Sign Up | Log In
BLUE SUN ROOM FAN FICTION - GENERAL
Jayne decides to play a prank on the doctor he despises…
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 1119 RATING: 9 SERIES: FIREFLY
Rating: PG-15, for profanity
Characters: crew, implied s/k (I know – don’t faint!)
Timeline: During the series, between “Bushwhacked” and “Shindig”
Disclaimer: All belongs to joss. I’m just messin’.
Author's Note: Thanks to bigbadman for the final line and inspiration. 1,802 words
Liked it? Hated it? Please let me know!
From the moment Simon Tam set foot on board Serenity, Jayne had despised him. The Good Doctor Tam represented everything the mercenary scorned. He despised the doc’s prissy wardrobe and proper manners, his haughty Core-world accent and the way he talked down to the rest of ‘em, like they was just goushi somehow got on his purty shoes.
Where Jayne was raw and muscular, Simon was slender and refined. Jayne’s clothes were sturdy and practical, while Simon’s wardrobe was smart, tailored and formal. The merc was adored by whores on most of the Rim worlds and Simon couldn’t seem to raise the nerve to kiss one li’l gal who was fallin’ all over him.
The big merc hadn’t had much luck convincin’ Mal it was a bad idea, lettin’ the doc and his fong luh sis stay onboard. An’ ai ya, if li’l Kaylee hadn’t gone all sweet on the doctor to boot. The Captain’s protectiveness and the girl mechanic’s affection for the doc made it difficult for Jayne to deal with him outright.
Still, the mercenary delighted in finding ways to embarrass and humiliate the young doctor who, for all his top 3% and fancy education, seemed inclined to be amazingly gullible. Twenty-four hours on Santo and Jayne had already managed to get drunk, get laid and set up a big ol’ surprise for the doc.
“The doc’s gonna meet up with us in the cantina after the drop, Cap’n.” Jayne kept his face impassive, his eyes focused on the street in front of them. He knew the minute Mal got a clear look at him, the hún dàn’d know he was up to something. Early on, the merc learned his captain was all too good at reading his intentions, and there was no ruttin’ way he wanted anything spoilin’ his fun.
Checking in both directions to make sure the street was clear, the big merc and his brown-coated captain ducked into the alley and flattened themselves against the wall next to a rubbish bin. Mal pointed at the hatchway barely visible in the dim terminus of the alley. “Kelly said to drop the bag down the coal chute and he’ll pick it up tonight.”
Jayne raised an eyebrow skeptically. “Seems like an awful long time for a big ol’ sack a cash to be sittin’ around with no one keepin’ an eye on it, don’tcha think?”
Mal scouted the entrance to the alley. “Not our problem, Jayne. Just do the thing.” He gestured impatiently at the chute.
The merc sighed in exasperation but did as his boss had directed, lifting the heavy wooden door and dropping the money bag into the darkness below.
“Damn fool idea…” he muttered to himself, walking back to Mal.
The pair edged up to the mouth of the alley and scouted the street again. “All clear,” Mal pronounced and nodded southward, toward the center of the ragged border town. “Let’s beat it.”
Up two blocks and over one stood the garish façade of Candy’s Cantina, a favorite local waterin’ hole, pool hall and whorehouse. Ten minutes later, Mal and Jayne pushed in through the twin swinging doors and made their way over to a big, round table off to the left. Although it was nearly dinnertime for respectable folk, the bar was packed, and up on stage, three bored girls wearing no unders were high-kick dancing to a warbling, out-of-tune piano recording.
Mal raised an eyebrow and shook his head as he slid into the back corner chair. “Guess that’s one way to take in the local scenery…”
“I could stand to see a little more,” Jayne replied, craning his neck for a better view.
A bar girl appeared and took their order. “’Sides the doc,” Mal asked, “who else is comin’ out tonight?” He scanned the room for familiar faces.
“Wash an’ Zo, an’ probably li’l Kaylee, seein’ as she ain’t likely to miss another chance to try to get in the doc’s pants. I think the Shepherd said he’d keep an eye on the jing shen fen xi chou san ba.”
Mal shot him a look.
Jayne ignored his boss and winked at their waitress as she placed a pair of mugs and a pitcher of icy beer between them. “Thank ya, darlin’.”
“The doc’s here,” Mal observed. “Curious how a man just out for a night on the town can manage to look like he’s goin’ to a funeral.”
Simon Tam stood just inside the door, blinking owlishly through the haze. As usual, he was carefully groomed, his dark hair neatly combed, his shirt and waistcoat clean and pressed. The young doctor spotted his shipmates and he waved and grimaced, then began to wind his way across the busy room.
Ducking under a loaded bar tray hoisted by a tall and buxom blond, Simon joined Jayne and Mal. “Wash and Zoë were right behind me," he offered, “and Kaylee will be on when she gets cleaned up.”
“Fair ‘nuff.” Mal filled the mugs and signaled to the waitress to bring another. “Everything quiet back at the ship… with your sister, I mean?” Mal’s face conveyed uncertainty.
“Uh, yes.” Simon glanced up at the dancers and blushed a deep rose. “When I left, she and Shepherd Book were deep in a game of Scrabble and she was arguing the usage of ancient Sanskrit…”
The bar doors swung open and Serenity’s first mate and pilot pushed in through the crowd. Zoë led the way. People parted before the tall, armed woman like the Red Sea, then turned to stare curiously at the man accompanying her. Wash’s ginger hair stuck out randomly and he wore a garish green and orange shirt adorned with hula girls and palm trees over orange coveralls.
