by the crew. I felt a sense of hopelessness and sadness, believing it was my last day and also my birthday. Dieing from lack of oxygen is not pleasant. River seemed unfazed and matter-of-factly said we would freeze to death first. She wasn’t upset or worried about what was going on and I wish I could say the same for myself. All of the crew seemed to want to be alone and we moved and said little. I stayed near Zoe in case she took a turn for the worse. Inara and I tried to comfort each other but our fears of death overshadowed all.”

Inara and he…what did he mean, “comfort each other”? Why didn’t he look for her?

“Kaylee was busy trying to solve our problems and I didn’t want to disturb her and felt I couldn’t leave Zoe’s side anyway. I had so much I wanted to say to Kaylee but it seemed pointless now…”

Pointless?! Men! She needed someone to comfort her then. Kaylee was almost in tears of frustration, trying to repair the engine and then she just…gave up. The Capt’n found her sitting on the engine floor, the broken part in her hands, and she tried to explain to him and he just wouldn’t give up, never gave up, kept encouraging her, trying to find a way to solve their problem and there was no way. But he wouldn’t give up. Simon was right, they all felt this was it except the Capt’n. And he saved them.

“Reynolds called us all together and presented his plan which was an act of desperation. We huddled together in the passenger lounge, cold and short of breath. He ordered us off the ship in the shuttles, Kaylee, Book, Jayne and Inara in her shuttle, Zoe, Wash, River and me in the other. We were to go off in different directions and hope to be rescued. When Kaylee asked if he was coming, Reynolds shocked us all by saying he was staying with Serenity, hoping a distress call we sent would attract attention. No one said it, but we all thought he was going to die, and a lot sooner than the rest of us. It seemed as if the captain was willing to sacrifice himself a few more hours of life in a desperate hope that someone would by chance pass by and save us. That his plan worked in the end makes it no less foolhardy and desperate. I can see now why he was respected by his soldiers in the war and why Zoe is so loyal.”

Kaylee had wanted to cry so badly. The guilt was consuming her believing she had failed them all. The engines were her responsibility. Shepard Book put a comforting arm around her and said it would all work out but Kaylee didn’t believe him. She wanted Simon to put an arm around her, kiss her, but he was gone to get Zoe ready for the shuttle. She went to the infirmary and looked at him.

“Kaylee came to the infirmary as I prepared Zoe for the shuttle. I asked her to help me and we placed Zoe on a stretcher. After that was done we just looked at each other. I touched her shoulder and said we would see each other again. A tear came to her eye and I brushed it away, told her not to cry, have faith. Just then Wash and River came in and it was time to leave. I looked at Kaylee for what I thought was the last time. I didn’t really believe we had any hope at all. That’s where Reynolds and I differ. Logically we all should have died. But Reynolds isn’t a very logical man and that makes all the difference.”

She had wanted to hug him, kiss him, say she loved him, but the words got stuck and she had froze again, then the others came and he made no move to her and the moment was gone, it was time to leave. She didn’t ever have a chance to say good-bye to the Capt’n and her heart was breaking as she sat on the bed of Inara’s shuttle as they left Serenity for what she thought was the last time.

“We traveled for about two hours, Wash operating the controls and radioing for help. Then Zoe woke up and played her role in saving us all. She ordered us back to Serenity to get Reynolds and Wash didn’t refuse. We arrived back at the ship and immediately saw it was moving and the engine seemed to be operating. We realized the captain had fixed the ship but didn’t know why he hadn’t called us back. Wash had rigged up a recall system in case help had arrived. Wash and I came off the shuttle, felt the warmth and fresh air and then I saw the blood on the cargo bay floor. As Wash raced to the bridge to called back the other shuttle I ran to the cargo bay and followed the blood to the infirmary where I found more blood and a mess. Then Wash screamed over the intercom to get to the bridge. The captain was face down on the floor, shot in the side, almost dead and we dragged him to the infirmary. I immediately set to work and we had only arrived just in time for he had lost a lot of blood. I hooked Wash up with a direct transfusion to Reynolds. As I prepared to remove the bullet from Reynolds, the other shuttle returned and we were all together again.”

