Mal knew he was humped at River's first question.

"Captain, what was your first kiss like"?

Yep, screwed, blued and tattoo'd. That was him alright.

"Well, uhhh, it was....why in the name of Creation are you askin' me that???"

"Just curious. Poor River. Sweet 18 and never been kissed..."

Couldn't she take her girl problems to Inara? Inara was way more versed in kissing men than he was.

"No kissin' on my boat. That's an order! Goes double for Jayne."

"Simon and Kaylee kiss all the time!"

Crap. She had him there.

"Well, that's...different."

"You don't kiss either, Captain. Why is that?"

Dear Buddha. Please send a bolt of lightning down from the heavens and strike me dead right about...Now! Damn!

"Well, yer ol' Cap'n just ain't ready to settle down yet."

She threw him a smile that told him she knew better. Mal decided to actually keep his pie hole shut, lest he dig his hole any deeper.

"Not right. I've nobody to kiss and neither do you."

"It's a cross I'll hafta bear, little one. Now have ya plotted our new..."

River suddenly beamed. Which could only mean she'd gotten some sorta notion into her head. River getting notions always made Mal very nervous.

"I know what we should do! We should practice on each other!"

"Practice what now?"

"Kissing! That way, we'll get it right."

Mal had just ridden past nervous and was approaching downright terrified.

"Darlin', I assure you that although it has been a good long while, I am plenty well-versed in kissing..."

"Practice makes perfect!" Said with the sort of smug finality that made Mal fear for his very life if he turned down the teen-aged assassin girl.

With lightning speed, she was leaning in toward him. Mal realized he was actually gripping the seat of the chair so as not to put his hands on her and pull her into his lap.

"We can't do this...I'm too old for ya..."

She pouted, which was not helping.

"One little kiss, that's all."

"River, I..."

Her lips right next to his ear...

"It's OK, Captain. Just close your eyes and pretend I'm her. Just like with Nandi."