BLUE SUN ROOM FAN FICTION - HUMOR

LEIASKY

Candle Wax
Friday, July 7, 2006

Jayne loses at cards and must tell a story. And since its Jayne, it devolves into his very favorite topic, much to Simon's disgust..... Oneshot.


CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 2095    RATING: 9    SERIES: FIREFLY

I really am unfamiliar with how all this prompt stuff works. So, Wanmei can be blamed for giving me the prompt table so that I could create stories around these words.

For those of you who would like to see the prompt table I'm working from Go Here.

These stories are all standalone's unless otherwise noted.

Thanks to Tamsibling for the beta!

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10. Candle Wax

“Jayne lost, so he needs ta tell us a story about – “ Kaylee thought a moment and then grinned widely “ – the worst kinda pain you ever had.”

Kaylee’s smile was infectious and even the normally far too serious Simon Tam found himself grinning at her enthusiasm while at the same time wincing at her chosen topic, which he knew, from past experience, would turn dirty as Jayne was telling the story.

They were playing a game that required the loser to tell a true story, the topic to be chosen by the winner and Jayne had just lost to Kaylee’s win.

“I’m not sure River should be here for this,” Simon said, placing a hand on his sister’s arm. He hadn’t wanted her to be there as Inara paid for her loss, after Jayne had won that hand, but he was grateful for the delicate way she had told her story. Even Book’s admonishment about discussing fornication around the dinner table had been ignored and Simon suspected that was because the Captain really wanted to hear Inara’s tale.

“Already know what’s in his head. Can’t be any more frightening,” River said calmly.

“Don’t tell us,” Wash shivered as he wrapped his arms around his wife’s waist. “We just ate.”

Simon winced but was immediately distracted when Kaylee scooted closer and leaned against him. Ever since Early had shot him in the leg, Kaylee had been incredibly attentive, and he found himself enjoying the extra attention.

“Well,” Jayne leaned back in his chair and let his gaze shift around the room. “I been in a lot of pain in my life, but the worst ever had ta been when I visited Miss Mona’s.”

“Let me guess, she moaned so loud you couldn’t concentrate?” Wash asked, eyebrows rising with the smile that passed across his face.

Jayne scoffed and dismissed the married man with a wave of his hand. “Hell, don’t need to concentrate to sex a woman.”

“There’s a comment there, but I think I’ll refrain,” Simon said with a shake of his head.

Kaylee turned a wide smile and big eyes on him and he was suddenly grateful no one asked him to elaborate because the look on Kaylee’s face wiped the comment right out of his mind.

River giggled at the growing sexual tension sizzling between Kaylee and her brother. Proud of herself, she resisted the temptation to lean forward, flatten her hand between Simon’s shoulder blades and give him a push in the bubbly mechanic’s direction.

“Well, get on with it, Jayne,” Mal said, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms. He wasn’t really looking forward to hearing any more of Jayne’s whoring stories, but the man was stupendously stupid at cards, and continued to lose.

“Oh yeah, well, I needed some trim – bad, been weeks, and I was ‘bout ready to pop –“

“Weeks?” River asked, her eyebrows raised with curiosity. She turned to her brother and grinned knowingly at him. “Good thing you’re used to going months without –“

“River!”

Damage done, River closed her mouth with a happy smile.

Simon flushed and he closed his eyes, knowing that Kaylee had turned to him and was studying his face intently.

Suddenly Wash leaned forward and commiserated with Simon. “You know, I’m glad I never had any sisters.”

Simon slowly opened his eyes, ignoring the intensely curious look Kaylee was giving him, and glared at his sister. “Would you like one? I’m sure I could arrange it.”

“Am the fun one,” River nodded to Wash. “You’d love me.” She elbowed Simon in the arm. “He’s too dull.”

“Aww,” Kaylee leaned against Simon again and gave him one of her supernova smiles. “No he ain’t. He’s fun when ya ain’t embarrassin’ ‘im.”

Jayne cleared his throat, ending the conversation. “I know my story’s more interestin’ than learnin’ ‘bout the last time the doc got some,” Jayne smirked at Simon. “Now where was I?”

“Horny,” River answered and Simon leaned forward and took a long, long gulp of Kaylee’s inter-fermented engine hooch.