Kaylee’s trip had been a bit different. Jayne played with his guns, worried that some criminals would find them and he’d have to protect two women and a Shepherd. Inara burned incense and prayed to Buddha, which Jayne found strange. Book was a fountain of optimism in their despair, trying to find a way to extend the shuttle’s range. Kaylee set the controls so the fuel would last longer and this saved them in the end, allowing them to return to Serenity before the fuel ran out. Kaylee felt some pride from this, but it couldn’t overcome her feelings of guilt, despite the assurances of the others that it wasn’t her fault. When they were recalled to the ship Kaylee’s heart swelled with emotion, and all four realized they weren’t going to die. Seeing the Capt’n near death tempered her feeling of joy at seeing Simon and the others. Later she and Simon had a moment alone together and told each other their shuttle stories and he just looked at her and said, “I knew I would see you again.” Ha, that’s not what he wrote, but Kaylee felt it pointless to bring this up with him now.

“We had a lot of cleaning up to do and Kaylee inspected the engine and all our systems, worried that the freezing temperatures had damaged something else. Reynolds is still in the infirmary but Zoe is up and about, although under orders to do no work. We finally got the story from Reynolds about what happened. A salvage ship had gotten our distress call and had a replacement for our damaged part. When the captain had let them on board they shot him and tried to steal the ship. Fortunately he had a hidden weapon and forced them off the ship. Jayne swore he’d killed them all if they came across them again. The captain managed to fix the engine but passed out on the bridge before he could recall us. If Zoe hadn’t woken up when she did we’d all be dead now. We are thankful to be alive and perhaps I will say a pray to the Shepherd’s Lord tonight. We are about a day out from Greenleaf now and I asked Reynolds if he wanted to check into a real hospital and he replied that I was his doctor and the infirmary was good enough. I suspect he wants to avoid any questions about how he got shot. As I talked with him Kaylee arrived and he asked her what she needed for the engine and she gave him a long list. We laughed as he said he’d get whatever she wanted, even if he had to steal it.”

Well, they didn’t get everything she wanted, but more often than not, the Capt’n was willing to splurge on the engine when they could afford it. Kaylee closed the journal as Simon re-entered their room.

“Did you win?” she asked as he said hi and put away his chess set.

“Ah, no. She’s quite the player. Companion training, I guess.”

“Yeah,” she said but her mind was elsewhere and he sensed it.

“Something wrong?”

“Simon, when we we’re adrift that time, when the explosion happened, did you and the others blame me for what happened?”

“What? No, Kaylee, why would we?”

“Cause I’m the mechanic and it was my responsibility.”

“Well, to tell the truth, I think we all put it to…fate…I guess. Like a patient I had once, He seemed fine, had a check up, was healthy, walked out of my office and dropped death of a brain aneurysm. A blood vessel in his brain burst. No one blamed me. He was only 40 years old, there was no history of such problems in his family, and he wasn’t a smoker or heavy drinker. It just…happened. Nothing could be done and no one could save him.”

“I see your point but…I could have prevented it…if I had been more careful.”

He could see that Kaylee was full of guilt even after all these months since it had happened. He sat with her on the bed and held her hand. “Kaylee, that was a while ago. We survived. Feeling bad about it isn’t going to change the fact that it happened. Everyone on this ship loves you and no one blames you. Blaming is just an endless cycle of people trying to avoid responsibility for their actions. But you’ve accepted responsibility, perhaps too much, and it s eating away inside of you. Let it go, you are forgiven.”

His words made her feel much better and she smiled and he hugged her, making it all seem better. He looked at her and said, “Now, you were going to tell me something earlier about how you…you know.”

Kaylee grinned, “Oh Doctor, I think I’ll save that for a bedtime story.”

“Well, were in bed now, aren’t we?”

She looked at him in mock shock, “Why Doctor Tam, I do believe you’re getting a filthy mind!”

“It’s the people I’m hanging out with. Tell me everything. Spare no details,” he almost begged.

She started to take off her clothes. “Even better. I’ll show you.” And she saw his eyes go wide and he gulped and Kaylee knew the rest of this afternoon was going to be very enjoyable indeed.