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Ten Useful Steps To Avoid Reavers
Thursday, June 29, 2006

Ten Useful Steps to Avoid Reavers. As written by Captain Malcom Reynolds, of the Firefly Transport Ship Serenity.


CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 1963    RATING: 9    SERIES: FIREFLY

Ten Useful Steps to Avoid Reavers. As written by Captain Malcom Reynolds, of the Firefly Transport Ship Serenity.

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How to Avoid Reavers:

Step 1:

When you've detected a Reaver ship it's important NOT TO RUN. Reavers are like bears from Earth-That-Was they'll only attack if they're hungry or if you run. Just pass them by and if they don't change course you're in the clear. However if they do change course please continue to Step 2.

Step 2:

When a Reaver ship starts chasing you change course for the nearest Alliance Cruiser you can find. Hope that when both you and the Reavers get close enough the bigger Alliance ship will look more like an all you can eat buffet than your little ship of molded protein. If that fails then you're in deep go se. Hope that the Alliance Cruiser will save you by hitting the Reavers with an EMP or just blow them up.

Step 3:

Fly so it looks like you're boat is traveling without core containment and if possible grab a few dead bodies and tie them to the nose of your ship. If no bodies are available then grab the most useless memeber(s) of your crew/passengers and use them, with or without EVA suits is up to you. If there are some undercover Feds on-board then don't be shy, let them be part of the party too....they'd make good hood ornaments.

Step 4:

Reavers are insane, not stupid. If you shut your ship down with only minimal life support online then don't expect to be celebrating a victory any time soon. you WILL be boarded, you WILL be raped to death and you WILL think as you die "God, I'm stupid".

Step 5:

Reaver ships are usualy armed with a magnetic grappling hook of some kind. Other more advanced ships have EMP's. Both are very bad news for you. If you can't out run them then hope to God, Buddah or whatever deity you do worship if any that you have both a genius pilot and mechanic who have a few tricks up their sleves for just such occasions. If you have only one or neither then kiss your tight pants wearing toosh goodbye.

Step 6

Always inspect derelict spacecraft before docking with them. It is possible that Reavers have laid out a trap of sorts for any ship that docks and attempts to leave without at least saying hello. Please refer to the fact in Step 4 that says Reavers are insane, not Stupid. Also most likely if these derelict craft were hit by Reavers then the only "survivor" and I use the term loosely, will most probably end up trying to rape, eat and turn your crew into the latest Reaver fashion.

Step 7:

Most non-military ships have no weapons due to purple bellies being so damn annoying with their 'making better worlds' laws. If you have weapons then good for you, use them if the ship isn't heavily armoured or carrying enough firepower to blow you six ways into next wednesday. It's possible that a small distraction of sorts possibly a 'crybaby' sealed with oxygen and enough explosives inside to temperately blind or disorientate the Reavers for the purpose of giving you enough time to flee the scene before they regain some measure of control.

Step 8:

And on the eighth day of Reavermas my cannabalistic friend gave to me a government made psychic assassin who whoops Reaver pigu! It's highly unlikely you'll come across one but if you do, keep him/her! Reavers are no match for one of these babies, however there might be some concerns over mental health, the use of large cooking knives and killing people with their eyes closed.

Step 9:

We move onto avoiding Reavers while planetside. It's good to have some form of fast getaway vehicle and most probably a ship and a pilot willing to pick you up while you're being chased my the most feared creatures in the whole 'Verse! If you have no method of transport then go to the nearest bank or private security firm hired by the Alliance. They tend to have nice secure vaults that'll keep you nice and safe, but be sure they have at least 3 days worth of oxygen, if not then you're in deep go se!

Step 10:

The final and most important step. Keep your wits about you, if you lose your calm during a Reaver attack or chase then you're as good as dead. If you have to fight them no matter what then make sure the only way they can get to you is through a narrow hallway to bottle neck them so you can concentrate your fire. It's also good to have some measure of security like blast doors or strong barricades. Barricades may not hold them off for long but it might buy you enough time to think of a plan.

Oh and one more thing......Grenades.....ALWAYS have pleanty of Grenades on hand!

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Authors Comments:

Got bored a few days ago and suddenly out of no where I shout out to a friend of mine "HOW TO AVOID REAVERS!!!" and then I mention on of the above and he burts out laughing...kinda helps he's a Browncoat too! Also helps my confidence in writing so here it is.

On a side note I'm sorry about the delay on the "Murphy's Law" series but I've gotten a case of writers block concerning that series. I never was any good at writing stories since writer's block has always been my deepest darkest nemesis....well that and a certain movie director but...DAMN YOU WRITERS BLOCK DAMN YOU TO HADES!!!

Any with that I leave you to enjoy the remainder of your day. Thank you for listening to me rant.

COMMENTS

Thursday, June 29, 2006 5:59 PM

MALSTOLEMYHEART


This was so funny! I loved it :) Good luck with the writer's block... I've been there.

Thursday, June 29, 2006 6:28 PM

WASHBURNEFAN


Dude that was awesome! It's a lot like the Zombie Survival Guide, or The Robot Attack Survival Guide.

Thursday, June 29, 2006 7:05 PM

AGENTRUSCO


that's ruttin' hi-larious.

Friday, June 30, 2006 4:49 AM

GRIMLOCK


Failing in all avoidance techniques, remember, to bring a 5-1 ratio of bullets to Reavers, minimum.

Friday, June 30, 2006 8:19 AM

QWERTY


Hee! Loved it! Especially the part about "When a Reaver ship starts chasing you change course for the nearest Alliance Cruiser you can find. Hope that when both you and the Reavers get close enough the bigger Alliance ship will look more like an all you can eat buffet than your little ship of molded protein."

Brilliant!

Saturday, July 1, 2006 5:10 PM

GUYWHOWANTSAFIREFLYOFHISOWN


I liked it

Sunday, July 2, 2006 4:38 AM

BLACKBEANIE


And you WILL think as you die "God, I'm stupid".

LMAO

Hilariously awesome, love steps 2,3 and 4

Thursday, July 13, 2006 5:12 PM

MORWEN112


I, too, hate writer's block. May it be damned to the special hell!!

My fav was #4. "Reavers are insane, not stupid."

Morwen

Saturday, August 5, 2006 7:33 PM

BROWNCOATCRUSADER


Part 8 is awsome

Wednesday, November 22, 2006 10:57 PM

VERASAMUELS


Brilliant! These sound like Mal's rules. I bet Jayne's rules would be different <BEG>.


Vera

Monday, March 5, 2007 11:45 AM

TINADOLL


Gorramit- I spit coffee! That was hilarious!

Thursday, June 14, 2007 12:38 AM

HERMITSREST


Really liked this. Step 4 is my favourite.


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