Okay folks. I needed to take a bit of a break from the drama I've been writing lately. So here it is, a little comedy ficlet, and I hope very much it makes you laugh. If it does, great, if it doesn't…at least its short! Leave me a bit of feedback either way if you have a moment.

Jayne in Pain Burning through the black usually meant hours of wandering the many passageways that twisted their way around Serenity. Many crewmembers spent their time reading or playing games. Jayne often worked out or cleaned his arsenal, but when he got bored with that, he usually just wandered the corridors, exhibiting his wonderful social skills with each person he ran into.

***

In his eyes, River was just plain whacked. "Not all there," he’d whisper to himself whenever he caught her in one of her more flighty moments. But she was pretty...real pretty, the sort of pretty that made a guy sorta look beyond the fact that she’d been known to become violent. He had more than one scar, numbering themselves on both on his body and his pride, that reminded him of his tangling with the girl before.

Wonder if she’s ever kissed a man... Jayne pondered as he watched River skip through the cargo bay as if she were in a forest.

Continuing to watch her, Jayne made his way down the stairs and to the weight bench, taking a seat on the padded surface. Plum out of er’ mind she is, he thought again, shaking his head.

River’s skipping stopped. Turning to Jayne, she started to move towards him. Jayne’s body stiffened up, his seated posture preparing for a possible entanglement. River’s pace quickened, her body heading straight for the seated Merc who’s face was beginning to fill with fear.

Stopping dead, her nose nearly touching his, she looked into his eyes. “Jayne wants to know if the little crazy person has ever kissed anyone, eh?”

“Well, uh…the thought has crossed my mind few times,” Jayne answered becoming calmer, realizing he was apparently in the clear.

River leaned in, her mind wrapping him in warmth. Jaynes eyes closed his face tilting up towards hers. His right hand moving up her thigh towards the small of her back as he began to rise from his seated position, their lips coming ever closer.

Their lips touched.

SMACK Jayne fell back as River’s right arm swung around and clocked him on the side of his head. “What the…..!?! You ARE a little crazy person!” he exclaimed as he fell back over the weight bench.

BAM River's left leg caught Jayne’s side as he struggled to push himself backwards and away from her. “Kuang she de! Somebody help me! River’s goin’ all xiong can sha shou again!”

Jayne rolled onto all fours, trying desparately to make an escape. POW. River came down on the small of his back with her right elbow, sending him instantly prostrate to the deck.

“Help!” he screamed, as he crawled away from her. The words Jayne, remember the words!

“Bie gao wu mo huang!” he yelled, waiting for her to faint. SMACK Her left fist caught him on his left forearm as he raised in defense. “Dammit!” he continued as he made his way to his feet still back away from her as fast as he could.

“That ain’t them,” he audibly told himself as his panic increased, seeing River methodically making her way towards him still.

Grasping for phrases he'd heard in the past, he feebly yelled “Ya `menedzher pa `ekspartu!” He paused briefly, wondering what he'd just said and what language it was, before he remembered he should continue running. River’s pace slowed slightly, a confused look appearing on her face. Her brow furrowing, she charged again.

POW Her foot dove into his mid-section, causing him to double over in pain.

Struggling to catch his breath Jayne glanced up to see River standing in front of him, her eyes glazed. He again reached into his mind to attempt the words that would free him of his attacker. With an oxygen deprived voice, he strained to speak his next attempt, "Bie gao wu mo huang?"

A slight grin formed on the seventeen-year-old assassin’s face as she continued her advance.

Regaining his ability to breath, Jayne immediately continued his escape, running towards the front of the cargo bay, his head turned backward to see if River was running after him. What’er the gorram words, he thought to himself again.

Reaching deep, he blurted another phrase he remembered. “Vot ma`ya vi`zitka!” he shouted, still running from her attack. "That ain't them either!" he continued, scolding himself.

SMASH River nailed him with both feet square in the small of his back, sending him flying forward towards the bulk head.

“Eta kooram na….” SMACK Jayne’s forward momentum carried him into the frame of the cargo door. His body fell back onto the deck.

Out cold.

*****

*For those of you who are wondering how Jayne would have known Russian…I have no idea, but I figured, it was plausible he picked up the lines below on some sort of job he'd done.

Chinese translations

ji tong tong jue xue - laugh with chickens

bie gao wu mo huang - turtles tell no lies

Kuang she de - aw nuts

Xiong can sha shou - ass kicking killer

Russian Translations

Ya `menedzher pa `ekspartu - I’m the export manager

Vot ma`ya vi`zitka - Here is my card

Eta kooram na…. – Well, them there is the words, well at least what Jaynee got out before he knocked himself out.