Disclaimer: It all belongs to Joss Rating: PG-13 Pairings: J/R; M/I; S/K; Wash’s memory/Zoë

Previous Chapter - Through The Keyhole Of Time ........................................

Voices and Visions

by Lattelady

Ch 2. Tentative Beginnings

Captain Malcolm Reynolds sighed as he headed toward the cargo bay. There wasn’t a muscle in his body that didn’t hurt. It was a toss-up weather he or Serenity had been damaged worse in the battle on Mr. Universe’s Moon, but like his boat he was on the mend.

Times like this, he was tempted to thank a God, he no longer believed in, that Jayne Cobb always ran true to form. When they’d high-tailed it out of the Maidenhead six weeks earlier, the big man had been bloodied, bruised and furious from takin a beatin from a wisp of a girl, but he’d remembered to grab the stolen money from the heist on Lilac.

Fanty and Mingo had been among the injured when River Tam’s tendency toward brain hick-ups had exploded into a supernova. He’d learned later that the Operative had finished off the job the girl had started. No one who had glimpsed her abilities, that day, had been allowed to live, except for those on his boat. There wasn’t a need to go back and give the twins their twenty-five percent cut. Even with all that cash, and the crew doin’ most of the work, it was gonna be touch and go getting Serenity in shape to pass an inspection that’d allow her to take to the Black, anytime soon. ……………………….

Once most of the damage was cleared away, and there wasn’t much muscle work to be done, Jayne found himself paired-up with River in work details. He coulda made a fuss and fought with Zoë to do at least some of the weldin’, but it didn’t take no genius to see that the woman needed hard physical labor to keep her busy durin’ the day and allow her to sleep at night.

There was a lot of rewiring necessary and Crazy-Girl was the only one small enough to fit in the ducts that ran parallel to the circuitry. They’d rigged a sling and he would lower her where she needed to go. Usually he could tie off his end, and wait until she needed to be moved up or down a ways, but there had been a time or two when he’d had to hold her dangling at the end of the line.

He found he liked working with River. It didn’t make no sense and he wasn’t a man who did much soul-searchin’. He settled his mind on the fact that she was quiet and got the job done. It took him a bit to realize that he was the only one who saw how bad the girl was hurtin’. The others were so relieved that she wasn’t throwin’ fits no longer they missed seein’ the other changes in her.

‘Course they weren’t workin with her eight to ten hours a day, so they didn’t see the way her eyes clouded over and filled with tears everytime Zoë passed her line of sight. They didn’t realize that she never laughed anymore, ‘cause nobody was doin’ much of that. She didn’t even grab food off his plate or snitch the last roll at dinner, though why in the gorramn universe he’d miss that he wasn’t sure.

Even Inara, who probably knew more about feelin’s than the rest of the crew combined, didn’t see the Girl’s pain. Jayne shook his head and thought on the matter for a moment, but couldn’t come up with nothing.

“Girlie,” he shouted, leaning into the duct as far as his bulk would allow.

“There were more conduits that needed attending to than I had anticipated. It will be a few more minutes.” She kept her eyes on her nimble fingers as she worked tiny cables this way and that. She found it soothing to mend a part of Serenity’s brain, something she could identify with. “You needn’t worry, the cracks won’t show,” she whispered to the ship and gave it a gentle pat.

“Do what ya gotta do. I got a question for you.” He called down. ‘Might as well make use of a genius if ya got one handy,’ Jayne thought.

“A question?” she didn’t try to hide her surprise. The big man didn’t usually come to her when he was seeking knowledge.

“Yeah, what’s goin’ on with Inara?” Looking at the girl below him, he suddenly had her full attention. She tried to hide it by reaching way up with the flat of her hand on the duct and turning her body into it. A small moan of pleasure escaped her lips as her arm, shoulder and back stretched in that odd way that only she seemed capable of doing.

Jayne’s eyes almost popped outta their sockets. He knew River wasn’t wearing one of her usual dresses. She was doin’ close work, in a small space, so she had on her shorts and a tiny, thin strapped top of some kind. He’d seen the Girl in that outfit a lot over the last two weeks, but all of the sudden he was really seein’ her. The Kid had curves, very nice ones. He knew if he wasn’t careful, that little moan he’d just heard was gonna be payin’ him visits at inopportune times.