As the couple took their seats at the table, the waitress returned with four more mugs and a second pitcher. Her delivery made, she propped the hand gripping the tray on a curvy hip and casually leaned into Simon, her bosom brushing his cheek.
“Excuse me!” the doctor blurted.
The girl slid her arm around his shoulders and smooched him on the forehead. “No problem, handsome.”
Simon cringed as his shipmates glanced at one another and snickered.
Mal filled the empty mugs and raised his in a toast. “To a job well done.”
“Oh, yeah,” Jayne smirked, as a trio of whores made their way toward the table.
A petite redhead lodged herself on the big man’s knee and her friends smiled warmly and settled themselves on either side of the doc. “This here is Sonja,” Jayne patted her rump fondly, “And them’s Lucy and Belle.” The girls smiled and began to fawn over Simon, to his great discomfort.
“Nice to meet you, Belle… um… ah… Lucy.” The doc squirmed, too polite to tell them to leave but visibly disquieted by their overtures.
Mal and Zoë struggled to keep their expressions neutral. Wash was blatantly amused. Jayne was making flirty small talk with his (small-c) companion. Watching the whores hitting on the doctor was far more amusing that the dancing girls.
By the next round, Lucy had made her way into Simon’s lap and was rumpling his hair while Belle was nibbling his ear from the other side. He looked desperately ill at ease, utterly unsure of what to do. “Uh… miss? Do you mind? I mean, I’m not… you wouldn’t…” He shot a pleading look at Mal. “Captain?” he entreated.
Mal was far too amused. “You’re on your own, there, doctor.”
Jayne buried his face against Sonja’s bosom and his wide shoulders shook with stifled laughter.
“This really is funny,” the slightly tipsy pilot whispered to his bemused wife and Zoë just shook her head.
Belle’s hand disappeared below the table and Simon gasped and jumped.
“Now... now... stop that. Don’t do that here. It’s not..."
“Need a hand, Doc?” Jayne jibed and the table erupted into laughter.
Things went downhill from there.
Thirty minutes later, with the coaxing of his “friends”, the good doctor Tam had consumed three large mugs of beer and loosened up considerably. Belle and Lucy had been replaced by Gillian and Constance and Marie. Simon’s waistcoat lay draped across another table, and his shirt was unbuttoned well down his chest. His once–neat hair was tousled, his cuffs unbuttoned and rolled back and his cheeks flushed with lipstick kisses. He was downright glassy-eyed.
And it was at just that moment that Miss Kaywinnett Lee Frye, ship’s mechanic and the doc’s would-be sweetie, arrived on the scene. Her rosy face was freshly scrubbed, her hair washed and brushed until it gleamed and instead of her usual overalls, she had donned a cute, brightly colored little dress. In short, she had planned to impress the doc.
The swarm of folks around the table where her shipmates sat had Kaylee puzzled. Using her elbows, she worked her way through the packed crowd and over to the party. The only empty chair was next to Mal and directly across from a very drunk Simon and the whores.
Kaylee edged into the seat and took in the scene before her. She looked at the captain, and Mal just shrugged.
“Simon?” Her expression hovered between horror and outrage as she took in the doctor’s total disarray.
“Oh, uh… Kaylee. Hi.” The doc gave her a drunken, goofy grin and wiggled his fingers at her. Constance smiled and nibbled at the corner of his jaw while Marie lounged across his lap, her fingers entwined in his hair. “This is Constance. She’s m’ frin… An’ so’s M-Marie an… and - wha’s y’r name, honey? – an’ Gillian. They’re nice…”
An angry flush climbed Kaylee’s neck and face as the outrage won out and the furious girl launched herself back into a standing position with her little fists jammed firmly on her hips.
“Well, since your friends’re so nice, Simon Tam, and since you’re so obviously having a hell of a time on your own, I don’t suppose there’s any need for me to stick around, now is there?”
“Well, you c’n join the party, too...” Simon slurred.
“Not on your life! Ni dai xu mian wei yi ren!”
With that furious pronouncement, she grabbed Mal’s mostly-full beer and flung it into the doc’s astonished face, then stormed out of the bar.
Jayne dissolved into hysterical laughter, his big hand spread across his face. “Oh damn,” he hooted, “That was even better that I figured it’d be!”
Mal stared at his smirking gunhand. “You set this up?”
Jayne nodded, wiping the tears from his cheeks with his fist and raising his hand. “Guilty as charged.”
Zoë shook her head and scowled playfully at the merc. “Jayne, you’re just plumb evil!”
“Definitely evil,” Wash concurred.
“I ain’t evil, “Jayne replied with a wicked twinkle in his blue eyes. “I’m just misunderstood.”
jing shen fen xi chou san ba = psycho bitch
Ni dai xu mian wei yi ren = You stupid drunken excuse for a man!
Friday, March 16, 2007 5:59 AM
Friday, March 16, 2007 6:06 AM
Friday, March 16, 2007 6:29 AM
Friday, March 16, 2007 8:50 AM
Friday, March 16, 2007 7:11 PM
Saturday, March 17, 2007 5:42 AM
Monday, August 22, 2011 3:40 AM
You must log in to post comments.
OTHER FANFICS BY AUTHOR
All FIREFLY graphics and photos on this page are copyright 2002-2012 Mutant Enemy, Inc., Universal Pictures, and 20th Century Fox.
All other graphics and texts are copyright of the contributors to this website.
This website IS NOT affiliated with the Official Firefly Site, Mutant Enemy, Inc., or 20th Century Fox.