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BLUE SUN ROOM FAN FICTION - GENERAL
Jayne's thoughts on himself and the crew
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 1195 RATING: 9 SERIES: FIREFLY
There were times that he hated his life….like most of the time.
He’d been a good kid growing up.
A big brother, a big help to his Ma.
But then he’d decided to go out into the verse.
He was the smartest boy in his class, the biggest and the strongest.
All his life they’d told him what a success he was gonna be.
Hell he might have been a success.
An important man, if he’d stayed.
But he hadn’t.
He couldn’t really blame them; he’d been the one that had gotten too big for his britches.
But they had been the ones filling his head with the certainty that he was something special.
But he was the one that had decided he was too special for that border moon.
Wasted on it.
Meant for better things.
So he’d gone out into the verse, expecting it to fall into his hand like a ripe plum.
He’d learned more in that first year than he’d learned all his life before.
He’d been a big fish in a small pond, but out here, he was nothing special.
Smart, but not smart enough, big, but there were bigger, strong, but there were stronger.
Not good enough.
He might have gone home then, but he couldn’t.
He was too ashamed.
His eyes had been opened and he saw what a small world it was, home.
He could be something big there.
But it wasn’t enough for him.
And he, even if they never thought it, would know that he had failed.
That he was nothing special.
He’d knocked around the verse, becoming someone his Ma’d be ashamed of.
Rude, crude and violent.
The knowledge of how far he’d fallen shamed him more.
And that in turn made him angry.
Made him act worse.
Which in turn shamed him over again.
It was a vicious circle.
One he had no idea how to break
So he let it keep going, and going and going.
Growing farther and farther away from the boy they’d all been sure would be someone worth knowing.
But that had gradually stopped.
Looking back he couldn’t see exactly when it had started.
But he’d have to guess it was the day Mal’d offered him a job.
He knew that he’d only done it to keep from getting killed…but it was the beginning of the end.
Kaylee had dealt the first blow.
She refused to believe that he was bad.
Even when he gave her reason to, she still wouldn’t believe it.
Book’d had done even more damage.
Every time they’d worked out he said something wise, or kind or understanding.
And he’d tried to ignore it, ignore him and write him off as a weakling.
But he wasn’t.
And he couldn’t.
Everything he’d ever said to him had landed in fertile ground, growing in his mind and his soul no matter how hard he tried to keep it from taking root.
Book’s death had just ripped him open, churned the soil given the things he tried to teach him better ground in which to grow.
It shamed him that it’d take the death of a good man, a friend to open him up to the things his Ma’d thought him when he was still on her apron strings.
The shame instead of making him angry, made him more determined to do better.
Be someone Book wouldn’t be ashamed of calling a friend.
Live up to the image little Kaylee had in her mind of him.
Oddly enough it was the doc who’d done the most damage to the man he’d become, and the one who threatened to keep him that man longer.
He’d resented the doc for a long time.
Hated him actually.
He was someone important.
Someone who could make it big in this verse.
Succeed where he had failed.
And he’d given it all up.
Without a second thought.
And for what?
For his crazy little sister.
Someone he would have to take care of for many years to come.
And even when she was better, able to care for herself.
He still would not be able to get what he had lost back.
For the rest of his life he would be nothing, and nobody special.
He couldn’t figure on doing that.
He couldn’t honestly say that in the doc’s shoes that he’d be able to do the same.
That and not the money was why he’d sold the doc out.
But that had been the true beginning of the end.
He’d been so horribly ashamed of what he’d done that he though Mal had the right of it.
He didn’t deserve to live among them.
With Book who counted him as a friend.
With Kaylee, who thought he was a man.
With Moonbrain, who he liked and respected though he couldn’t for the life of him figure out why.
With the Doc, who only treated him as a stupid Neanderthal when he’d given him reason too.
With Wash, who was willing to be his friend.
With Zoe, who respected him for his skills and was willing to make allowances for him on that basis.
And with Mal.
Mal who’d lost everything he believed in at Serenity Valley, but who still had the strength to go out into the verse and build himself another world.
And who was strong enough to make that world big enough for him, and the rset of the crew.
Kaylee started the death of the man he’d become, Book stripped away several layers of skin; the Doc had stopped his heart. But Mal had nailed the coffin shut.
Miranda had been the beginning of his new self, or rather the retreat back to his old self, his first self.
He was bound to back slide a time or two, or three where the Doc was concerned, but He was gonna be someone everyone he loved was proud to call a friend.
He was gonna be a good man if he died trying.
And according to Book that was all anyone did.
Sunday, April 15, 2007 11:00 AM
Sunday, April 15, 2007 11:22 AM
Sunday, April 15, 2007 12:16 PM
Sunday, April 15, 2007 1:55 PM
Monday, April 16, 2007 1:13 AM
Monday, April 16, 2007 7:19 PM
Tuesday, April 17, 2007 6:53 PM
Thursday, April 19, 2007 6:17 AM
Saturday, October 16, 2010 1:27 PM
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