“I will not read her thoughts,” she responded as she sat back into the sling.

“I ain’t askin’ for that, gorramnit! I was just wonderin’ you bein’ female and smart and all, maybe you knew. She don’t look real happy and she’s kinda you know, detached.”

River scrunched up her face as she listened carefully to his words looking for a hidden meaning, but all she found was a tinge of concern in the Mercenary’s voice. Having worked so hard to be able to wall out other’s thoughts, she was reluctant to share anything she knew, without express permission, no matter how she’d gained the knowledge. “Inara is a very private person. The losses,” her voice broke, but she forced herself to go on. “The losses have been hard on all of us. I believe she is dealing with them in the only way she can.” The girl ran her thumb nail over the rope blinking as fast as she could to keep tears from filling her eyes. She didn’t want to talk about Miranda or everything that it included, but it was a hard subject to avoid.

“It’s ain’t your fault, ya know.” The words were out of Jayne’s mouth before he could stop them. He didn’t know a damn think about comfortin’ females, especially young, slight odd ones.

“I do not wish to discuss it.” She swiped quickly at her face and hoped that he hadn’t seen her movement, or if he had, that he would believe she was wiping away some dirt instead of the hot tears that were threatening to fall. She was glad the voices where no longer screaming in her head, but the price had been more than she would have been willing to pay, if she had been consulted.

There wasn’t much that got past Jayne Cobb, when he paid attention, and he knew the exact second when River Tam had grabbed a hold ‘a his. It had been when the blast doors had parted to show the tiny girl standin’ atop a pile of dead Reavers. So he saw her tears and understood their cause, but there weren’t nothing he could do about them at the moment and even if there was, he wasn’t sure he’d do it. In frustration the Merc pulled outta the duct and leaned against the bulkhead. Damn, she confused him.

It was easier to worry on Inara than to waste time thinkin’ on Crazy-Girl. He figured River knew a whole lot more than she was lettin’ on, but that still didn’t tell him why the older woman wasn’t doin’ something about the pain the kid was goin’ through. He played Moonbrain’s words back once more in his head. It wasn’t like he had anything better to do while he waited.

It finally hit him. Inara’s hard earned Companion control had flown out the airlock. She was holdin’ tight to keep her own feelings from bouncin’ off the walls. It kept her from seein what anyone else was goin’ through. She was hurtin like the rest of ‘em since Wash and Book had slipped on, but it was more than that. He’d seen her face when Mal had keeled over, white as a sheet, after his fight with the Operative. And he’d watched her sit for hours; lookin’ a bit lost, refusin’ to leave the waitin area, while the Captain had been in surgery.

Jayne knew somethin’ else about the woman, somethin’ he didn’t think River had picked up on. ‘Nara had gotten herself some broken ribs somewhere along the line. He’d been in too many fist fights to miss the signs. He’d, also, seen the dark bruises her skimpy costume hadn’t hidden, when they’d gone to hold off the Reavers. Ain’t no way those black and blue marks had been caused when Serenity had crashed. They’d been at least a day old. He figured it must’a been when she and Mal had tangled with the Operative at the Companion Trainin’ House.

Simon had to be in on the her secret, ‘cause he’d seen the Doc chewin’ her out for tryin’ to move her own ladder when she’d painted her pretty writtin’ on Serenity’s hull. Thinkin’ back on it, Kaylee or River were always around to do any liftin’ the other woman might need doin’. ‘Damn,’ he gritted his teeth. He’d thought he had one up on the little crazy girl.

Then he smiled and his eyes twinkled. It was gonna get mighty entertainin’ around this old boat when Mal finally pulled his head outta his ass and figured out what was goin’ on. All those hot sexy looks and passionate fights between the Captain and the Companion, goin’ on two years now, just might explode into something real interestin’. Maybe that was what they needed to get them out of the gorramn funk they’d all been in.

The Merc felt the rope beside his elbow being tugged at. It was the signal that River used when she was ready to be brought back up. “Jayne, I have completed my task,” her voice echoed from far below. She sounded tired and in pain and the big man decided that some Jayne style teasin’ was what she needed.

“Ya have, have ya?” He wiggled his eyebrows at her and grinned. “And that means what?”

