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BLUE SUN ROOM FAN FICTION - HUMOR
Jayne and Simon wake up with unique perspectives on life.
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 1851 RATING: 9 SERIES: FIREFLY
A'N: I don't own them
I wish I could explain this, but I can't. I starts as your avergae body-swap story, degenerates into bickering around the table, and ends with Wash even though he's dead.
I seriously need professional help.
I feel I didn't use this story to it's potential. If anyone has suggestions on what mischief Simon and Jayne might get into while wearing each other's skin, I'd like to hear it. I can always continue the gag.
Oh, yeah. Now this is how it should be. Wake up in the mornin', an' the lady's still in the bed with ya. Jayne couldn't really remember what lovely he'd gone home with. Far as he recalled, he'd gone to bed like normal in his bunk. But never mind that. Jayne was a pragmatist, an' when you woke up with a fine woman you never asked too hard 'bout how she got there. An' if you was real lucky, maybe you could get her to cook 'fore she left.
But not usually. Usually she was out the door - or hatch, or window, or whatever - before he was totally awake. He didn't mind too much. Just the way it was.
Still, he figured he'd like to know what she looked like so he could look her up again next time they made it to this here rock. He raised up on an elbow, peering down at his partner buried in the sheets. Nice brown hair, light snoring, soft curves. Her clothes were scattered on the floor, and Jayne snuck a glance. Liked to know what his girls was wearin' in case he needed to bring 'em a token of his affection. Sometimes the ladies needed a little lubrication 'fore they got down to business. This particular lass seemed to be of the more girlified type. Nice flower-printed shirt an' some coveralls with a touch of grease an' a teddy bear patch.
Jayne blinked. Those looked somewhat familiar. Oh, ruttin' hell. "Kaylee?"
Kaylee stirred in her sleep, rubbing her eyes and sighing as she turned to face him. "Mornin', sweetie."
Sweetie? Crap. She musta had a fight with Simon again an' decided it weren't worth kickin' the boy to the couch this time. Jayne knew Kaylee and the Doc got into a tussle once in a while, but to have the girl come crawlin' to him for comfort? Not that he could blame her, but this weren't good. No doubt Doc was gonna take a swing at him for this, and truth to tell, Jayne'd probably let him. An' Mal would sure enough dump him in the airlock first chance, an' he might even let the captain do that, too. See, Jayne Cobb night be a bad man, but even he considered snakin' a girl right out from under your crewmate to be bad form. If Kaylee decided all on her own that she'd had enough prissy Doc an' wanted a real man, that was on thing. But Jayne wasn't a rebound type of fella. He decided he should best express that to her so there's no misunderstandin's of the lethal variety.
Unfortunately for Jayne, tact was not his strongest point, especially first thing in the morning. "Now, lil Kaylee, I know you an' I both got some needs sometimes, but this ain't right. I ain't your sweetie."
Kaylee's eyes flew open and she scowled at him, instantly awake. "What ya mean, I ain't your sweetie?"
Damn. Musta told her somethin' somewhat different last night. Had a habit of doin' that with the cute ones. "You're not! We both know that you an' I ain't got nothin' goin' on!"
"But...what about last night? Or, you know...all those other times? Those sure weren't nothin', were they?"
"Other times? Hell. I don't even remember last night, Kaylee. I guess there musta been a fight, but - "
"You bastard!" She hopped out of bed and grabber her clothes. Jayne made a mental note that the Doc did indeed have himself a fine lookin' woman, but was interrupted in his appreciation by a book flyin' towards his head and crashin' against the wall. "After all we done, an' I still ain't good enough for ya?"
"Now, girl, listen here. Never said you ain't good enough. Hell, we all know you're the sweetest thing on this boat. But, well, you an' me ain't kosher long as you're - "
"Girl? Thing? So now I ain't even a woman no more?"
"What? I didn't say - "
"Screw you, Simon Tam! I hate you!" Kaylee stormed from the room without even dressing.
Simon? What the hell did he have to do with this? Although, now that he looked around, this did look a lot like the Doc's room. He looked down at the book Kaylee had hurled at his head. Theory And Practices Of Neurosurgery. Jesus. That sure as hell wasn't his. And where were his guns? For lack of other options, Jayne stumbled out of of the bed and over to the sink. Running some water over his face, he looked up into the mirror.
And saw Simon staring back at him.
Jayne yelped and backed up. He quickly turned around and checked behind him. Nope, no Doc hanging out in the back of the room. What the hell was goin' on here? He pondered a moment, and finally decided to look down. Huh. Pale skin with no scars. No tattoos. Rather well chiseled in the pectoral area, he had to admit. Curious, he raised an arm and sniffed, and was greeted with the smell of some fruity soap that no real man would ever smell like. He ran a hand over his face, not finding his goatee. Son of a bitch. No Reaver nightmare could compare to this.
