Who Woulda Thought?
Thursday, June 21, 2007

A spider is found on Serenity and hilarity ensues.


Who Woulda Thought? Word Count: 779 per Word Rating: PG. Pairing: Nope. Most of the crew, post BDM. Summary: A spider is found on Serenity and this is everyone’s sans Inara’s reaction to it. I decided to let her retain her dignity in this one.

Disclaimer: The great, almighty and powerful Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, etc. own the universe and characters. I'm just playing with them. Please don’t take away my shiny toys Captain.

Author’s Note: Dedicated to luxuria_oceanus who totally inspired this with her life journal post about her and a cockroach. Bao Bei, I’m sorry, but I just had to. This was so worthy of sharing. Beta'd by luxuria_oceanus and my wonderful husband, Kris.

Copyright (c) June 2007 Patricia Flynn ***** As Kaylee lays under Serenity's engine, humming happily under her breath while tweaking the compression coil yet again, she catches a movement out of the corner of her eye.

“Simon?” She queries, figuring it was probably lunchtime and he’d come to fetch her.

Getting no response, she climbs out from underneath and looks around.

That is when she takes notice of a giant spider sitting on the floor not two feet from where she had been.

Screaming, she runs from the engine room into the kitchen.

Jayne had been eating his second breakfast in the kitchen when a scream from the engine room erupts.

Jumping to his feet, he’s about to rush in there, when Kaylee’s form flies into the room and she’s quickly on top of a chair.

“What in the hell you screamin’ about girl?”

“Spider, Giant spider.” Is all she manages to stammer out.

Jayne takes off for his bunk.

Zoë and Mal, who’d been up on the bridge, pass Jayne and come tearing into the kitchen, as does Simon. All obviously drawn by Kaylee’s terrified scream.

“Kaylee, what happened?” Mal inquires.

Finger pointed toward the engine room, she screeches, “Spider. Giant spider.”

Mal turns to say something to Zoë and discovers her now standing on a chair also. His expression turns to one of humor.

Zoë’s eyes blaze, daring him to make one joke or comment.

Deciding silence is the better part of valor, Mal turns to walk into the engine room when Jayne runs into the room and jumps on a chair, Vera clutched in one hand and several grenades in the other.

“Jayne?” Mal asks.

“What?” Jayne replies, his eyes frantically searching the ground and walls leading from the engine room.

“Grenades?” Mal inquires.

“Hell yeah grenades. Gotta make sure that bugger is dead.”

“Jayne, there will be no throwing of grenades on my boat. Dong ma?”

“But Kaylee says it’s a Giant Spider.” Jayne whines.

Meanwhile, Simon is trying to calm Kaylee down but when Jayne mentions the Giant Spider again, she starts getting hysterical again.

Just then, River walks in. The large spider crawling up and down her arms.

Frantically, Jayne thrusts his grenades into his pockets before aiming Vera at the Spider.

Mal is astounded when he hears Zoë’s mare’s leg cock also.

Simon takes a half step back, clearly startled by it. Kaylee whimpers and then jumps into Simon’s surprised arms.

“Theraphosa leblondi. Goliath Spider. On Earth-that-Was it was found only in South America. Can grow up to three and a half inches long and can have a leg span of eleven inches. This one’s just a baby, only half grown. Alfred’s his name.” River giggles.

“Mal, you ain’t gonna let crazy keep him, are ya?” Jayne’s voice quavers.

River turns toward Mal, “Good pet. Keeps bugs down. Promises to keep him in her room.”

Mal folds his arms across his chest as he ponders the ramifications of the situation.

Who woulda thought that Zoë, Jayne and Kaylee were terrified of the spiders. Hell, even the Doc looks more than slightly put off by it. Thank heavens Inara was still in her shuttle, otherwise he’d have four women standin’ on the chairs.

“River,” Mal began.

Reading his intent to kill Alfred, River quickly turns pleading puppy eyes toward Mal.

“Let him off on the next planet. Will keep Alfred in a jar in her room. Feed him every day. Keep him out of trouble. Will pay his fare.”

Mal feels the crews' eyes boring holes in him even as River’s sad expression weakened him.

“As long as River keeps him penned up and lets him go on the next planet, I don’t see any reason to kill… Alfred, was it?”

At River’s happy nod, Mal continues, “however, if Alfred is discovered by anyone outside of your room, they have my permission to kill him.”

“Jayne, that means you grab a boot or somethin’ and squash him. No shooting or throwing of grenades at Alfred. Dong ma?”

Jayne grumbles under his breath before replying, “Awright.”

“Now River, why don’t you introduce Alfred to his new quarters so my crew can get back to work.”

“Thank you, Captain Daddy.” River smiles as she scampers over and places a quick kiss on his cheek before skipping down to her quarters.

Mal had to squelch his own reaction to move away when River came toward him. He wanted to keep as far away from that thing as the rest of his crew but he wasn’t about to let them know that.

“Well, I best go warn Inara about our latest passenger. Everyone back to work.” Mal whistles cheerfully as he leaves the room.


Friday, June 22, 2007 12:58 AM


A spider? Oh, you jest! I loved Zoe jumping on the chair as well, was all manner of amused that Jayne brought his grenades with him as well as Vera. And Mal, his resolve turning to jell-o when River turns those pleasing eyes on him, caving in then making his own carefully masked hasty retreat. This was fun, Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me

Friday, June 22, 2007 12:59 AM


Ooops, I meant 'pleading' not 'pleasing'. Gorram keyboard has a mind of its' own. Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me

Friday, June 22, 2007 3:03 AM


This was hilarious! I always wondered what could get under oe's calm exterior! Now I know!

Friday, June 22, 2007 3:24 AM


This fic was very cute and i liked it alot!

Friday, June 22, 2007 4:54 AM


River would have a pet spider... I was just thinking the other day about what kind of pet Mal might let on board Serenity. This is just too cute.

I can see a sequel with Jayne stalking around having an extra boot strapped to his side, right next to his holster.

:) Thanks for the entertainment.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007 4:45 PM


Oh...River would so have a big ole tarantula or snake as a pet definitely! And this scenario would totally be something that Joss & Co. would have done:D


Saturday, September 8, 2007 5:42 AM


I looked up Goliath spider images, and those suckers are HUGE! In one of the photos, someone put one on a dinner plate and its feets were near the edge.

Normally, I don't have a problem with spiders, but I think I would have been on a chair with Jayne and Zoe too.

And btw, I love the reference to Jayne as a "woman". LOL!

Friday, November 9, 2007 9:00 PM


Not sure how I missed this the first time around. Its hilarious!

My favorite part is:

At River’s happy nod, Mal continues, “however, if Alfred is discovered by anyone outside of your room, they have my permission to kill him.”

“Jayne, that means you grab a boot or somethin’ and squash him. No shooting or throwing of grenades at Alfred. Dong ma?”


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