“Pull me back up, please.” She redid the clip that Inara had loaned her to keep her hair out of her face while she worked and looked up at Jayne expectantly.

“Ya should be glad I don’t hold no grudges against ya.” He reached for the rope and began pulling hand over hand.

“I think the score is more than even or you would be Reaver meat.” As she spoke, her upward movement stopped.

“What’s that you say?” He lowered her back to her previous position and laughed.

“Jayne!” She bit her lips to keep from smiling at his antics. They both knew she was capable of climbing out of the duct if she chose to. But they also knew that if the Captain caught her, there would be hell to pay.

“Your brother and Mal are always usin’ my weights, doin’ their ‘physical therapy’, I ain’t had a chance to work-out for a piece. You’re just a bitty thing, but you’ll do. Sound like fun?”

She crossed her arms and gave him the look she usually reserved for Simon, the one that said someone was a boob.

“Okay, so you don’t want to ride up and down, you can always go round and round.” He began to turn the rope in his hands until he had River moving clockwise, in the duct, ten feet above the hull.

She tried to grip the walls, but they were slippery with dust and she refused to grab onto any of the wiring she’d just worked so hard to replace.

“See that’s what happens when little Crazy-Girls don’t wear their work gloves.” It was a point of contention between them and it was too good an opportunity for Jayne to let pass.

“Stop, you’re making me dizzy.” She rolled her eyes at the man high above her. “I don’t need my gloves if you’re handling the rope. Besides they get in my way when I’m doing delicate work.”

“All your talkin’s what’s causin’ the dizziness. I just might lose hold a ya.” To demonstrate he carefully lowered her about two feet then brought her back to her original position.

“Dizzy, dizzy, that is not helping.” She tried to glare at him, but ended up smiling.

“You was born dizzy, Girl.” What the gorramn hell was he doing? Naw, he wasn’t flirtin’ with Crazy Girl. He was just teasin’ her, like he planned, that was all it was. He was sick and tired of seein’ the sad look on her face.

“Dizzy or not, I can still take you down.” Her eyes sparkled with delight at his indignant expression.

“Ya gotta get outta that hole first.” Jayne sent her his wickedest grin but all she did was laugh.

“Anytime, anywhere, Big Man,” her challenging words were like velvet and he could almost feel them rub against his skin. It made him shiver, not in fear, but in anticipation, of…of…he wasn’t sure what.

He didn’t feel Inara brush past him and didn’t see her lean over the railing to call down to the Captain and Simon workin’ out in the cargo bay. “Dinner will be ready in about twenty-five minutes, everybody.” The Companion turned and noticed Jayne leaning into the duct at waist level. “Jayne, is River down there?”

“Just gettin’ ready to bring her up.” He put on his meanest scowl before he faced the woman standin’ beside him. “We’re done here for the day.”

‘Nara wanted to nod in acknowledgement, but the man’s angry face didn’t match the soft quality of his voice. It made her take a second look. “Thank you for helping her like this. I know it’s got to be boring for you.”

“Wouldn’t want Crazy to fall and land on her head. She just got those brains of hers unscrambled.” He shrugged his big shoulders and gripped the rope.

‘Nara patted his arm before taking one last look into the cargo bay. “No we wouldn’t want to do any damaged to anyone who’s finally on the mend.” She whispered, blinking back tears, as she headed to the Galley, unable to forget that Mal had almost died.

“Jayne,” River called and yanked on the end of the rope. It was evident she’d lost his attention. “You’re assistance is needed.”

“‘Nara says dinner’s almost ready,” he shook himself and looked down at a small pale upturned face, fifteen feet below him. “Up ya go, Girlie.” He pulled River up slowly, unable to drag his eyes away from hers. Then suddenly she was there right in front of him. She usually grabbed the outer rim of the duct-opening as soon as it was within reach and jumped up and out in her smooth graceful way, but not this time. She was griping the rope as if her life depended on it.

“I didn’t really make ya dizzy, did I?” He carefully loosened her hold and put her hands on his shoulders. “Hold on tight.”

“Not dizzy just….” she was unsure how to describe how she felt. Almost like there were butterflies dancing ‘Swan Lake’ in her stomach, but her head didn’t spin and it wasn’t at all unpleasant.