Jayne Cobb had woken up as Simon Tam.
He pinched himself. This was a dream. Had to be. Weren't no God in the 'verse what would think this was funny. But nope, that pinch hurt, so he was really awake and really, really screwed.
Given this new situation, there was only one thing to do. He needed to find Mal and the Doc - where ever the Doc may be, seein' as how Jayne was usin' his body at the moment - and get this all worked out. Weren't no man he'd less want to live as, an' that included the Shepard with his no sexin' rule, God rest his soul. So far, his only consolation was the fact that he'd royally pissed off Kaylee and the Doc was gonna have to do some fancy footwork to make it right. Otherwise, it was time to go find some help.
While grumbling that he'd actually have to wear Simon's ugly-ass clothes, Jayne realized he had one more thing to check before he dressed. Feeling a mite foolish but still needing to know, he grabbed the waistband of his - Simon's - boxers and peeked in. His eyebrows shot up. Damn. No wonder Kaylee liked him.
He found Mal in the galley, nursing both a cup of coffee and a grudge. This wasn't unusual for the captain, although Jayne had to admit that as of late he was less and less on the receiving end of Mal's temper, as the man seemed to favor glaring at the Doc instead. Which today proved to be a problem for Jayne, as he currently looked an awful lot like Simon. So Jayne took note of the glower, took a deep breath, and decided to just plow on ahead. "Cap? We got a problem here."
"Seems we do." Mal regarded Jayne - Simon - far too calmly for the latter's taste.
"So you know, then?" Captain already had it figured out? Thank the Lord. Now maybe they could find Doc and get this fixed.
"You think I wouldn't? Been sittin' here all mornin' and couldn't help but notice."
"So what we gonna do 'bout it?"
"Well. I was thinkin' I'd kill you." Mal put down his coffee and and sat up straight, the glower turning into outright hostility.
"Huh? Mal! It ain't my fault!"
"That ain't the way Kaylee tells it, son."
"Kaylee knows, too? Hell, she sure didn't seem to care that - wait. What're we talkin' about, here?"
Mal stood and advanced on Jayne, putting one solid hand on his shoulder. "I told you once what might happen you make that girl cry. I warned you that when you start this, it'd better be real. An' now I find out that you got bored an' told her she wasn't up to your oh-so-proper standards. So." Mal began to back Jayne into the corridor, heading for the cargo bay. "I believe we got a date with the airlock. Hope you brought flowers, 'cause the Black? She's a bitch."
"But Cap! I ain't Simon!" This actually caused Mal to stop and blink a moment. Jayne felt a small bit of relief, and took this as a cue to talk fast. "I swear! I woke up, an' there I was in bed with Kaylee! An' then I find out that I'm lookin' like the Doc this mornin'! But it's me! Jayne! Honest!"
Mal took another second to process this, and finally just shook his head sadly. "Doc, I have to say, this is the damndest fool ruse I've ever seen."
"Coming from you, Captain, that's saying quite a lot." Jayne's voice came from the fore hallway, where the big merc was leaning against the railing. Mal noticed that the man was looking rather pale this morning. "Still," Jayne continued, "I'd appreciate it if you didn't kill me...err...him. I fear that if you did, I'd be stuck like this, and that thought nauseates me."
Mal Reynolds had seen some odd things in his time. Hell, he'd lived with more than a few of 'em, Jayne Cobb being the top oddity on the list. Which made it all the more disturbing to see this. It looked like Jayne, it sounded like Jayne, and - even from this distance - smelled like Jayne. But damned if it wasn't pure Simon coming out of his mouth. There was only one good explanation for this. "So, then. How much did I drink last night?"
"I dunno," Jayne answered. "I passed out, too, looks like. Leastways, I don't remember goin' to bed with Kaylee."
"You what?!" Simon suddenly forgot about his current predicament and leapt at Jayne. Both men found it mildly amusing to see this from the other side, but that was quickly pushed aside as Simon grabbed Jayne by the lapels and shoved him up the wall. "I know I don't usually go for violence, but seeing as how I'm suddenly much stronger and have a much larger supply of testosterone, I'm inclined to change my mind. Now. Did you say or do anything to Kaylee that I will have to kill you for?"
"No! No! I swear, Doc. Didn't do nothin'!" Jayne thought back to this morning and smiled evilly. "But you did."
Simon gave up with the talking and pulled a hand back to punch Jayne - when would he get another chance like this? - but never let fly. River materialized behind him and latched onto his fist. "Simon! Stop!"
"What is it, mei mei? I'm killing Jayne."
"No! Can't kill Jayne!"
