Not so Shiny moments in life
Saturday, August 7, 2004

THis hAs been oNe of thosE wEEks.
If you don't like to read depressing blogs just ignore this one.... I just felt the need to write it all down.

My grandpa died on Sunday. Happens all the time everywhere right?... sick, hurting people die. I guess he hadn't really been "living" per se for the last few years. He went from an active, never-slow-down-for-a-minute, a world war II hero,a tree hugging... nature loving, wood crafting, just plain wonderful man to being stuck. Stuck with needles, stuck in a chair watching the history channel and trying to sleep through the pain of knowing he had to rely on others for nearly everything.

I have never really been that close to this side of my family, I always let issues with another member of it keep me away. Not that I can blame anyone else, it was all my doing, my decision to stay away as much as I could. I just can't wrap my brain around his sudden goneness... how can someone be there and then not.

It really shouldn't be so hard, I saw it coming, my grandma even admitted that she knew deep inside his last days were coming for some time now. Now she's alone. Now she has ramble about the house that he planned out and built himself brick by brick. She said at the wake the morticians made him look so good, like he did five or so years ago before, she just wished he could come home. I wish that too. I wish I knew how to talk to her. I wish I could do more, say more between the awkward small talk and silence.

I just kept getting lost in my own head, trying to remember him how he was when I was a little girl. He knew everything! He always took me on walks through the forest of their backyard to point out all the plants, trees, and animal tracks. Let me watch him hard at work at his sawmill till I got scared of the big noise and ran to the house in tears... no matter how much he reassured me he wouldn't hurt himself with the those huge teeth on the saw. When I was 9 or so he made me my very own desk complete with cubby holes and hidden slots in the drawers. I never could fathom how someone could make such beautiful furniture and things with their hands. There is so much more but for some reason I can't remember it all... so many years of him that I can't unlock.

At the funeral they folded a flag and handed it to my grandma, played Taps, and a gun salute. The minister talked, although I don't think anyone was listening. After that everyone milled around talking... "sure is a shame... sorry for your loss... at least he is at peace..." I know funerals are all about ceremony and tradition, but it seemed everyone kind of forgets that their actually for the living. I just don't want to forget. I don't want time to heal. I just want to be five again... sitting on grandpa's lap while he rubs my back till I fall asleep.


Saturday, August 7, 2004 2:11 PM


Thaty was beautiful Mai. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Grief hurts, it's the worst and we don't stop missing the ones we've lost. But that's good, we miss them because they were great, because we loved them and always will.

Don't let grandpa, become a taboo subject, talk about him rember the good stuff, share it. Someone remembered, whose spirit is honoured will always be with us.

Saturday, August 7, 2004 12:48 AM


I'm very sorry for you Mai, I really am.


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