He looked her over from head to toe, doing his own assessment before he wrapped his large hands around her slim waste. “Ya ready, River?” She only nodded in return and suddenly he wondered what in the ruttin’ hell he was really askin’. He had no doubt that she probably knew. “Then here we go.” And he didn’t let go of her until he had her feet securely to the deck.

Jayne shivered as he felt her breath against his neck, but tried to ignore that she was still holding on to him. “Let’s get you out of this harness.” With one hand he unclipped the riggin’ around her waist. With the other he lightly ran his fingers over her hair to removed wisps of wiring that clung to it. “I’ll get this stuff stowed, you got just enough time to clean up ‘afore dinner.” As the harness hit the floor she loosened her grip on Jayne’s shoulders and forced herself to step back. It was hard to catch her breath, but she fought to look as normal as possible. “Thank you,” she murmured and fled toward the passenger dorm.

“Captain,” the girl briefly nodded to the man lost in thought at the bottom of the stairs.

“River,” he smiled at her as she breezed past, but as soon as she was out of sight, the smile left his face. He’d been doin’ it again, starin’ around the cargo bay lookin’ for crew members who would never be there again.

He made it as far as the hall above and leaned against the railing. He could hear Inara workin’ on dinner. Jayne was headed below to put away the gear he and River had been usin’. In the background Mal heard a mixture of voices that told him all was safe and secure, or as safe and secure as it would be, until they were back in the Black.

His body hurt. It wasn’t something he wanted to admit. The physical therapy program Simon had put him on was helpin’, something else he hated to admit. He shook his head every time he thought about it. He’d seen the Doc and Jayne workin’ at the table after dinner two nights runnin’. Unbeknownst to him the younger man was drawin’ muscles and the Merc came up with ways to exercise them. It had been funny when it had only been Simon who was walkin’ around the cargo bay with a piece of paper in his hand, followin’ what he had called “a prescribed régime”. It t’weren’t so funny when he’d been given his, all written out in a combination of the Doc’s precise Core world hand writing, and Jayne’s sloppy cursive.

Serenity was really comin’ along, beginning to look like her old self, but he wasn’t sure how he felt about havin’ had no say-so at the beginning. He’d been in the hospital the longest. By the time he was up and about, his boat was already at the repair yard at the northern tip of Eavesdown Docks, getting as much of a refit as they could afford. Even with the entire take from the bank job, it was necessary for the crew to do a lot of the work and there were things that were just gonna have to be done at a later date.

That gorramn Operative’s gorramn sword had ruptured Mal’s spleen and it galled him somethin’ fierce that he’d almost bled to death and hadn’t even realized it. The last thing he’d remembered seeing was Inara reaching for him as his body had slowly slid down the wall. The bright light from the suddenly opened room had thrown shadows on her face, but he’d seen it had been pinched with fear and her eyes had been filled with tears. That’s when he knew he was in real trouble. He’d tried to tell her somethin’, but his vision had faded to black and he didn’t remember anything until he woke up in an Alliance hospital ship with an incision in his side.

Like he did every night just before dinner, the Captain did a head count, but no matter how often he did it, the numbers never came out right. There were always only seven, where there shoulda been nine. He slowly ticked them off in his mind, always in the same order.

One – Inara was rattlin’ around in the Galley, workin on dinner. It was somethin he wasn’t ready to conjure on yet. She’d been doin’ the cookin since they’d been able to move back onto the ship. At first she’d been the only one besides Jayne or River who was well enough to perform the duties. Given his two hired guns’ lack of abilities around a cookin' pot, that had been a no-brainer. The fact that she was good in the kitchen and had been willing to keep on doin’ the shoppin’ for supplies and then preparin’ all the meals was another somethin’ he wasn’t ready to look too closely at.

Two - Zoë’s back was on the mend and Simon had promised to revise her scar if it thickened and shrank hindering her mobility. But it was her heart that everyone worried about. Her husband was dead and though she went about her normal routine, a piece of her was missing and Mal doubted she’d ever be the same.

Three - Kaylee still had occasional dizziness from the poison darts, she’d been shot with, but her bouts of vertigo were growing less and less frequent. She spent most of her time in the engine room, or with the Doc. She’d sit there watchin’ him and sometimes she’d even smile. Mal hated the Alliance for blottin’ out her sunshine, but he could tell by the way the young couple exchanged looks that it wasn’t gonna be no time at all before she’d be doin’ a mite better.

