A/N: In an effort to not get myself in more trouble, there will be no real author's note.

Thanks to Leiasky for the beta - and the words of wisdom, encouragement and wit!

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A NEW DAY, ch. 32: Weight of the World

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“Mother, I think you’d better come. As soon as you can.”

Regan’s heart broke for her son as she watched him struggle to contain his obvious emotion. Her eyes tearing instantly, she asked, “How is River?”

Not able to meet her gaze, Simon tried to think of the best way to answer that question. It had been two days since Jayne had passed and River had been … River, which of course, had him more concerned than just about any other reaction. Sighing heavily, Simon told her, “I don’t know how to answer that. One minute she’s fine and the next she’s sobbing uncontrollably.” Raising his tired eyes to the screen, he said sadly, “There’s nothing I can do for her.”

“That’s not true, Simon,” Regan told him, her voice adopting an edge. “You did everything you could for Jayne and you’ll do everything you can for River, because you love her. She knows that.”

“Yes, well, my love didn’t make a hell of a lot of difference did it,” Simon muttered bitterly, his eyes burning with fatigue and anger.

Swallowing back another retort, Regan studied him for a moment and then said, “I’ll leave in just a few hours. If we push the transport I should be there in about three weeks.”

Looking back to the screen, Simon was about to remind her of their newest safety precautions, when Regan told him, “Don’t worry, son. I will not jeopardize your family’s safety. I’ll be careful.”

Simon smiled to her once before ending the transmission. Sitting back heavily in the chair for a moment, he knew hiding in the den would not solve anything, and so with a weary sigh, he rose, stretching still tired muscles and strode from the room. As soon as he opened the door, he was confronted with chaos. Rylee was screaming and crying again, no doubt still a result of the residual emotion she was feeling from River. His daughter had been suffering the same mood swings as her aunt since Jayne had died and while Simon wanted to help her, he knew there was nothing he could do – as it seemed there was nothing he could do for anyone.

The sound of a wailing baby and then another, assaulted him next. Knowing that one of them, if not both, had to be his, he rounded the corner about to head upstairs, when Kaylee cut him off. Already feeling a hundred percent better, Simon had brought her and Daniel home after releasing everyone else from the makeshift clinic as well. Daniel’s ears were still dangerously infected, but he was no longer contagious and it was better for him to be in his own bed.

As Kaylee gave him a sad smile, she told him lightly, “I’ve got it. Why don’t you get some rest, honey?” She was worried about him, that Simon knew. He had not been sleeping for almost the entire two weeks of the outbreak and over the past few days, it had just gotten worse. He could not lie down and close his eyes without Jayne’s death mask floating into view or his sister’s detached face haunting his dreams.

Shaking his head sadly, he told her, “No, I’ll go check on Ry.”

Wanting to fight him on it and order him to bed, Kaylee could only nod once as Emma’s cry again filled the air around them. Hurrying up the stairs, Simon watched her go for a moment and then, following the sounds of his daughter’s whimpering, found her on the back porch, staring out into the yard, where he could see his sister’s form. She was dancing again, to some music only she could hear, her eyes closed, face turned towards the setting sun.

With a heavy sigh, Simon sat beside his daughter and pulled her into his lap. Unlike a few other times in the past couple of days, Rylee actually let him hold her, fitting snuggly against his chest as she continued to cry, big tears for all her aunt was feeling and refused to express.

Holding her tightly and rocking her, Simon felt more of his own tears threatening to fall. He had tried, very hard, in the past days not to let his emotions get the best of him, but it was becoming increasingly difficult. As River continued to slip farther and farther away and her emotional state continued to affect Rylee and everyone else around them, Simon felt his helplessness and anger threatening to choke him. He wanted to rage, at something, at someone, but there was no one and so instead, he had contained it, bottled it up, deep down. He knew it would eventually blow, contents under pressure always did, but what other choice did he have?

“She’s not mad at you,” Rylee said quietly, pulling back from her father to look into his blue eyes.

Meeting her gaze, Simon whispered, “What, sweetheart?”

Looking over her shoulder to her aunt, Rylee said again, “She’s not mad. She knows you did all you could.” Returning her gaze back to her father, she said, “She’s mad at herself. If he hadn’t been injured, he would have been stronger, could have fought harder. She was the one who got him shot.”

Biting back more anger and sadness, Simon again pulled Rylee to him and kissed her hair. “I’m sorry you have to go through this, Ry.”

Shrugging against him, she murmured, “It’s okay.” Sitting in silence for another moment, she finally added, “But you need to let go.”

Tensing immediately at her words, Simon did not move, but simply breathed, “What?”

