Rating: PG Disclaimer: they belong to Joss Characters: Mal/Inara Timeframe: Missing scene from Heart Of Gold Note All sections are linked. If a broken link occures, please let me know.

Something’s Gotta Give: Part-1- Shattered By Lattelady

Feelings of hurt, surprise and confusion rocked Inara to her soul. She was a Companion, schooled in the art of control. At the moment that control was cracking and threatening to shatter into a million pieces. Why did the sight of Malcolm Reynolds walking out of Nandi’s room casually buttoning his shirt have such an effect on her? It was obvious he’d slept with her friend.

‘So what,’ she tried to tell herself and had to fight to keep from picturing Nandi and Mal together as they must have been the night before.

‘It should have been me in there with him.’ Her inner voice cried out, as something essential broke away, leaving her defenseless against her feelings. ‘Why would he go to her when he looks at me with nothing but distain?’ Her mind was shouting things she daren’t ask.

Inara heard words echoing in her ears as she prattled on about the advantages of not feeling guilt about the act of sex, anything to cover her inner turmoil and keep from shouting to the rooftops the thoughts that were eating her alive. At the moment the only thing that was important was the unconcerned mask she was hiding behind. It was all that kept her going as she turned and walked down the hallway, away from the man who had hurt her so badly. Her one satisfaction was that she had hidden it from Mal. She was oblivious to the anger that had tinged her voice or the tears that burned her eyes until she looked anything but unconcerned.

Inara closed and locked her door, rushing to the corner; she slid to the floor and let her tears come. She held her hand over her mouth. The walls were thin and she didn’t want anyone to hear the gut-wrenching sobs that shook her body and soul. They dredged up feelings she thought she had purged long ago in the Training halls and class rooms.

“Damn him,” she muttered as she wrapped her arms around her middle to keep from flying into a million pieces. This wasn’t the first time he’d made her cry, but it was the first time he’d caught her by surprise and made her feel inadequate.

“Why?” she questioned her image in the mirror as she sat huddled on the floor. “Nandi’s a whore. Mal never misses an opportunity to call me that, so why was it all right for him to sleep with her, but beneath him to touch me?”

“I can’t do this anymore,” Inara whispered as she attempted to repair her make-up, but finally gave up and washed her face. No enhancers were better than ones that told the story of tears. She took a deep breath and quoted one of the many mantras she’d learned at the Training House. “’You are stronger than this thing. This is just a moment in time, step aside and let it happen.’”

As she moved toward the door to return to help Simon with Palintine, she was bothered by a niggling thought, ‘is this what it’s like for Mal when I’m with a client?’ She shook her head to clear it, but the thought had taken hold.

“Tianna,” she gasped as she gripped the doorknob and leaned back against the door to catch her breath. In the course of a few minutes her life had changed. She knew for certain that she would never be able to take another man to her bed unless he was Malcolm Reynolds and was just as certain that he found her totally unacceptable.

Part 2 - Nothin' Left To Lose