“When is he not?” Wash asked, and then closed his mouth when Zoe elbowed his side. Jayne scowled at Wash and continued. “Anyway, Mona was trainin’ some new girls, an’ I was jus lucky ‘nuff to stop by on a slow day.” Book suddenly stood. “You know. I think this is really more than I need to hear. I think I’ll turn in.” He turned to Simon. “Should I take –“ River immediately turned to the Shepherd. “Need to know these things. Was too little for mother to teach and Simon won’t ever talk about sex with me – even if he was getting it regularly and not so uptight about it.” Simon groaned and took another long sip of his drink. After a few long sips, Kaylee took the nearly empty mug out of his hand and refilled it. He didn’t stop her. Mal and Inara exchanged a look that spoke volumes before returning their attention to Book and Simon. “Its fine,” the doctor forced out, clearly uncertain his voice would work. “I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this – she can stay.” She was right after all. He didn’t want to instruct her about sex. Though he wasn’t sure there was enough alcohol in the ‘verse that would make him feel right about River learning about the act from Jayne. “Wouldn’t go anyway,” River said stubbornly crossing her arms and staring at Simon. “I need to learn sometime.” She nudged her brother. “Need to loosen up, drink more, it’ll help. Intercourse is a natural –“ Mal cleared his throat and raised his hand. “I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but Jayne, you were sayin'?" As Book left, Jayne nodded. “Right. Well, anyway, Mona was teachin’ her new girls some new tech-niques. Said I could have a free go if I let ‘em practice.” He was getting aroused just thinking about those sumptuous women and with a feral look in his eyes, continued. “One busty beauty was dressed up in all this leather, hot I tell you, and the other was dressed in that slinky stuff ‘Nara wears.” Wash gawked at Inara. “He’s seen your slinky stuff?” He looked from Simon to Mal. “Have you seen her slinky stuff?” Then back to Inara. “Why haven’t any of us seen your slinky stuff?” “You’d better not be looking at her slinky stuff, husband.” “When did we start servicing crew?” Mal asked with a raised eyebrow and a lopsided grin. Inara made a very unladylike face at him and scowled at Jayne. “Perhaps you’d like me to tell them just why you’ve seen any of my – slinky clothes?” “No,” Jayne said quickly just as Wash, Simon, Kaylee and River chirped in with a very loud, “Yes!” “My story, not yours.” Jayne growled, favoring each one of them with a scowl. Kaylee glanced around the table and everyone nodded at her unspoken question. “Yup, Inara loses the next round.” Inara leaned smugly back against her chair, ignoring Mal’s pointed stare. Jayne swallowed nervously, his brain short circuiting as he thought about Inara recounting that very embarrassing tale. “Jayne?” Mal’s voice drew the mercenary’s attention. “Oh, Yeah. Right.” Jayne cleared his throat. “Anyway, these were fine specimens of womanhood and after the red head was done dominatin’ me to the burstin’ point, the blonde dripped hot candle wax all over some real sensitive places.” Simon winced in disgust, Wash trembled as he imagined the pain such a substance would cause down below in those regions. Mal rolled his eyes while Inara remained silent, a passive look on her face. Only Kaylee seemed excited as she leaned against Simon. “Sounds like fun,” she muttered beneath her breath but loud enough so that Simon was sure to hear her. “I think I screamed my bloody lungs out.” Jayne said with a smile. “But that was some of the hottest pleasure a woman’s ever given me. Damn witch she got me off so much, I couldn’t get it up for days.” Simon’s mouth gaped like a fish out of water at the crude way Jayne relayed his tale but when he caught Kaylee’s eyes and saw the smile curling her lips, he wondered just why, again, he’d chosen to ignore her advances. With one more swig of the suddenly very tasty booze, Simon decided that maybe River was right – sex was natural, and a great way to relieve tension. River cocked her head and regarded Jayne with a curious look. “Did the wax hurt more going on, or coming off?”

END

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Liked it? Hated it? Leave a review and let me know.

Since Anonymous users can't leave reviews anymore, if you've got an opinion and haven't registered, it only takes a minute...If you're truly dead set against it, and would prefer to e-mail me a review, you can do so at: leiasky@aol.com.

