PHOENIXROSE'S BLOG

PhoenixRose

My personal year is coming to an end
Friday, December 19, 2008

In less than 48 hours, I'll start on my twenty-fifth year of life.
Perhaps that's why it feels a bit like something is scratching on the inside of my skull, wanting to get out.
It was... eventful, this last year leading up to my twenty-fourth birthday. I find myself feeling very manic sometimes as very different impressions whiz through my brain.
I got a letter today that I made the Dean's list for my first real year at college. In some ways it almost doesn't matter to me, as what I'm really taking is away from this are the skills I hope to use for bettering my life. On the other hand, I think about what I've put into acquiring those skills, the times I thought I might just snap under the weight of the work, even though I knew this was the easy stuff and the hard part is actually making a living this way... I feel almost hysterically happy that I even made it this far, let alone being noteworthy. It makes me feel like maybe I can make it, and makes me terrified that maybe I can't. I've let so many things go, so much has built up I've had trouble making a dent in, something as simple as cleaning my room or responding to friends in a timely manner, and sometimes I just don't know what will become of me.
I still cry or get upset over things I wish couldn't bother me anymore. Sometimes a slight is small, sometimes it's catastrophic, always it should stop mattering, and consistently it will come to me in the oddest moment to make me wonder what it is I've done to deserve it.
I am, sometimes, insanely happy with simple things. Friends who miss me as much as I miss them. Good food that I continue (slimly) to earn enough to buy. Someone who wants to cuddle with me and lives close enough to do so on a regular basis. Relatives who really want to get me the perfect gift, though they can't figure out how thinkgeek's wishlist ordering system works, and try so hard to find something in a store that seems like the right thing (but can't be, because thinkgeek is light years ahead of Best Buy) and it's so sweet that they put that effort in and talked to dozens of sales associates who probably had no idea what they were talking about.
I've gotten a few things that are shiny this year, but the best thing in my life is knowing someone is thinking of me. And the worse thing in my life is probably just not being sure I won't let anybody down.
Now that a bunch of random has clawed its way out of my head, Ima see if it's any easier to sleep.

COMMENTS

Sunday, January 18, 2009 12:17 AM

DUN


arrives late of usual,Happy Birthday and New Year,better late than never.Anyhow I was just passin thu and I enjoyed your blog ,Stay Shiny:)

Saturday, December 20, 2008 2:09 PM

STINKINGROSE


Yah. Happy New Year! Relax and enjoy it.

Saturday, December 20, 2008 5:55 AM

ANGELLEMARCS


Well, Happy Birthday in several hours!! Enjoy 25!


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