Bug II
Sunday, October 15, 2006

The virus spreads, and Jayne discovers a whole new pleasure in singing.


Jayne was singing. He was standing outside the infirmary, in the common area, his arms up, throwing caution to the winds and singing at the top of his voice.

“What the hell is that?” Mal asked, stepping into the corridor from his bunk.

Zoe looked at him from the bridge. “Have we been invaded, sir?”

“If we have I’m not sure I want to find out by what.”

“It’s Jayne,” came Freya’s voice from below. “Remember? When he was carol singing with River?”

“She’s right, sir,” Zoe said. “I believe it is him.”

“I thought he was sick.”

“Hallucinating,” Freya said.

Mal went back down the ladder enough so that he could see her. She was sitting up in bed, looking better than she had done, but still pale. “Hallucinating?” he asked.

“I told you, Simon was surprised I wasn’t because of my high temperature.”

“You told me he was surprised that you weren’t unconscious.”

“Oh. Did I? Well, he said I might hallucinate too. So I wouldn’t be surprised if Jayne isn’t.” She lay back, the effort of being helpful making her feel exhausted.

“What do you suppose he’s hallucinating about?” Mal asked.

“Mal, darling, I’ve done my bit. You go and see to him.” She smiled and covered her head with the pillow.

Mal climbed back to join Zoe. “Come on. I think we’d better find out what’s going on.”

“You think it’ll take both of us, sir?” Zoe asked.

“I have the feeling it might take a whole battalion, but as we’re it …”

“Yes sir.” ---

Jayne was still singing, alternating between some raucous ditty that he’d picked up in a bar somewhere, and a song about a moon and a river.

Which would have been bad enough at the best of times, but it was made worse by the fact that the big man was naked. Nude. Totally au naturel. Except for the gun strapped to his thigh.

“Now that is downright unsettling,” Mal murmured.

“What’s that song he’s singing?” Zoe asked.

“Don’t recognise it myself, but that ain’t unsurprising. What Jayne can do to a simple tune …” He shook his head. “What the hell do we do now?”

Zoe was watching Jayne, her eyes seeming to be totally unconcerned, but looking the mercenary up and down. “He’s a big man,” she added quietly.

“Ain‘t that big,” Mal responded.

“I meant tall, sir.”

“I know what you meant.”

“Care to allow me to compare, sir?” Zoe asked.

He shot her a look but she only smiled. “Just help me get him back into his bunk.”

“And how do you propose we do that, sir?” She nodded towards the stairs. “Carry him?”

“Ah.” Mal stopped. “I can see you’re thinking there’s a flaw in my plan.” He looked past the singing mercenary and towards the guest quarters. “Perhaps I should take some expert advice.” ---

“Freya’s right,” Simon said, leaning on the door, looking pale and sick himself. He’d finally come down with it too and was not feeling in a generous mood. “He is hallucinating. It’s the fever. Takes some folks that way. I’m just surprised it’s Jayne.”

“’Moon River, wider than a mile, I’m crossing you in style …’” Jayne sang, his great hands clasped in front of his hairy chest.

“He keeps singing that,” Mal said. “Is it significant?”

“Probably. I had a word with him before I … about River. About the amount of time he’s spending with her.”

Mal was surprised. “I thought they hated each other.”

“Not any more.”

Mal’s face registered a faint disgust. “You saying he’s sweet on -”

“NO!” Simon said loudly, then got himself back under control. “No. But he’s just … I think he’s serenading her.”

Jayne changed songs again in mid-stream, now something about a moondance.

“He’s sure got moons on the brain,” Mal said.

“He’ll have something more if he doesn’t give it a rest. Captain, if you don’t shut him up I will shoot him,” Simon promised.

“Oh, I think it’s sweet,” Kaylee said from the depths of the bed.

“You’re delirious, sweetheart,” Simon assured her, then turned back to Mal. “I swear it.”

“Doc, if I don’t get him to be quiet soon you won’t have to.” He glanced over his shoulder. “Can I knock him out?”

“Good idea.”

“What should I use?”

“A piece of steel tubing springs to mind.”

“I meant medication-wise.”

Simon closed his eyes for a moment, and Mal wondered whether he should step out of the way, but the doctor was only thinking. He looked at Mal again and said, “Hydraxine. 15cc. That should be enough to knock him out but not actually do any damage.”

“Fifteen? Ain’t that too much?”

Jayne’s voice suddenly changed pitch as he sang the girl’s part.

“Believe me, Mal, if I wanted to I could get you to kill him and you’d never know.” His face turned pale. “Now excuse me but I have to …” He slammed the door closed and Mal could hear the sounds of someone being violently sick.

“Oh, honey,” Kaylee’s voice said sympathetically. “All over your best pants too.” ---

“I think we’re just gonna have to grab him, sir,” Zoe said, leaning on the railing.

“If’n you think I’m gonna get that close to a naked mercenary, Zoe, you can think again.”

“So you intend to leave him wandering around Serenity with no clothes on, sir?”

“No. No, just trying to think up a plan.”

“Well think faster, sir. Before he decides to take matters into his own hands.”


“I have to agree with Simon, sir. This is something to do with River.”

“But I really thought they hated each other.”

“Sir, I think you need to take a bit more notice of what’s going on once in a while.”

“Like you and Hank?”

Zoe stared at him. “There is nothing between me and Hank.”

“That’s not what he says.”

“I will be having words with that pilot,” Zoe promised, and the look on her face made Mal wince.

