Life was never meant to be accepted
Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Karma shat on me. It rained, started to rain right as I started to walk home. It was a sprinkly rain that was more a piss off than anything substantial. And yes I like to walk in the rain, but only when I want to. Not when the clouds decide to make me walk in the rain! It's funny how easily walking in the rain makes my head explode with narrations. My subconcious like the clouds, finally pouring thought into my conciousness. I passed by a lake and watched as its' surface teared and pocketed as if under an artillery bombardment, while the surrounding trees and grass remained placid. It had an eerie effect. I jerked myself away from the scene continued on my way home, with some difficulities. I started to realize how often it seemed to rain on me, how often I was shat on. I briefly dwelled on the memory of camp in grade six, where it rained the entire time, where the main generator was knocked out and we were forced to live in a 'pioneer' camp without signing up for one (score!*not*) , where I was wasn't dry for three days (the whole trip), and where I learned that not only could I make myself believe my lies, but other people too. I was convincing, conniving even. A few facts and I was a mere civillian. I considered the opening of my life (the movie) and how'd I'd probably start it off with rain, but I had a hard time deciding which scene. Maybe it would be camp, sitting on the dark wooden porch, the rain beating down on the roof, and a large circle of the people in my class, all of us playing Mafia. The camp counciller would explain the rules, civillans, doctor, detective, mafia. Mafia killed, doctor saved, detective found out, and the civillians waited to be killed off one by one. I was a mafia, I convinced the civillians not to vote off the three other mafia, I convinced them that I was a detective, that I knew who the mafia was and that it was in fact not who they thought it was. The mafia won the game.
I became faintly aware of the wetness my feet were experiencing. Crocks did nothing to keep the water out. I thought about Chicago in grade ten, of the bus breaking down, of the other bus catching fire, of sitting in the back room not dressed well enough for the occation, or the restaurants standards. I remembered the rain when I was young. The big rubber boots that barely lasted the season, my purple coat. It dawned on me that if my life was a movie a friendly neighbour would have driven by and offered me a ride ( a new pretty neighbour) and a wonderful equilibrium would be reached. My life has so far proved not to be a movie.
Last night I watched The Sound of Animals Fighting Dvd. Needless to say it rocked my socks off. I was horribly jealous of the people in the audience who could watch them, touch them, HEAR them. Anthony Green was soooooooo the way the new Circa album is fucking awesome. If only they came to Canada...and didn't skip Winterpeg. Speaking of which, does anyone else notice how horny everyone is? Is it the spring time? The promise of summer? All I know is that everything holds slightly more potenial than it used to. Certain things are just turning the crank more than ever.
My life is compiled of streets and fields. Of walking in the rain in an endless strip. That's how I would start my movie. Walking home in the rain. I think it suits it. Lets you know up front Karma likes to shit on me. It was calming, the rain, depressing as well. I felt worried and relieved at the same time, I decided that the saying "that's the way the cookie crumbles" is the most apathetic saying the entire world. Only because it masks itself by sounding important and true, like it's encouraging you to move on with life and accept things the way they are. But if we start to do that whats left? We accept that there's no cure for cancer? That there really isn't anything we can do about AIDS? (Though I'm really not one to be arguing for aids....) We'll become as placid as the trees and watch the lake be beat on? The complainers would have nothing to say. It's like all we do is breed apathy and drown ourselves in it. I think maybe that's why I wish I could make my life a movie. I'm so tired of the inspiring success stories, of the depressing love lost, life destroyed, of the chick flicks. Life isn't like that, and my movie wouldn't follow the rules, and I'm given hope. Maybe that's why there will never be an appearence of the amazing neighbour, maybe I'm not supposed to rise up through the crowd; beat the odds. Maybe I'm just supposed to exist in my life. Pick myself up after the problems, laugh at the funny things. Maybe my movie would show you that everyone's apathetic and only pretending to feel, and the love of your life doesn't approach you randomally, that there is no art or hidden beauty behind your downfall, that all the movies lie. After all...That's the way the cookie crumbles- right?


Wednesday, June 6, 2007 7:35 PM


Spring is definitely a very horny time, I think. Lots of fresh air and sunshine and flowers coming into bloom...really gets one's mojo going;)


Wednesday, June 6, 2007 11:52 AM


A simple life simply lived is the axis on which the universe turns... Winston Churchill


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