BLUE SUN ROOM FAN FICTION - DRAMA

LEIASKY

Never Alone 2/2
Friday, July 28, 2006

The crew tries to offer comfort where it isn't wanted. Simon/Kaylee. WARNING: Character death.


CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 1789    RATING: 9    SERIES: FIREFLY

I never thought I would write something like this, kill off a main character, but the idea barrelled into my brain and wouldn't go away until I wrote it.

I anticipate a lot of unhappy people and, well, I'm sorry. You were warned.

This type of format is a bit different for me as well, but, what can I say, I like to expirament.

Thanks to Tamsibling for the beta!

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Please read part 1 Here.

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Chapter 2

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– The Present –

“Kaylee?”

The young woman didn’t acknowledge the call of her name or even the brush of fabric as it swept across her legs.

“Kaylee, sweetie, it’s getting cold.”

“Don’t matter. Can’t feel nothin’ anyway.”

“You need to take care of yourself.” Inara knelt beside her friend and rested her hand on Kaylee’s shoulder.

“Go ‘way, ‘Nara.” Kaylee rubbed her cheek against the dirt and tightened her arms over the small mound left from the burial.

With a determined set to her voice, Inara said, “I’m not going to leave you alone.”

“Already am.”

Inara blinked back tears. There was nothing she could do to take away her mei mei’s pain and she wasn’t sure she should even try. Kaylee needed to grieve for what she’d lost but she didn’t need to do it alone.

“Not alone,” came the small voice.

Inara glanced over to see River curled into herself, leaning against a small sapling that rested a few feet away. When it was full grown, its shade would fall over the grave and the garden, protecting Simon even in death from the harsh rays of sunlight.

“I’m gonna stay, ‘Nara.”

Inara’s eyes shifted back toward the younger girl, trembling visibly from the chilly evening air. “If you insist, then I’ll bring you a blanket to keep you warm.”

As Inara left, Kaylee raised tear-filled eyes toward her departing back. “Not what I meant.”

~*~

– The Past –

Kaylee stood with her palm lying flat against the cold infirmary window, staring at the stillness within. The door was shut and locked, kept frigid enough inside to transport Simon home. She’d wanted to see his face, even if from the outside, but Inara had insisted that the body be covered. She hated her friend for that.

Her body trembled with the chill seeping into her skin through the palm of her hand. They hadn’t had enough time. 8 months of dancing around one another, a few shorts weeks of happiness. It wasn’t enough time. But Kaylee knew that a lifetime together would not have been enough.

She watched for a few more minutes, the coldness of the room permeating her very bones. She’d cried all the tears her body could produce since Simon had died. There was nothing left. But as she moved slowly toward the door and unlatched it, not even the blast of cold air that met with her warm skin was enough to freeze the tears that welled immediately in her eyes and rolled down her smooth cheeks.

The door slid shut again and she slowly rolled the stool over to the diagnostic chair. She stared for a long moment before reaching toward the sheet where she knew his hand to be. Her hand trembled as she rested it atop his, only the thin white barrier separating warm skin from cold. But before too long, she slipped it beneath the sheet and touched his fingers, so cold, unmoving.

A sob broke through her tightly clamped lips as she stared at the body lying covered beneath her tear-filled gaze. She didn’t know how long she sat there, staring, wanting to remove the sheet and look at his peaceful face one more time. But she couldn’t reach up and draw it away. Her limbs felt like they had lead weights attached to them and simply wouldn’t move no matter the command she gave.

Maybe Inara had been right after all.

~*~

– The Present –

“Have to go with them,” River said as they sat beneath the warm sun staring at the words etched into the tombstone.

“You gotta life to lead. I know.”

“So do you.”

“Not no more.”

River opened her mouth but closed it again as she glanced sadly at the tombstone that marked her brother’s final resting place. She knew Kaylee would have a life again. But convincing her distraught sister of that at this point in time would be a futile attempt River wasn’t even sure she wanted to make.

Her own sadness threatened to overwhelm her and the despair and heartache rolling off Kaylee was enough to choke the breath out of her lungs.

“I’ll watch over them for you.” A tear rolled down River’s cheek as she leaned against Kaylee and reached out to touch the flowers lying at the base of the stone marker. “If you’ll watch over him for me.”

Kaylee sobbed, took a deep breath and sobbed again, harder, until her body shook from the uncontrollable emotion. River wrapped her long, willowy arms around her sister and buried her face in the older woman’s neck, her tears wetting Kaylee’s hair.

~*~

– The Past –

“Kaylee?”

The young woman lifted her head from where she’d laid it on his covered arm and turned to see Zoe standing in the doorway. She’d come in and closed the door, keeping the room sufficiently chilled and allowing none of the cold to seep out.

