- - -

I. Butterflies and Big Words: River Tam

Kaylee Frye has an awful lot on her mind right now.

It's mainly 'cause she's not rightly sure what to be thinkin' of, all huddled in her engine room and seekin' refuge from the outside world. Usually, meanin' just a week before, before Miranda and death and the Reavers, Kaylee wouldn't have even had to question it. Her entire focus would've been on the shiny doctor with his shy smiles and bright blue eyes. And really, even now, Kaylee's brain is still whirrin' with thoughts of the handsome Simon Tam. But it ain't the good sorta thoughts, or even the warm, naughty ones they usually are.

'Cause all Kaylee can think about right now is those last few moments 'fore that gun shot tore right through Simon's gut.

The way he'd talked to her, all gentle and emotional. Kaylee ain't never heard no one sound so sincere in her life--no matter how addlepated the things Simon usually says come out, this one thing, the most important thing, had been about to come out just right.

And that scared Kaylee so much she'd gone and finished his sentence with something really and truly stupid. Sex. Sex ain't nothing but a real nice feelin' and no attachments after the fact. With Simon, even despite herself, Kaylee wants attachments. She wants 'em real bad.

That Simon likes her is expected. That he wants her is mighty gratifyin'. That Kaylee feels all those things but more is too out of this 'verse for words. It ain't supposed to be more than just sex and Kaywinnet Lee Frye may be a big 'ole scaredy cat, but she don't care--expectin' anything more than a roll in the engine room with Simon is just much too much.

Or maybe it ain't too much, maybe it's just what she's always wanted, and for the first time ever, Kaylee's more than a mite confused 'bout what she wants, and why it makes her belly twist and rumble.

"Kaylee?"

River's voice is quiet and clear, and it's that last part that actually gets Kaylee to turnin' around. As long as Kaylee's known River, ain't never been a time when the younger girl was what a person'd call clear. But here she is, speakin' all low and serious, and so Kaylee puts down her wrench and turns around.

"What's goin' on, River?" she asks, tying the sleeves of her coveralls snug 'round her waist. Her neck twinges a lil' from that dart the Reavers had sent at her (not but a week ago, Wash an' Book an' damn near Serenity had died not but a week ago) and she slaps a hand to the scar, shrugs the pain away. There ain't no room for her lil' aches an' scrapes--not now with Serenity needin' repairs, its crew in veritable tatters, and Kaylee a sorry mess inside.

"Simon's awake. He's been asking for you." River's eyes are wide and innocent when Kaylee's hand slips from her neck and hovers in mid-air.

"Simon's askin' for me?" Kaylee asks. There's a nervousness she don't know quite what to do with bubblin' in the pit of her belly. She shushes the damned butterflies and asks, "What for?"

River cocks her head. Now that some of the craziness is gone from her face, Kaylee's can see she's probably a real sweet-lookin' girl. 'Cept right now, she looks downright devious. "He wants to converse with you, of course. I think he'd even like to begin something of a mating ritual. It's what civilized people do, the ritualization of courtship. Not much practical experience of late, true, but I'm a quick learner. Smart." She taps her temple seriously.

Kaylee arches a brow and smiles hesitantly. "That you are. What was that with havin' no experience with the... what now?" she asks, prodding further. Askin' River questions ain't never a good idea, but it'll do for a distraction, especially since she's still reeling from the thought of Simon and mating in the same sentence.

River smiles wide. "Civilized conversations. And sexual intercourse. They don't always move in linear fashions, so it's difficult to make sense of the workings--there's a first, and a second, and a third somewhere in the muddle..." Off Kaylee's blanche, she presses, "You don't understand, do you? The quantification of unchecked sexual desire in conjunction with the restrictions of social convention is impossible. Something has to give--" The butterflies intensify in Kaylee's belly. Peering closer, River crows triumphantly, "Or maybe you do understand!"

Kaylee blushes to the roots of her hair and decides that possibly, there's a reason River had that rotten look on her face. His sister sure is one for takin' the shit outta people.

"Don't worry," River says cheerfully. "Simon doesn't always like to do things in order, either!" She shrugs. "He's very contrary to expectations. My father must be thinking that in a relentless mantra, and I am for once inclined to agree with his assessment."