Rylee could sense her father’s stress level as it had climbed dramatically in the last few seconds. She knew he didn’t want to let go, that he wanted to keep everything tucked away, so no one could see how much he was really hurting, but that would kill him, and quickly, Rylee knew that. He would get careless, reckless, foolish and then her uncle’s death would not be the only tragedy this family would have to suffer in the coming months and years. Not looking to him, she repeated, “You have to let go, dad. You can’t keep your anger. It’s not good.”

Simon’s breath came in short gasps as he tried vainly to find a way to block his four-year-old from reading such damaging emotion from him. She didn’t deserve this, no one did. She didn’t deserve to have to suffer through not only her own pain, but everyone around her as well. She was so little, so innocent and Simon’s heart broke to think of how upsetting and potentially devastating all of this could be for her, mentally and emotionally.

“Don’t worry about me,” she told him quietly, pulling back and resting a hand to his cheek. “I’m worried about you.”

No, Simon could not take this. Lifting her from his lap, he set her on her feet, and told her sharply, “Go inside, okay? Get washed up for dinner.”

Rylee stared at him with big eyes for a moment and then turning ran into the house. Simon rested his elbows on his knees, allowing his head to fall into his hands with a heavy sigh. He brought his eyes back up after a few minutes, to again study his sister, who had dropped to the ground and was now sitting, knees into her chest, rocking back and forth.

He wanted to go to her, to tell her he was sorry, that everything would be all right, but he couldn’t. He didn’t have the words. He didn’t know what to say, because he knew they would all be empty promises. He could not give that to River right now, he could not go to her with nothing, because he had already let her everything be taken away.

“Hey there, doc. You wanna tell me why you sent Rylee inside howlin’?”

Simon turned a scathing look to the captain as he walked onto the porch. With his arms across his chest, he looked down to Simon with a critical eye. Turning back to look at nothing, the younger man bit out, “I don’t see how that concerns you, Mal.”

With a sigh, Mal told him, “Oh, I’m thinkin’ it does, ‘cause, in case you haven’t noticed, things have been a mite tense ‘round here. And when one of us is hurtin’, we all are.”

Rising with anger burning his blood, Simon seethed, “You think our pain can even compare to River’s? Do you? Because I find that kind of hard to believe.”

Pointing a finger out towards where River still sat, Mal shot back, “I ain’t sayin’ River ain’t in a lot o’ pain. All I’m sayin’ is we could all go a mite easier on each other right now, so we don’t make it worse.”

Snorting, Simon backed up from him, his chest heaving with emotion. With greater rage burning in his eyes, he said, “But that’s what I do, Mal. Or have you missed it? I make it worse. It seems to be my one great talent.”

“So, you’re gonna feel sorry fer yerself now?” Mal bit out, advancing on him, even as Simon’s eyes blazed dangerously. “That is gonna make it worse. Your sister don’t need you throwin’ a pity party, she needs her brother.”

“A hell of a lot of good I’ve done her up until now,” Simon shot back, his voice rising, his anger uncontainable. “There’s nothing I can do, Mal. I can’t bring Jayne back to her. And that’s what she needs.”

“No.” Mal’s voice was barely above a whisper, but as he stepped closer to Simon, getting into his face, the younger man saw the fierceness in his eyes. “No, what the girl needs is love, from all o’ us, but you most of all.”

Simon actually laughed at that assessment. Chuckling deep, he pulled away and stared out at nothing. Love, as if that had ever helped him or his sister before. Anything bad that had ever happened to them both had been done in the name of love and Simon failed to see right now, even though his own heart beat wildly at just the thought of his wife, how love could see them through this. “Love, right,” Simon muttered.

His hands clenched into fists at his sides as Mal approached and whispered harshly, “Unless o’ course, you really ain’t sorry Jayne’s dead.”

Simon turned so fast, his fist connected in barely a second with Mal’s jaw. Reeling, the captain stumbled back rubbing at his face, while Simon advanced on him again and landed another blow, this time to the other side of his face. “Don’t care?” His voice was high-pitched and strangled as he fought to contain his emotions. “Don’t care? How can you say that to me you worthless piece of-“

“Simon!”

Turning at the sound of Kaylee’s voice, Simon saw her, standing in the doorway, fear and pain in her eyes, her tears already falling down her face. Going to Mal, he waved her off, and told her, “It’s okay, lil’ Kaylee. Man needed to let off some steam.” Looking back to Simon, Mal spit a bit of blood from his mouth and then asked, “Feel better?”