Four - River had fought a boatload of Reavers as if they were her own personal demons and he conjured, that they probably was. She’d come out of it with a few bangs and bruises and one very colorful bite. The Girl was as sane as Mal had ever seen her. Between being slowly taken her off her medications and the secret of Miranda bein’ revealed, she was getting stronger everyday. Enough so that he’d approached her about learnin’ to pilot the ship.

If she still had nightmares, no one was awakened by her screamin’. And given what they’d all been through, he doubted there was a single member of his crew that didn’t occasionally wake in the dark of night shiverin’ in fear. He could hardly fault the girl if she did too.

She had told him that she was still a reader and a fighter. But now she could pick and choose who to read. She worked hard to wall out the people around her. They deserved their privacy and she had no wish to hear any voices but her own. She was willing to use her abilities to help them survive and had no qualms about using them against the people who had forced them upon her.

Five - Simon had been gut shot, but he’d recovered quickly after the initial trauma of surgery. The crew was relieved when he had been able to take over from the Alliance Medical Officer and oversee their care. It was seein’ the Doc and his Merc workin’ together and not arguin’ that made him a might twitchy. But that had been nothing compared to how twitchy he’d become when presented with the weight liftin’ program they’d drawn up for him. The younger man called it physical therapy. The Mercenary had just laughed and called it turning the Captain into a man of action.

Six - Jayne had recovered from his bullet wound the fastest. He’d been out of his sling and workin on Serenity within a few days of gettin’ back from the funeral on Haven. But there was somethin’ else eatin’ at the big man. He didn’t fight or argue like he used to and he was gettin’ along with the Tams, both of ‘em. Not like they was all friendly like, but there were none of the insults that used to fly and make the Captain want to toss all three of ‘em outta the airlock just to get some peace and quiet. He wasn’t sure which worried him more, the fact that the Merc hadn’t complained about usin’ all the money from the Lilac job to fix the boat or that he hadn’t complained about bein’ assigned to work duty with River.

Seven – No matter how hard Mal looked, he had to admit that only he was left. He knew somethin’ had changed when he’d stood before his crew and told them he aimed to misbehave. It had been his way of askin them to sacrifice everything for a cause he believed in to the depths of his soul. It was a feelin he hadn’t had since the war and wasn’t sure he was comfortable with it. …………………………………

River walked quietly to the bridge. She hadn’t bothered to clean up before dinner. Instead she’d used the time to go over Serenity’s schematics one more time, and had finally found the circuit board that had been eluding her. Once she retrieved it and did the repairs necessary, they would have hot water again. But first she wanted to talk to Zoë.

“May I come in,” she asked softly as she stood in the entrance to the bridge. “I need to speak with you in private.”

“I been expectin’ you.” The warrior woman turned in Wash’s chair to face the small slim girl. “I gather the Captain talked to you about learnin’ to pilot. You gonna do it?”

River gnawed on her lip and fought tears, but was unsuccessful. “I won’t, if you would rather I didn’t.” Her voice broke and she couldn’t go on.

“Ahhh, come here, Little One,” Zoë was caught unawares by tears that filled her eyes and ran down her cheeks. She opened her arms and pulled the child into her embrace. “Don’t cry, don’t cry,” she begged, unsure if she was talking to the girl or herself. In the end it didn’t matter. Both women gave into the emotional storm they were caught in and rode it out clinging to one another. One was crying for a lost love, the other because she couldn’t block out the older woman’s pain or her own guilt.

“I didn’t see, I really didn’t,” River wept. “I couldn’t drown out the voices that screamed of death. I’d give anything to be able to go back and change it. I’m so sorry.”

“Shhh, baby. Everything is gonna be all right.” She fought to get her feelings under control, but was unable to do so. It was the first time she had cried since Wash had passed and it felt damn good.

Later when they had calmed down, Zoë sat in the pilot’s chair with River on the floor resting her head on the woman’s knee. “It really wasn’t your fault and don’t give me any of that go se about you not bein’ here, it wouldn’t a happened.”

River’s lip began to quiver again, but she bit down hard on it. “That’s what Jayne says.”

