Everybody dies alone
Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Well, I hope your New Years have been collectively happier than mine.

I had one chance, this one chance at finding and keeping something that's been gone from my life for so gorram long that all hope of finding it again had faded.... that hope has once more faded completely away, no thanks to a complete dearth of time, stress and other interferences on both sides.

Ain't her fault and ain't my fault. At least we got a chance to talk it over finally, and suss out where we stood on it. It was tearing me apart, the desire to keep working at it whenever we could: but realistically there was no way we could make it happen. Not with everything going on in her life and not with my work hours as damned unpredictable as they are. The only hope left now is that she isn't running around making me sound like the bad guy, since neither of us is to blame for being unable to make it happen.

I wanted it to happen. Damn it all, how I wanted it to happen, to find out if some shred of happiness could finally fall upon me. Well, welcome to reality. It's not gonna happen. Everyone's always saying that all you need is love - but if they think all I need is hurting and misery, which is all love has ever given me, I'd give up a real bath to find out what they've been smoking. I've got nothing to hold against her, it's just so....damned....disappointing. I can't seem to quit being reminded of her and wondering what we could have been.

Do you understand now why I'm so hesitant to explore the possibilities?

I'd like to shout out a major xie-xie to a few of you for being sympathetic and considerate about this whole mess. New Year's Eve is a time when most people get together and celebrate with a mighty fine Shindig, a couple of drinks and in most cases a New Year's kiss - how many people break up on New Year's Eve? I don't blame her, and I hope she doesn't blame me....but what the hell happened to "the greatest thing you will ever learn"? I can love someone till I'm red in the face, but being loved in return - that's the part that just flat-out refuses to work for me. I know what a lot of people will probably say, that I have the love of so many friends and family and others to lean on. And as much as I appreciate that, true, romantic and pleasurable companionship, no matter how sorely I might desire it, finds all those friends and all that family - much earlier in their lives, I might add - but can't seem to be bothered to come my way. I find that REALLY unfair.

Well, again, thank you to all the "Kaylees" who have extended their comforts and their sympathies - I'll tuck 'em into the inside pocket of my brown coat and keep 'em close at heart. Even though I keep running into "Inaras" who have left almost nothing of the heart I once had. Mind you, she didn't try to tear my ticker apart on purpose the way the rest of them did - it ended well considering, and we're still friends, which has never happened before.

Can't I ever accrue something more than friendship, though? Can't a "River" ever show herself? Someone I can learn to love despite her flaws and who can learn to love me just the same?

Is that really too much to ask for???


Tuesday, January 8, 2008 1:50 AM


just wondering how your doin

Wednesday, January 2, 2008 6:52 AM


gives you a salute,life can be a real s.o.b sometimes.i know you dont wana hear it but time is a great thing.easy does it ,is all i'll say

Wednesday, January 2, 2008 6:48 AM


Big Hugs! Don't worry things will get easier I promise

Wednesday, January 2, 2008 5:50 AM


Hey.. HUGS don't give up. You would be surprised what happens when you least expect it.... I can promise you it will happen and when it does, it will be worth every awful moment you had to go through to get there. HUGS

Tuesday, January 1, 2008 9:38 PM


No, honey, I don't think it's too much to ask for at all. I'm choked up for you. Not in a sarcastic Mal way, the genuine kind of choked up.
Wish I had more to offer than that. Life sucks sometimes.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008 7:18 PM


Ack! It should be "called"! LOL!

Tuesday, January 1, 2008 7:15 PM


You know, people fall in love all the time. Often, unrequited. But, how often can a person truthfully say, "Joss Whedon call me 'captain'!"

Besides, maybe in time she'll return and the timing will be right. Maybe tomorrow you will meet the one you're meant to be with. You'll never know until it happens.

Later, Cap'n!


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