He wanted to punch him again. He would have too, if the pained look on Kaylee’s face had not reached him. Turning with disgust, he practically jumped down the steps of the porch, walking off at a brisk pace. Looking between the captain, River and her husband, Kaylee followed Simon quickly.

“Simon, stop!”

“Just go home, Kaylee,” he called over his shoulder, never breaking stride. “I’ll be back later, I just need some time.”

“No,” she told him forcefully. Having to run to catch up with his longer strides, Kaylee finally reached him. Grabbing his arm, she whirled him around quickly and forced him to meet her gaze. “No,” she repeated, her eyes still full of pain, but now also full of determination. “I ain’t goin’ back without you.”

Simon’s chest still seethed from his pent-up anger and frustration. He feared for Kaylee’s safety that was the truth, if she stayed with him right now. He didn’t know what he’d do. “Kaylee, please go,” he begged, his voice dropping to a whisper. “I don’t want to-“

“What, hit me?” she asked, her voice taking on that brazen tone he had heard so many times in the past. “Go ahead,” she told him, taking a step back. “I dare ya.”

Simon knew she was egging him on, trying to get him to recognize his own foolishness, but what she didn’t understand was how truly upset he was. This wasn’t some random build-up of anger, it was pure rage, rage at the unfairness of the ‘verse, at his sister’s pain, at his complete incompetence. She wouldn’t be able to fix that, and Simon wished he knew how to tell her.

Deciding on a different tactic, Simon told her quietly, “Kaylee, please. There’s nothing you can do.”

“I don’t accept that, Simon,” she told him, stepping back towards him and placing her hands on his shoulders. “I don’t. Our family’s broke an’ I don’t accept that there ain’t a way to fix it.”

“Some things can’t be fixed,” he reminded her sullenly, backing out of her grasp and taking a few steps away, his back to her.

“Yeah, but this can,” Kaylee told him, her voice more sure than he’d heard it in a while. She watched him from behind as his shoulder’s rolled forward, his body sagging under the weight of his emotions, his sadness. Her heart broke for him again, knowing that like so many other things he had no control over, he was taking this into himself as well, trying to fix it. “Simon, we ain’t been through hell an’ back to fall apart now,” she reminded him. “So, talk to me.”

Simon took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and finally whispered, “She won’t recover from this.”

Kaylee took one step forward, and asked, “River?” Simon nodded, but did not speak, and as the seconds ticked by, Kaylee finally murmured, “I did once.”

With tears in his eyes, Simon turned to her, noting the look of pure sadness that had graced her features. “The love of my life was dead, an’ I thought my life was over,” she reminded him, taking another step in his direction. “But I did make it through, an’ so will River.” Finally reaching him, Kaylee placed a light hand to his cheek and whispered, “We can help her.”

Shaking his head sadly, Simon did not step away from her as he whispered, “I can’t.”

Furrowing her brow, Kaylee asked quietly, “Why not?”

“Because this is my fault,” Simon finally admitted, his voice tired and quiet.

Kaylee’s eyes immediately took pity on him and Simon could not stand to see it. Backing away from her, Kaylee grabbed for his hand and kept a hold on it, even as he continued to face away from her. “That ain’t true, Simon. You did all you could.”

“It wasn’t enough,” he reminded her, willing the hot tears he felt building to stay in.

“What would have been?” Kaylee’s voice was insistent, her hold on his hand firm. “You dyin’ too? Someone else dyin’ in Jayne’s place?” Circling around him, Kaylee took his face in her hands and forced his eyes to hers. “Simon, there ain’t nothin’ fair or right ‘bout this. And lookin’ for answers is gonna make you crazy.”

“Kaylee, please.” Simon was losing his battle with his will, he was going to lose it, he knew. He would dissolve into a heap of emotion if she didn’t back away from him now. If she didn’t leave and let him stew in his own self-pity. “Please, go.”

Stepping closer to him so their bodies were only inches apart, Kaylee kept her hands on his face, and said quietly, “No. I ain’t goin’ anywhere. You can yell an’ rage at me all you want, Simon Tam.” Swallowing hard, she willed her voice to stay steady as she told him, “Let me help you. Let me share your pain, Simon.” Her voice had dropped to a whisper and Simon felt the first tear break lose and roll down his cheek.

“You can’t, bao bei,” he told her quietly, his voice a whisper. “You can’t and I don’t want that for you.”

“Simon, if’n you’re hurtin’ than so am I, don’t matter if you admit it or not,” Kaylee reminded him. And then, she wrapped her arms tightly around him, guiding his head to her shoulder and held him.