“Hump, didn’t think I’d ever agree with anything that man had to say, but in this case he’s right.” Zoë shrugged and delicately ran her finger down the back of one of Wash’s dinosaurs. “Now back to the original question. You gonna help us out and learn to fly this here boat?”

“Is it all right with you if I do?” She thought for a moment before adding, “It is something I would enjoy very much.”

“I’d hate to see a stranger sitting up here.” The woman caressed the arm of Wash’s chair with one hand and ran the other through the girl’s long dark hair. “Nobody loves Serenity the way you do, least ways not anyone who’s still among the livin’. And I don’t care what the Captain says. He loves this boat, but not like you. I’ve seen you caress her rusty old bulkheads as you move through the corridors.” She thought for a moment and tried to untangle her emotions. “I guess I just have one condition. You gotta leave the dinosaurs where they are.”

“Can’t fly without them,” River grinned, looking up at Zoë’s serious face. “They know all the secrets that can’t be found in books. They will teach me things only he knew.”

“Yup, they just might.” She nodded, not the least surprised that the once crazy girl was making complete sense.

She watched the girl get up to leave and knew there was one more thing she had to tell her. She just hoped she could do it without crying again. “River,” she closed her eyes so if she failed, her tears wouldn’t be seen. “Even if you’d told him how it would end for him, he wouldn’t have done it any differently,” Zoë's voice broke, but she forced herself to go on. “He died doing what he loved best, flyin’ this boat like os piece of magic.”

“You’re wrong Zoë, it was what he loved second best,” she whispered and patted the woman’s shaking shoulders.

“For sure?” Her face was hidden in her hands and she hated that she needed to hear the words.

“For very sure,” River smiled at the knowledge she shouldn’t have had, but was glad she did. “What you brought to him was his magic.” ………………………………..

After leaving Zoë with her ghosts on the bridge, River knocked on Jayne’s hatch. She wanted to get the last circuit board and begin repairing it. The Captain might not place hot water high on the priority of things to be fixed, but she did.

The big man grunted at her. His head and shoulder were sticking out of his bunk, while she knelt beside him on the deck of the hall. “I gotta weapon up first. If I’m gonna lower you down from a duct outside the ship, I ain’t doin’ it without a gun. Eavesdown Docks is might dangerous anytime a day, but especially after the sun goes down. Never can tell who might be lurkin’ about.”

“I’ll get the rope and sling and meet you in the cargo bay.” River had been careful to keep her hair almost covering her face, but either Jayne had grown more perceptive or she’d grown careless, because he reached over and gentle pushed away the deep brown curtain that had been hiding her eyes.

“You been cryin’, Girl,” he stated the obvious and ran an ungloved hand over her damp cheek.

“I had to talk Zoë.” She looked directly into his deep blue eyes needing him to understand. Then added more to herself than to him. “She is the strongest woman I’ve ever met.”

“You’re damn strong yourself, Little Girl.” He didn’t know anyone else who could have survived what had been done to her at that Academy and there sure as gorramn hell weren’t anyone else who he knew who could take on Reavers and come out the winner.

She gently shook her head thinking of a future she knew she could never tell him about. If what she’d seen when she’d sliced his chest was really the vision she believed it to be and not a crazed hallucination, she knew that she would not have the courage to go on as Zoë did. So she smiled and told him the only truth she could, “Tears wash away the pain and cleanse the soul.”

“Did these?”

“Not completely, but to all things there is a beginning.” She shivered as she felt her eyes fill again. “Wash filled her with happiness. When he left he took his magic with him.”

“I was askin’ ‘bout you.” He ran his large work-worn thumb over her soft cheek. “You workin’ on gettin’ rid of some of that guilt you been carryin’ around?” “Jayne is very perceptive,” she murmured.

“Naw, Jayne has had nothing to do but watch you workin’ all day for the last few weeks. A wall coulda figured it out. ”

“I’m going to be the new pilot.” She smiled wanting badly to change the subject.

“Ya don’t say. That should be right interestin’.” He stepped back down into his bunk as she stood in the hall above. “I gotta get Betty and meetcha, but don’t even start to key in the pass code ‘till I’m there, ya hear!” His glare meant business so River didn’t bother to remind him that she was well able to take care of herself. She was more interested in getting hot water for the showers than arguing with Jayne.

link to Ch - 3 - Ghosts