"I tend to agree with your sis, Doc." Mal's words were still addressed to Jayne in Simon form. "Now, albatross, why don't you explain all this to me. So far, seems like Simon an' Jayne decided to play dress up as each other today."
"I was coming to tell you, Captain." River addressed Jayne and Simon. "You switched."
"No shit," Jayne observed.
"Don't be crude, Jayne," River admonished. "Two souls, two bodies, got confused. No killing!"
"Now, River, I know what goes through your head ain't exactly regular, but I'm damn sure that ain't possible." Mal looked over his shoulder as Jayne let Simon down from the wall, whereupon Simon adjusted his shirt, followed by adjusting his crotch. Mal winced. "'Course, this is gettin' a mite unsettlin' to watch."
Simon turned to look at River. "You knew about this, mei mei?"
"Only this morning. You both screamed in your head, but with the wrong voices." She fixed both men with an amused glare. "And then you both peeked. Sorry, Jayne."
Jayne's mouth worked, but no sound came out, while Simon blushed furiously, which looked downright hilarious given the switcheroo. "Uh, yes. But to get back to the important point, how do we get back to our normal selves?"
River just shrugged. "Beats me. You're the doctor."
"Actually, Albatross, he's not the doctor, which is what's worryin' me." Mal looked around for inspiration and found none. "OK. Let me get this right." He pointed to what he thought of as Simon. "You're Jayne, then?"
"Yep. Want me to prove it?"
Mal cocked an eyebrow. "Most of me wants to say no, but this I gotta see. OK, Jayne. Name your old boss."
Jayne screwed up his - err, Simon's - face in thought. "Dammit, I even shot that hundan. Oh yeah! Marco!"
Mal nodded. "Good. Your turn, Doc." He pointed to what looked like Jayne. "Where's little Kaylee's birthmark?"
Simon just looked coolly at his captain. "Before I answer that, sir, I'm going to insist on you telling me how you know."
"Ever tell you how she got her job?"
Simon winced. "Yes, I've heard. Several times, from him - err, me, at the moment." Simon hiked a thumb at Jayne. "But to answer your question: right shoulder, shaped like a panda bear."
Mal nodded again. "Right. OK, then, we got ourselves an issue. Crew meeting, right now. As for you," Mal pointed to Simon and Jayne, "no killin' 'til we get you two back to normal. Or as normal as you two get."
"Now folks, this is gonna sound odd." Mal paced at the head of the table, looking over his crew. Simon and Jayne - or Jayne and Simon, as it were - had taken up opposite positions across the table, glaring at each other. Jayne had made some offhand comment about Simon's 'soft hands and sissy haircut', and Simon has snipped back regarding Jayne's ferocious odor and malformed bone structure. River was sitting between them at the other end of the table as a guarantee that no one got violent. Inara and Zoe sat to Mal's left and right, watching the proceedings. Kaylee stood by the aft hallway, arms crossed and glaring gigantic holes in what she thought was Simon's direction. Mal had a sinking suspicion that this wasn't going to be a calm meeting. "But it seems Jayne an' Simon got a problem."
"Oh, Simon's got a problem, all right," Kaylee muttered.
"Now, easy there, girl. Hear me out 'fore you decide to kill him. Much as it surprises me to say it, turns out Simon's innocent this time."
"Oh, yeah, sure, Cap'n. It weren't really him what took to my bed, sexed me up right proper, an' then tells me I ain't worth his time in the mornin'. Musta been his twin."
"Simon doesn't have a twin. Only one sibling," River pointed out.
"I don't think that was the point, River," Inara put in.
"But Kaylee's assertion was fallacious," River defended.
"Knock it off, moonbrain. Cap's trying to fix this," Jayne ordered. Inara's eyes widened as she saw Simon call his sister a "moonbrain".
"Kaylee. Maybe we should hear the Captain out." Zoe smiled gently at the younger girl.
"Thank you, Zoe. Now, as I was sayin, we got ourselves a predicament I ain't sure of. But it seems that this mornin', Jayne an Doc have decided to play dress up. As each other."
Silenced reigned. Inara got over it first. "I"m sorry?"
"Simon an' Jayne switched bodies. That," he pointed to Jayne sitting primly in his chair, "is actually the Doc. An' that," he pointed to Simon, splayed out in his, "is actually Jayne."
"I think you may need to lie down, sir." Zoe looked concerned at her captain, and tried to catch Simon's eye for support. Simon, however, seemed to be busy picking his teeth with a fingernail. "On second thought, maybe we need to hear this out."
"It's true," River assured her.
"It's not possible," Inara said flatly.
"Sadly, it is," Jayne - or what was supposed to be Simon - answered.
"Prove it," Zoe ordered.
Jayne - or again, Simon - looked her right in the eye. "Cyanotic. Cortical stimulators. Neural reaction. Need I go on?"