“Fine. Just so long as you remember he needs both hands to fly the boat.”

“That wasn’t where I was considering hurting him, sir.”

Mal looked at her then shook his head. “Grab that blanket, Zoe.”


“I’ve an idea how to get our mercenary back to his bunk.” ---

Jayne had segued into another song, this time one about moonlight and roses.

“Moons again, sir.”

“Hmmn.” Mal peered around the door. “Can you get to the infirmary without him seeing you?”

“I think so, sir.” Zoe looked around the corner. “What do you want me to get?”

“Hydraxine. 15cc.”

“Isn’t that rather a lot?”

Mal paused. “You know, I asked exactly the same -” Jayne’s voice went up another level, and he winced as his eardrums protested. “Just get it.”

“Yes sir.”

Zoe slid down the steps, keeping close into the wall. Jayne had his back to her, and she took a moment to admire his rather shapely legs before slipping into the infirmary.

A minute later and she was back at the door, nodding at the captain.

Mal took a deep breath and blew it out of his mouth, then opened the blanket. Only mouthing the words, he looked at Zoe and said, “One, two … three!” He rushed forwards, enveloping the singing mercenary in the blanket.

Jayne thrashed about, still singing, but attempting to use his not inconsiderable strength to break free and draw his gun.

“Use it!” Mal said, struggling to keep Jayne wrapped in the blanket.

“But sir -”

“Just use it!”

Zoe shrugged and injected the mercenary with the sedative in the side of his neck.

For a moment nothing happened, then Jayne’s features softened, his voice faded away, and he collapsed all at once, going down like a tree cut from the base.

“Wouldn’t it have been better to give him the sedative after we got him back to his bunk, sir?”

Mal, laying under the naked mercenary’s bare arm, nodded. “I think you may have a point.”

“Thanks for saying, sir.”

Mal tried to push Jayne over, but his dead weight was too much. “Um, Zo? Could you give me a hand?”

Zoe looked down at him, her hands on her hips. “Sir?”

“Zoe …”

She sighed but leaned over and pulled Mal clear. He stood up, looking down at the unconscious man.

“And now what do we do, sir?” Zoe asked.

Mal had his head on one side. “Looks kinda peaceful, don’t he?”

“So we leave him here?”

“I don’t see how we’re gonna get him up several flights of stairs and through the dining area. Do you?”

“No, sir.”

“We’ll make him comfortable, but I think that’s it.”

They used the cushions from the common area and padded around him, lifting his head to slide one underneath. He smiled in his sleep and grabbed hold of it, pulling it into him and saying, “Vera.”

“Do you suppose he means his gun?” Mal asked.

“I hope so, sir,” Zoe said, heading up towards the second level.

“Thank you!” Simon’s voice called from his room. ---

In the corridor Zoe pushed the hatch open above Hank’s bunk.

“Zoe?” Mal asked.

“Just making sure he’s okay,” she said, stepping onto the ladder.

“Don’t kill him,” Mal advised. “I’d hate to be having to find a new pilot right this minute.”

“Oh, I won’t kill him,” she promised, and climbed down the ladder.

He was lying in bed, wrapped to the neck in blankets, and at the sight of her his face broke into a big but unsteady smile. “Ah,” he cried. “My beautiful angel of mercy!”

She looked at him, her face impassive, then slowly she reached across to activate the close switch.

“Zoe?” came Hank’s voice, something like fear just washing through it as the door swung too, cutting off all sound.

Mal shook his head, and for once felt sorry for his pilot. Then he laughed and went back to his own bunk.

“All quiet?” Freya asked, watching him step down.

“All quiet. Jayne’s sleeping it off, Simon’s destroyed another pair of his pants, and Hank is being severely reprimanded. But apart from that, everything’s fine.” He sat down on the bed next to her.

“Sorry?” Freya asked, her face screwing up in puzzlement.

“Never mind. I’ll explain in the morning.” He yawned hugely and scratched his chest.

She scooted over in bed. “Come on, lie down.”

“I’m still dressed,” he pointed out.

“I wasn’t intending to have my wicked way with you,” Freya said. “I don’t think I could, even if I tried. I just want you to lie down. You need to rest.” She looked into his eyes. “You know, you don’t look too good.”

“I’m fine,” Mal protested, doing what she said and lying down next to her. “I’m just tired is all.”

“As long as it’s just that. I told you I didn’t want you catching it too.” She lay back down and put her arms around him, resting her head on his chest.

“I’m shiny,” he promised, reaching down to plant a kiss on her hair. She snuggled closer.

He smiled, putting his arm around her, then with the other hand pulled the bucket just a little closer to the bed.


Sunday, October 15, 2006 10:32 PM


Oh, I'd pay $$$ to see Adam act this one <G>.

Vera [Heh]

Monday, October 16, 2006 1:40 AM


Jayne sounds hilarious in this really funny wheres Inara during this

Monday, October 16, 2006 1:42 AM


I had a feeling it would spread - the mental imagery of Jayne singing at the top of his lungs, naked is just priceless - thank you for that!

Monday, October 16, 2006 5:02 PM


Well...Nathan's done it and Summer's done it. Sean went half way for the cause. Was about time Adam got into the swing of things;)

Definitely would have made for fun times (and not a small contingent of...affected Browncoats;D) to have seen this filmed as part of an episode. Gotta wonder who else is gonna catch the bug and if they will have some trippy experiences:D


Wednesday, June 11, 2008 5:35 AM


I laughed my ass off... twice.... at work... I thought they were going to turn the computer off.


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