Kaylee didn’t answer, she simply returned her attention to the sheet that covered her husband’s body, her heart clenching in her chest. She didn’t hear Zoe’s approach until the heat from her body began to warm into Kaylee’s cold limbs.

“It’s not easy,” Zoe began, carefully keeping her attention focused on Kaylee’s face. If she looked at the body lying covered on the chair, the visions of Wash lying in the same place would come flooding back. And she couldn’t show that weakness, pain, heartache, not right now. Not in front of Kaylee.

Kaylee didn’t answer. Her eyes focused on her hands covering his.

“I understand.” Zoe said stoically and turned to walk away. A sob stopped her retreat and Zoe moved immediately to Kaylee’s side. Before she could reach out and offer support, the younger girl turned and buried her face into Zoe’s chest. Hard, wracking sobs broke from her lips as Zoe’s arms came down around Kaylee’s shoulders, comforting her in a grief she felt all too vividly.

~*~

– The Present –

Kaylee stood in front of Inara, her eyes dim, her smile gone. She glanced over her shoulder at the Captain, who stood waiting at the top of the ramp, his hands shoved into the pockets of his long brown duster. Kaylee tried to smile, knowing that he only did that when he was nervous or uncomfortable.

“I wish you would change your mind, mei mei,” Inara was saying and Kaylee’s eyes flitted back to her friend’s face.

“I can’t,” Kaylee sighed. “Not right now. Maybe not ever.”

“I’ll miss you.” Inara embraced her friend tightly, a few tears sliding down her smooth cheeks. “We’ll miss you.”

When they parted, Kaylee’s eyes sparkled, but not with tears. “Don’t keep fightin’ it, ‘Nara.”

Inara stared at her friend, not understanding.

“Me an Simon only had a few weeks but they was the best weeks of my life. I wouldn’t trade ‘em for nothin’.” Kaylee’s eyes traveled up the ramp again. “Don’t waste the time you got, ‘cause you never know when he’ll be taken away.” Tears rolled down her cheeks as she wrapped her arms around herself, imagining Simon standing behind her, his strong arms holding her tight.

Inara swallowed thickly, understanding. But she wasn’t sure if the barrier separating her and the Captain could be crossed as easily as the one Simon had crossed to get to Kaylee. “Kaylee –“

“Promise me you’ll try.” Her voice was desperate now and Inara couldn’t remember when she last heard any type of emotion come from Kaylee’s lips.

Inara nodded. “We’ll try.”

~*~

– The Past –

Mal found her sitting once again on the couch, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders, her legs curled beneath her. He took a seat beside her and simply sat for a few moments in silence, not at all surprised when she didn’t acknowledge his presence. She simply sat staring at the infirmary window, as if hoping for something that would never be.

“You need to eat,” he finally said, the quiet eating away at him.

“Not hungry.”

Mal frowned. He’d just had this same conversation with River. His inability to help the two women gnawed at him, even made him lash out at Inara when he’d truly just needed to vent some frustration. He’d left her shuttle with his tail between his legs, vowing never to hurt another member of his crew ever again.

“I’m sorry,” Mal finally said after several more minutes of silence.

“You should be,” Kaylee said softly, her voice still devoid of any emotion.

Mal swallowed thickly and closed his eyes. He deserved that and more. When Kaylee turned hollow eyes on him, his heart fell into the pit of his stomach.

“He died ‘cause of you.”

Mal could only nod.

“Why’d it have to be him?” Kaylee said suddenly, sitting straight and letting the blanket fall off her shoulders. “Why?”

Mal pushed away the anxiety that welled in his heart and swallowed hard. “I dunno, Kay –“

With a swiftness he didn’t expect, she balled her hands into fists and pounded them against his chest, crying, saying things he knew she would regret later. He let her hit him, her strongest punch weaker than his on a bad day.

Kaylee’s chest heaved, tears rolled down her cheeks and her voice echoed around the common room, but she didn’t care. When she had no strength left, she collapsed against his chest, her body trembling with the release of pent up anger.

Mal’s arms came down around her and held her tight as she murmured apologies against his damp shirt.

‘S’okay, lil’ Kaylee,” Mal soothed softly. “It’s okay to blame me. I blame myself.”

END

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Epilogue

– The Past –

Kaylee rubbed her cheek against Simon’s chest and sighed contentedly when his strong arms came down around her shoulders and hugged her tight.

The last few weeks had been filled with such bliss that she’d been unable to wipe the smile off her face. The Captain had just taken to rolling his eyes and Jayne simply sneered, made crude jokes and did his best to embarrass Simon. But nothing could dim that supernova smile.