"And you?" Zoe turned her attention to what was supposed to be Jayne.
"Uhhh...I tracked you an' Mal across three planets 'fore I held you up."
Zoe nodded. "True enough."
"OK. Let's assume this....unlikely event is real. What do we do?" Inara looked like she was still trying to figure out the joke.
"Well. That's why we're here. First off, I think we need to know why it happened. River? Got any theories?"
"Karma. 'Don't judge a man until you've walked in his shoes'. Each wanted to be more like the other, so it happened. Cosmic joke." River shrugged. "Take your pick."
"Oh, hell no!" Jayne lurched from his chair. "Why the hell would I wanna look like this? I'm all...pretty an' smell funny an' Lord knows it don't take me near eight months to sex up a woman right proper. No offense, Kaylee, but if I was the Doc, you'da been upside down an' prayin' for more inside of two hours of me gettin' on - "
"Oh, God. Shut up, Jayne!" Mal ordered.
"It's my fault!" Kaylee's eyes brimmed with tears. She took a step forward, looking between both Simon and Jayne for a moment, before making a decision and throwing herself into Simon's lap, even if it did look like Jayne. "I'm so sorry, sweetie. I was kinda wishin' you'd be more forward like, tellin' me what ya want an' such. But I didn't mean this forward!" Kaylee burst into tears, mashing her face into Simon's tee-shirt.
"Hey now!," Jayne objected. "That's my favorite shirt!"
"Shut up, Jayne!," Simon growled. "It's not your fault, bao bei."
Inara and Zoe exchanged a glance. "Did Jayne just tell himself to shut up?," Inara asked.
"I think so," Zoe answered.
"No, I didn't! He did!"
"I am you today, oaf!"
"Only until I kill ya, wuss!"
"No killing," River scolder her brother.
"I only want you, Simon. Not Jayne! You didn't have to switch for me!"
"Oh! So I ain't good enough to switch bodies for?"
"Ha! Blew it again, Doc!"
"Kaylee, mei mei, that didn't even make sense!"
Mal sat down and his head hit the table. Maybe he could knock himself out.
"Kaylee, xin gan, it's not that I wouldn't - "
"No, I didn't, but - "
"Boob," river observed.
"Got that right, Crazy. Boy can't talk pretty even when he's lookin' manlier."
"'Manly' is up to interpretation, Jayne. I bet many women find Simon quite attractive as his normal self."
"Oh. So now there's other women, too?"
"Oh, God. Please don't help me, Inara."
"I was only saying that - "
"How many other women, Doc?," Jayne asked with far too much interest.
"Wait a tick. So this mornin' in bed, that was Jayne an' not Simon?"
"Sure was," Jayne leered, remembering this morning fondly.
"So I really am good enough for ya?"
"Always, Kaylee. I love you."
"Finally!," River and Inara both cried, throwing their hands in the air.
"Aw, Simon. I love you, too."
"But this mornin' you was lovin' me."
"I was not!"
"I swear to God, if you touched her, I will kill you, then resuscitate you so I can kill you again."
"That's not possible, Simon."
"Top-three-percent, mei mei. I find myself motivated."
"Uh oh. This is gettin' ugly." Zoe slapped a hand on the table, commanding silence and stopping Simon in the process of diving over the table to kill Jayne. "OK. Let's all take an hour or so to think this over an' calm down, then come back with any ideas you got on what's goin' on." She turned to Mal, who was slumped in his chair, fingers on his nose bridge. "That all right with you, sir?"
Mal looked up. "Oh, Lord yes. But please," he begged his crew, "keep it a quiet think."
River wandered down to the common room, looking for her art supplies. She felt the need to draw an epic battle between angels and demons.
Inara rested in her shuttle, thinking about Karma, Fate, and the next health exam to be administered by a man who looked like Jayne.
Jayne made it back into his own bunk, noting with pride his pinups and weapons. He quickly pulled down his guns and began cleaning them furiously, still cursing the Doc's soft hands.
Simon and Kaylee went to talk things over in the infirmary. He convinced her that it wasn't her fault and there were no other women. She grabbed his pants and just had to peek.
Mal hid in his bunk, hoping that he could get a solid hour of napping in. His last thought as he dozed off was that he could probably make a case for killing them both.
Zoe wandered to the bridge, sitting in the pilot's chair. She picked up one of the plastic dinos that still graced the console, and smiled at it. She looked out at the stars. "Honey, I know the cosmic power is great, but this has you written all over it. Give the boys their bodies back 'fore I have to kill 'em."
"You heard the lady, Wash. Time to let it go." Book's voice was warm but firm.
"Yeah, yeah." Wash turned to his friend with the biggest grin anyone had ever seen. "But you were right, Shepherd. This is way more fun than dinos!"
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