Kaylee giggles and brings a hand to her head. "Me, too," she agrees. Sure, talkin' to River ain't quite producin' what Kaylee would call calm, but her blunt nature is sorta refreshin' after everyone's pussy-footin' around here. Maybe she'll stay awhile, put off the conversin' with Simon a bit more.

"He puzzles you," River says, sitting down on the engine room floor. Kaylee hesitates before flopping down next to the girl. "Simon, I mean, not my father. And you puzzle him. Like a jigsaw puzzle without any signifiers or prominent markings for either of you to make an entire picture. You have to follow the clues but when the clues are all mixed up, you just end up going in opposite directions."

Kaylee grins despite herself. "Somethin' like that."

"You could try buying a new puzzle. They're very cheap and we have an abundance of credits." Kaylee senses River is giving her a challenge, from the subtle lift of her chin.

"I don't really want a new puzzle," Kaylee says truthfully. "I been tryin' too hard and for too long to put this one together. I ain't gonna walk away now that the picture's almost complete."

River seems pleased. "Good. That's good. Then why..." she slants her eyes. "Why are the butterflies roaming so free?" She mimes catching things in the air with a net, and Kaylee giggles again in spite of herself.

"Guess I'm a little nervous," she admits. "Your brother an' I...we had ourselves a moment during that Reaver attack and...I reckon I'm a little afraid of what that all means. I know I've been harassing him in all manners of ways for just a little word 'bout how he feels towards me. But now that I got a little word..."

"It's a big word?" River leans back and nods wisely. "It's big words , sentences expanding in your brain and your heart so that you can't think or breathe anything but their syllables clawing away at your self until you're nothing but word-shapes and meanings too abstract to really get?"

Kaylee blinks slowly. "Well, sure," she says. "There's that."

River nods again, even more wisely. "The words get smaller but the meaning stays the same. Your body parts will stretch eventually, learn to encompass and hold all that could be. Should be." She tosses her hair and levels an admonishing glare at Kaylee. "Will be."

Kaylee nods and gets up. "Yes ma'am," she says. Sometimes, River still scares her.

Sometimes, River's brother scares her more.

"Kaylee?" River's voice stops Kaylee once more.

"Yes?" Kaylee says patiently. River looks shyly up from beneath her fall of hair, her bottom lip worried between her teeth. It's an expression of vulnerability Kayle ain't too used to seein' on her face. "Whatcha got to thinkin', sweetie?"

River shrugs. "When I'm all alone in my head, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have big words to fill the empty space up, getting bigger and bigger like so many cocoons, until one day I have butterflies, too. It's the nature of puberty, I'm told, but I never got to be soft around all that sharp, and the monsters in the dark chase all the good dreams away."

Kaylee smiles. "You'll get yer big words, River. You got plenty right now--maybe one day you'll meet a handsome doc of your own and then you can chase all the butterflies you want."

River shudders. "No doctors please. My brother and his ilk have cold hands. I want heat." Her eyes go dreamy. "Gunfire and big arms you can hold onto when the 'verse is trying to tear you apart. Mercy in the mercenary."

Kaylee wonders just exactly what River meant when she was talkin' about those good dreams and makes a mental note to keep an eye out on Jayne.

"You need to be healed, big sister," River interrupts her musings. "Big hole here," she points to her neck, "and here," then to her heart. "Healing wound. Clean it daily, keep it pure, or else it'll get red and raw and there's the possibility of infection."

Kaylee nods. "I'm goin'," she says hastily. "Don't want no infection, now do I?" She pauses next to River on her way out. "An' River? I hope you get your big words, I really do. In the meantime, though, I'm mighty grateful fer you bein' the one to tell me my own big words. I ain't got no dictionary out here in space."

River smiles benignly. "Well, someone's got to make sure the Tam name perseveres. And my brother is rather helpless, isn't he?"

Kaylee chuckles, and she can't help but agree--hell, they're all a little helpless. Hopeless, though, no sir. Not no more, not for long.

She's whistlin' by the time she walks off to the infirmary.

- - -

Next: |Chapter Two: Jayne Cobb|