They’d talked about their guilt at being so happy after the crew had suffered such loss and it was during one of those talks that Simon had made her a promise. One that Kaylee knew, somewhere deep down in her very soul, that he would not be able to keep.

“It took so long for us to get it right,” Simon murmured regretfully. “I’ve been such a – boob.”

Kaylee grinned and pressed her mouth to his neck, delighting in the shiver that ran down his spine. “It’s okay. We’re t’gether now.”

He tilted her head and kissed her deeply, tugging her bottom lip into his mouth for a few moments before they parted. When his hands slid to cup her cheeks and he gazed into her eyes, she felt the weight of some undeniable force pressing down on her lungs so hard that she could barely breathe. “I’m not leaving you. Ever.”

~*~

Kaylee had been stoic for the last few weeks as the sickness would not go away. Her mother worried, fretted over her every move, but Kaylee knew, deep down, what was wrong.

As she made her way to the garden and sat among the freshly planted flowers that now lined the fenced in grave site, she sank to her knees. The dullness that had taken up permanent residence in her eyes had vanished and within them there burned a small spark of renewed energy. As she reached out to brush her fingers across the stone marker, tears fell down her cheeks.

“You didn’t lie ta me, Simon.” She rubbed one hand over her stomach, and felt the nausea return and then subside. “I shoulda believed you.”

She laid down on the neatly cut grass and cried, tears of sadness mingled with a bit of joy and hope, cursing the fates that had taken her husband from her before he’d had the chance to meet their child.

– The Present –

Tears fell down flushed cheeks as Kaylee opened her arms and beckoned the woman forward. She was exhausted, physically and emotionally, but she wanted to see him, hold him, before she fell asleep.

The midwife carefully placed the crying baby into her arms with a smile, not knowing the strain and heartache his mother had endured in her short life.

Kaylee made no effort to wipe away the salty tears as they rolled down her cheeks. Her eyes were simply glued onto the scrunched little face and the tiny hands balled into little fists. She rocked her son as much as she was able, whispered and cooed to him, placed short tiny pecks to his puffy cheeks.

“I’ll take ya to see your daddy soon as I can get outta this bed, baby. I promise.” Kaylee nuzzled her cheek against the boy’s mass of dark hair. “We got a word ta add to the stone.”

The only answer she received was a whimper as she placed the boy to her breast. He latched on eagerly bringing a smile unbidden to her lips. She watched, entranced, as the boy nursed, as his little mouth suckled deeply.

She brushed her fingers through his hair, smiling when she’d remembered River confiding in her that both she and Simon had been born with a full head of hair, and not bald, as so many babies were.

Kaylee’s eyes glowed with tears as she gazed at her little son. She trailed a finger around his ear and across his cheek, smiling as her eyes settled on his little face. “You’re just like your daddy, you know. He liked ‘em too.” A small sob escaped her lips as she thought about the few short weeks she’d had with Simon. They’d shared so much in such a short amount of time and she at once was grateful for that time and angry that he had been taken from her so soon.

Lost in thoughts of the past, she didn’t hear the door swing open to admit her family until they’d taken their first steps into the room.

Kaylee glanced up as River walked toward her, followed by Inara and Mal, hand in hand. A small smile spread across the younger girl’s face as she sat on the edge of the bed and traced a thin finger down the suckling boy’s cheek.

“See,” River said, lifting her eyes to Kaylee. “Never alone.”

Tears of happiness rolled down Kaylee’s cheeks as she nodded. “Nope. Not alone.”

END

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Thanks for reading. Liked it? Hated it? Leave a review and let me know.

COMMENTS

Friday, July 28, 2006 2:24 PM

MANICGIRAFFE


Oh, lord. I sniffled. Now I'm going to go have a beer and watch the last bit of "Serenity" so I can see the make-out and feel better.

If my wife catches me being all sappy, I'm blaming it on you.

Friday, July 28, 2006 4:20 PM

TAMSIBLING


Seriously, this is some powerful stuff.

This is sooooo immensely sad, I don't even have the words ... it's just killing me, I can feel Kaylee's pain. The scene with her at the grave site, refusing to go, is just heartwrenching.
*sniff* So sad!

I loved this, and all the scenes ring with truth to not only the characters by the situation. I agree with MG, I might need to watch some of Serenity to restore my faith in S/K goodness ... or just write some of my own!

But thanks for sharing this with us and constantly reminding us what these characters are capable for feeling - and what they're capable of encouraging us to feel. Bravo!