Simon tried not to hold her back, knowing as soon as he did, he would be unable to contain his sobs. But as she ran her light fingers through his hair and whispered soothing words of comfort to him, Simon felt his resolve break away. As the first sob rose to his lips, he tightened his arms around her waist and squeezed her to him, burying his face against her shoulder. As his entire body shook, Kaylee just held tight, crying her own tears of grief and longing for her family.

***

Mal wandered back to the room he’d been sharing with Inara and stopped in the doorway for a moment, enjoying the sight before him. Sitting on the bed, their new baby suckling at her breast, was his beautiful wife, Mimi’s sleeping form curled up beside her.

With a sigh, he entered the room, and Inara looked up at his entrance, smiling at him and then frowning when she saw the reddish bruise already forming on his cheek and along the other. “What happened?” she asked quietly, reaching out a hand to him as he sat beside her.

Taking it and kissing it, Mal shrugged and said simply, “Simon jus’ needed to hit somethin’.” His eyes were locked on his little daughter’s face, and he reached out one finger to run along the tuft of her hair.

Frowning at him, Inara questioned, “And your face just happened to be in the way?”

Chuckling, Mal leaned in and kissed her. Pulling back, he said, “Yeah, well I ain’t always got the fastest reflexes.”

She smiled at him and the held her hand to his face, staring into his blue eyes for a moment. The longer she held the look, the more emotional she became and when she finally dropped her eyes to her baby, she felt a few tears there. “How is River?”

With a heavy sigh, Mal told her quietly, “Not good. But I don’t know what else we coulda expected. The girl ain’t gonna just bounce back from this.” His gaze had again drifted to the newborn, whose eyes were shutting as her belly grew full and sleep again became a necessity.

As Inara reshifted the baby’s position and covered herself, she whispered, “I can’t even imagine.”

“Yeah, well you don’t have to, dong ma,” Mal asked, placing a hand to her cheek and getting her to turn her tear-filled eyes to him. “I ain’t goin’ no where.”

Smiling sadly at him, Inara told him, “I’m sure that’s what Jayne thought too, sweetie. But sometimes, things don’t work out the way we plan.”

Mal wanted to disagree with her, reassure her again that he would always be with her, but she was right. Some things, probably too many to count, he didn’t have control over and no matter how much he fussed or pouted or threatened that wasn’t ever going to change.

Leaning in to kiss her again, he looked over to Mimi and said, “I’ll put her to bed.”

Nodding once, Inara snuggled down into the covers with her newest daughter and gazed lovingly into her peaceful face. As Mal scooped Mimi up, he brought her close enough for Inara to kiss and then took her from the room. Inara’s eyes followed them out and she sighed, feeling immense sadness for River, but such unbelievable happiness for her family.

***

It was very late and River was still outside. She liked being out in the night, surrounded by the familiar sounds, the familiar stars. It was almost like being back on Serenity – almost.

Out here, she didn’t feel quite so alone. Inside, it was worse. Her brother had Kaylee, Mal had Inara and now, she had no one. She could feel their pain and sadness for her and it weighed against her body and her heart like a heavy hand, suffocating her. In the close confines of the house, she could barely breathe. Outside she could.

She felt her tears coming again. She had tried to stop them, over the past few days. They would come in waves, tidal currents of water spilling down her face, soaking her clothing, her hair, the ground around her and then recede, just like the tide, leaving nothing behind. But River had quickly learned she could not stop her emotions. She could not stop her heart from beating or breaking; could not stop her mind from remembering or forgetting; could not stop her body from missing or longing; could not stop herself from loving or hating.

Jayne had been the only person she had ever known to love her so completely. Yes, Simon did, but it was different – he was family, he had to. Jayne didn’t. Jayne didn’t have to do anything, and had lived his entire life being sure he didn’t do anything he didn’t want too. So when he had chosen to love her, River’s entire view of the ‘verse had shifted dramatically.

Their time together, in her overly big brain, was measured in the smallest increments: a touch, a look, a kiss, a thought; each moment built upon the next, painting for River the brightest mosaic of memory and emotion she had ever seen. In her heart, these moments illuminated everything, shining so brightly that they had easily erased her scars of the past, easily healed what others had so soundly broken.

River sighed a bit, as another memory washed over her, Jayne holding her close after their first time together. For all that River had seen and done, sex had never entered into the equation and she had been nervous, ridiculously nervous. But Jayne had been more gentle, more caring, more tender with her than even she could have imagined and it was in those first moments of bliss that she realized what being loved truly meant. The physical act for them was simply the culmination of months, years really, of a building relationship and River had cried with the joy of it, just as she did now.