COMMENTS

Friday, July 7, 2006 2:01 PM

AMDOBELL


This was great fun, but ouch, that hot wax! Reminded me of something Madonna did in a film or somesuch (not that I'm suggesting Madonna worked at Mona's though you never know...). Great job, Leiasky! Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me

Friday, July 7, 2006 2:35 PM

LEANN


Excellent as always.

Stands to reason Jayne always thinks about sex, even in connection with pain (or should "especially" instead of "even"?).

Friday, July 7, 2006 3:13 PM

GRIMLOCK


I've had conversations like that! They're really trippy.

Friday, July 7, 2006 4:15 PM

MANICGIRAFFE


Hehehehehe. That sounds like me and my friends after a night of boozing. Oddly, despite being the blushy one usually, get some liquor in me and I turn into Jayne - I start saying all kinds of odd stuff, most of it resulting in people teling me that they didn't want to hear that.

“Hell, don’t need to concentrate to sex a woman.” I do believe you summed up Jayne in one sentence. Kudos.

Honestly, it's nice to see some random slice-of-life hanging out from the crew (not that I don't like the the heavy stuff we got floating around, but the lighter stuff makes me grin). Well played.

Friday, July 7, 2006 4:21 PM

RINNYPJ


Awww. The banter was pitch perfect here. I enjoyed it.

Friday, July 7, 2006 6:28 PM

DRACONUS


Please tell me we get to hear Inara's story.
Anyway, I loved it. Your banter is always spot-on. Kudos.

Friday, July 7, 2006 9:29 PM

GWENFREWI


I loved it.

2 requests. Answer River's question and then maybe have everyone tell a story... Maybe continuing with Inara and telling how Jayne saw her slinky stuff. *giggles*

Please!

Friday, July 7, 2006 10:41 PM

AGENTRUSCO


since when can't anons review? that's crap. Yer tale ain't though. I liked it. Silly subjects, wacky fun. I wanta hear the Jayne/Inara slinky tale.

Saturday, July 8, 2006 5:14 AM

LEIGHKOHL


Okay, firstly, I sooooo want to hear the Jayne/Inara slinky stuff story, that seems like it would be quite the tale! And I love Simon's thoughts-

>With one more swig of the suddenly very tasty booze, Simon decided that maybe River was right – sex was natural, and a great way to relieve tension.<

Gotta love the hooch! Maybe Kaylee's intra-engine fermentation system will finally break down thise walls Simon has built up, or at least he can get drunk enough to call her pretty again! River kills me, love her in this one! And Wash was great! What an awesome little glimpse at some of the crew's more quiet times (as in not being chased or shot at or trying to outrun Reavers)! Can't wait to read what you have in store for us...'cause I know yyou have more.... :D!

Saturday, July 8, 2006 5:35 AM

SILLYLITTLEDUCK


I want to hear Inara's story!!!

Hot wax... perhaps it's just my prudish mormon self but I've honestly never heard of that. (and highly doubt my husband would let me)

I thought this was adoreable. Mal wanting to hear 'Nara's sexy story. Simon being all turned on by Kaylee's intrest in Jaynes' story...

Classic!!!

Saturday, July 8, 2006 6:17 AM

TAMSIBLING


This story made me howl with laugther, each and every time I wrote it. For me, it's your River - she is always on cue, the best mix of brat, innocence and sweet that we could hope for. Some of my favorite lines:

>>“Weeks?” River asked, her eyebrows raised with curiosity. She turned to her brother and grinned knowingly at him. “Good thing you’re used to going months without –“>>

Poor Simon - no secret is safe, although something tells me the crew suspected this one on their own!

>>Jayne smirked at Simon. “Now where was I?”
“Horny,” River answered and Simon leaned forward and took a long, long gulp of Kaylee’s inter-fermented engine hooch.>>

As always - that's the Jayne we know and love and the River calling him on it!


>>“There’s a comment there, but I think I’ll refrain,” Simon said with a shake of his head.>>

And this line from Simon made me giggle like a schoolgirl - so absolutely snarky and perfect coming from him!

Oh, and of course Jayne's "Hell, don't have to concentrate to have sex with a woman." - I believe put that with "I never kiss 'em on the mouth." and we've got ourselves a well-rounded Jayne character study!