Friday, July 28, 2006 5:54 PM

CLIOMUSE


Weeping AGAIN! I love the bit between Kaylee and Mal. He must feel really awful. Sean Maher joked that in one draft of the movie script Joss killed Simon. I wonder how Kaylee would have reacted if they had never had their chance.

Darn fictional characters. Sniff....

Saturday, July 29, 2006 5:14 AM

BLACKBEANIE


You just broke my heart.

Saturday, July 29, 2006 5:47 AM

ALLIETHORN7


Oooooh!!!! I am not liking you at all right now. Your breaking my heart here!

-Danny

Sunday, July 30, 2006 5:23 AM

LEIGHKOHL


I told you when you first wrote this it made me all weepy, and reading it again has done the same thing! I loved Kaylee encouraging Inara to take the next step in her and Mal's relatioship, especially since her's took forever and then ended so abruptly! The scene with her and her child was gut wrenching! You have captured such a sense of loss and renewal! Great Job!

Sunday, July 30, 2006 7:24 PM

BLUEEYEDBRIGADIER


Tian Yesu, Leiasky...this made me tear up at the sadness and joy Kaylee was feeling...it really did;)

I am glad that Kaylee got pregnant...I think that her having a child after her husband died is a better fit for character development - generally - than Zoe. Zoe deserves little ones running 'round and calling her Mama...but I think this scenario should belong to Kaylee for now:)

BEB

Sunday, July 30, 2006 8:59 PM

WHIMSICALNBRAINPAN


I liked a lot Leiasky but what is the crew going to do without a doctor?

Monday, July 31, 2006 1:01 AM

RIVERISMYGODDESS


The whole "Marry us" / only 6 weeks after Miranda bit really bothers me, or rather, just doesn't make sense. I guess I just don't see any point in it myownself, seeing as he knows he is dead and no good will come of it. I suppose it makes for good plot continuity, so Zoe would have some common ground with her.

Another thing that us a little unsettling is how unwilling Kaylee always seems to be to accept the help and support of her family. Most people I know, especially those in such extreme love or with close bonds to a person, do much better in the company of others that they love that can commiserate with them.

I really don't mean to be so contrary, but I like to be honest with my feedback, and I know that's that you want too.

I did like the part in whick Kaylee lashed out at Mal for being the cause of Simon's death.

Though I am generally opposed to BDH children so soon after the BDM, I did like the line “You’re just like your daddy, you know. He liked ‘em too.”

Monday, July 31, 2006 3:06 AM

SPACEFULLOFOBJECTS


Fitting end Leia.

I know what it feels like when you get an idea and have to type it out, in order to move on to something else.

You did a good job with this, BDH death and all.

With a swiftness he didn’t expect, she balled her hands into fists and pounded them against his chest, crying, saying things he knew she would regret later. He let her hit him, her strongest punch weaker than his on a bad day. * Really good scene, you do a wonderful job with Kaylee's speak and actions, I can completely see her doing this, even though we rarely see her in such a desparate condition as she is in your story.

And the ending, wonderful with the child being born to carry on Simon's rememberance.

Great job putting the barreling idea down to type for all of us to enjoy.

Monday, July 31, 2006 5:57 AM

LEIASKY


>I liked a lot Leiasky but what is the crew going to do without a doctor?

Well, they survived before Simon got on board, I suppose they will again.

>I really don't mean to be so contrary, but I like to be honest with my feedback, and I know that's that you want too.

Oh, no worry. If I didn't want honest feedback, I wouldn't ask for it. Let me see if I can answer some of what you didn't like though :)

Re-Kaylee's family. I always think they were close people and she was raised in a very loving, open atmosphere completely contrary to what Simon grew up with.

Regarding Simon asking Kaylee to marry him so quickly, well, the answer to that was planned for this story's sequel. He knew about the baby.

I am glad the story got to some of you emotionally. It means I did something right :)

Monday, July 31, 2006 2:16 PM

KAYNARA


"Kaylee rubbed her cheek against the dirt and tightened her arms over the small mound left from the burial."

"She didn’t know how long she sat there, staring, wanting to remove the sheet and look at his peaceful face one more time. But she couldn’t reach up and draw it away."

For some reason, these two images really stuck with me.

As for Kaylee's reactions to Simon's death, I thought they were very believable. The Kaylee we saw in FF and Serenity was very warm and open, connecting with any and everyone, but had she experienced a loss like this I could totally see her withdrawing. Some griefs you really have to suffer on your own, and I can certainly see her pushing the crew away at first. The fact that everyone on Serenity knew Simon, and saw how happy he and Kaylee were those weeks, would make them look at her with pity--or at least she'd see it that way. I think that would be very hard to take, and I can see her running away.

Anyway, I've rambled enough--give us a sequel already! ;)


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