She cried hard, more tears falling, wetting her face, her hair, her clothes. Her body shook a bit in the night air, it was chilly out; it would be winter soon. It would be cold and snowy and she would be alone. Well, not all alone. River sat forward a bit, placing her hands to her stomach, knowing that Jayne had not left her to suffer through the rest of her life by herself.

River had guessed that she was pregnant just before he’d gotten sick. She hadn’t said anything of course, she hadn’t really been sure, but she was now. The minute Jayne’s soul had left this plane, she had felt the new one growing inside of her, that new life burning strong and bright, telling River she had to keep going. She should have been terrified; nothing had changed for her, at least not physically. There was still no possible way she could carry this child to term.

But River could not feel that anxiety. It tried to assault her, wash over her, through her, surround her, but at each turn something within River pushed it away, shielding this new life, her and Jayne’s baby from that trauma, keeping it safe. River hoped it wasn’t just wishful thinking. It had never been one of her strong suits, ignoring the truth, and she hoped that in her grief it wasn’t a talent she had acquired, because she could not lose this baby. She would not.

Cocking her head to the side, she felt Mal approach and knew he was coming for her. Rising slowly, she wiped her cheeks and turned to greet him. She smiled to him, a look that did not reach her eyes, but one that he returned as he got closer.

Having brought a blanket, he wrapped it around her shoulders and pulled her against his side. “It’s cold out here, lil’ one,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to her temple.

Looking to him, River placed a kiss to his cheek and whispered, “Thank you.”

“You ready to go in or you wanna stay out here a little longer?” She could feel his concern radiating off of him, and River felt a bit of relief that he had come to find her. Simon was experiencing so much of his own pain right now, that even though he tried to help, it just hurt more to have him close. But Mal was the closest thing to a father she had and his strength was something she needed now, desperately.

“I guess I can go in.” They started walking slowly towards the house, trudging up inside the kitchen. River sat at the table, letting the blanket fall off her shoulders.

“Are you hungry?” Mal asked, knowing the girl had not eaten in a few days. Shaking her head at him, Mal frowned and then asked, “All right, than how about some tea?”

Turning a familiar, knowing look to him, River said, “You’ve been married to Inara too long.”

Returning her smirk, Mal moved to make the drinks as he told her, “Yeah, well, you just keep that to yerself, all right?”

River watched the way he moved and sat back in her seat, her mind drifting again to thoughts of Jayne. As Mal set a steaming mug in front of her and sat across the table, she said quietly, “He really respected you.”

“Shenme?” Mal asked, not certain he’d heard her right.

Lifting her eyes from the tabletop, River said quietly, “Jayne, he really respected you. After Ariel, when you trapped him in the airlock,” River explained, noting how Mal’s cheeks blushed at the memory. “After that, he finally started to get it. He finally started to see why you cared so much, why you did the things that you did.” Reaching a hand across the table, she squeezed one of his and whispered again, “Thank you.”

“For what, threatenin’ his life?” Mal asked, raising his cup and taking a tentative sip. “Aw, hell, you don’t got thank me for that. It was kinda fun.”

Shaking her head, River felt a few more tears come as she said, “No, for making him understand how important our family was. That was when he started to see me, really see me.”

Mal again averted her gaze and River finally noticed the bruise that ran along his cheek. Reaching out a hand to touch it, she asked, “Where’d you get this?”

Shaking his head, he said, “Ain’t important. Folks deal with their grief in all sorts a ways.”

Sitting back in her chair, River sighed heavily and closed her eyes. “Simon.” Mal did not say anything, but he didn’t need too. River could remember, vaguely, hearing their argument from earlier in the day. She had been drowning at the time in her own pain and so she had shut it out, shut out the extra anger and hurt as she couldn’t take any more – still couldn’t. Opening her eyes to Mal again, she whispered, “I’m sorry.”

“Fer what?” Mal asked her easily. “I din’t see you takin’ a swing.”

Falling silent, River knew saying anything else on the matter would only be met with more of the same. Mal had taken his hits from Simon as a way to help her brother and she was again struck with how lucky they were to have met and befriended such a man – a man who would die to protect them.

Rising, River walked towards Mal and hugged him tightly. “You are like a father to me,” she whispered to him, feeling more tears come. “Thank you for caring about me, about my brother, all of us. Thank you for giving me a family.” Stifling a sob, River dropped her forehead to his shoulder as she felt her emotions quickly surge to the surface.

Mal held her back tightly, feeling her body shake as she cried and he pulled her into his lap, cradling her shaking form against him until she had cried all the tears she had and fallen into a fitful sleep. Rising slowly with her in his arms, Mal pressed a kiss to her temple as he carried her to her room.

***

TBC in chapter 33, a short epilogue and a long-ish coda, entitled "The Reason."