Post more of these little gems soon, I always need the laugh! And the chance to beta!

Saturday, July 8, 2006 6:18 AM

TAMSIBLING


Oops, that should have been "each and every time I READ it" -- sorry! Didn't mean to imply otherwise. :o)

Saturday, July 8, 2006 6:26 AM

OKAMI


That is a damn fine tale. But I realy want to find out about the "slinky stuff" episode. As always Leiasky your chrecterizations are dead on. Thank you.

Saturday, July 8, 2006 2:53 PM

LEIASKY


Thanks for all the reviews, folks. Glad you liked this little funny story. I had a blast writing it.

You, and the rest of the crew, will get to hear how Jayne got to see some of Inara's slinky stuff ... eventually.

Sunday, July 9, 2006 4:25 AM

MORDSITH


Good Jayne voice, Kaylee too. It was funny as hell. River seemed, very...forward I guess. She can be outspoken, but it was a little much for me. Everyone has their take on her though and River and sex make me feel funny inside, so that is just a personal opinion about her. I'd like to hear Inara's story as well.

Sunday, July 9, 2006 11:17 AM

BLUEEYEDBRIGADIER


Oh...oh...oh....this was brilliant, Leiasky! Just loved your interpretation on the BDH's downtime fun:D

River did seem a tad bit lucid for a pre-BDM story...but maybe this kind of wacky talk gives her somehting to anchor on to...

Really gotta love Jayne's statement about not needing to concentrate when having sex....most women I know would either smack Jayne upside the head for making sex sound like breathing air (too easy to even subconsciuously think on) or wonder if his technique is a tad bit....static;)

Really gotta do the other crew members, Leiasky! Gotta find out how Jayne saw Inara's slinky stuff (put bet on sometime during "Out of Gas") and what the other crewmembers will answer when asked a question:D

BEB

Sunday, July 9, 2006 11:27 AM

LEIASKY


>River seemed, very...forward I guess.

It's real hard for me to balance just how lucid she was at the end of Objects in Space up to the movie, because I think she probably fluctuates. In one of the comics (which take place between OiS and the movie) she walks onto the bridge and says 'It smells like sex in here'. laugh

>River did seem a tad bit lucid for a pre-BDM story...

Well, she was rather lucid in OiS. . .

Thanks for the comments! The sequel to this will be posted Monday :)

Sunday, July 9, 2006 4:50 PM

JORJAREYNOLDS


Loved it. Keep up the great work. Like the other reviews I await patiently for a Jayne/Inara slinkiness

Monday, July 10, 2006 4:06 AM

RIVERISMYGODDESS


Been gone all weekend, so I am just getting to this now. I am a little confused on 2 issues: How can you say you have no idea how the prompts work after the last set of stories from you? Also, what happened to #s 01-09?

*“Already know what’s in his head. Can’t be any more frightening,” River said calmly.
“Don’t tell us,” Wash shivered as he wrapped his arms around his wife’s waist. “We just ate.”*

Very funny River and Wash lines.

All of your little River quips just make me laugh, and I disagree with several of you commenters, I think she is lucid enough to talk like that at this point.

This entire piece is HI-larious, can't wait to read the rest of the prompts.

Monday, July 10, 2006 5:19 AM

LEIASKY


>I am a little confused on 2 issues: How can you say you have no idea how the prompts work after the last set of stories from you?

There are specific rules, I think, when these things are written by LJ users. I just took the prompt table and did what I wanted with it :)

>Also, what happened to #s 01-09?

These prompts are not written in any kind of order and are not a series. Most are just stand alone stories using that prompt table.

Monday, July 10, 2006 6:21 AM

TAYEATRA


Tee hee!

I think you should keep writing about this game. It sounds like fun!

Monday, July 10, 2006 7:12 AM

KAYNARA


“When did we start servicing crew?” Mal asked with a raised eyebrow and a lopsided grin.

haha love that. i can see it so perfectly. it's mal's "so there is kissing" grin.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006 6:43 AM

BLACKBEANIE


I can't chose a favourite quote, the whole thing was hilarious.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006 10:20 AM

ZUCHT


I'm looking forwaed to Inara's tail, oop's that should be tale - you know, I think i had it right the first time.


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