The Hazards of Getting Older
Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Yesterday I turned 45 years old and I had plenty of time to think about the last 45 years, or at least 40 of those years because all of the events that took place between years 0 through 5 are rather foggy in my mind. Of course while I was doing all of this mulling over the past I was drinking my head off, which seems to be what I do best these days besides make my workers at the job miserable, which I do enjoy in a sick, drunk with power sort of way.

I’ve lived a pretty strange life when I really get down to it. I’ve realized that though I’m successful at the making money part of life, I really don’t have much of that enjoyment of life that people always seem to talk about. I’m unhappy most of the time, and to deal with that I engage in destructive behaviors in attempt to make myself feel “alright” about living in my own skin; I’m failing at this of course. Last night I drank 11 glasses of wine, and argued about religion and politics on in the voice chat section of Yahoo Chat. I wrote 4 reviews of certain restaurants I frequent, and of course since it’s me doing the writing, all of the reviews were totally negative. I ordered out for pizza and then forgot I ordered the pizza, so when my door bell started ringing I was annoyed because it was interrupting my yell fest with the people on Yahoo Chat. I stormed to the door and gave that pizza delivery girl a piece of my mind, and I guess I did it so well that the poor girl burst into tears. Nice Job River6213. I ended up apologizing to the girl, and gave her a $100 tip, and closed the door and carried my pizza into the computer room and sat down.

As I was sitting there I realized once again that I need to change something about this life I’m living; it’s not a happy life. There is nothing fulfilling about it. All I seem to do is go about life making other people miserable, and granted I get a sick charge out of it, but come on! It’s not right. It’s mean, and serves no real purpose; it is an empty act. It could be worse of course. It could always be worse, and I should count my blessings that I have a comfortable life in the 1st place. So many other people are having a terrible go at life, so I should be grateful, which I am, but something is missing; something fundamental and important.

I’ve decided to find out what it is that I’m missing. I need to eliminate the things that are negative in my life. One thing for sure is I think I drink way too much. I drink all the time, but I especially drink a lot when I’m at home, and I seem to do most of this drinking at home. I suspect that I’m a roaring alcoholic, but no AA for me! Those guys are a cult in its own right, and I will have nothing to do with cults. Also, I’ve taken up smoking cigarettes like crazy; this has got to go. I also think that I should get back into exercising because I remember feeling okay doing it, and I had a sense of accomplishment when I looked in the mirror.

It’s interesting when people get to be a certain age they start finding things to change in their lives in order to feel a certain way. For myself right now I feel ugly and mean, and neurotic, and crazy. Another thing I need to change right away is my need to be mean to people. Being mean to someone makes me feel like I’m in charge and in control of the situation, which is stupid BTW, but I do it anyway. Everything’s a war with me, and it doesn’t matter where that war takes place. It could be in a board meeting or the checkout line in a department store; I fight the fight all the time even when there is no reason to fight…does this seem right to you? I need to change into someone better and more alive than me.

Right now I’m sitting at my desk writing this when I should be working. I have a hangover to end all hangovers, and a stomach that feels acidic, and I think I want to throw up.



Saturday, May 26, 2007 6:18 AM


Sorry I didn't catch this when it was "fresh." As another posted noted above, recognizing the need (or discovering the desire) for change is the first step.

The rest is challenging, but not impossible. Having some support structure can be helpful; but establishing one is note easy. AA, btw, varies -greatly- from one group to another. You may find switching groups makes a -huge- difference. Good luck in finding a route to change.

Sunday, May 13, 2007 3:43 PM


Pizza (cold) is my all time favorite breakfast food. Especially if it has lots of flavor like a supreme or with jalepeno!

Friday, May 11, 2007 4:15 AM


And I apologise for calling you a man (I could pretend that it is because gender is no matter to me.. but i suspect that would be lying:))... but the movie idea is still as good...

Friday, May 11, 2007 4:09 AM


No that is definately OK... I mean its basically bread with things on it right?? that is very breakfasty!

Thursday, May 10, 2007 5:21 PM


Thank you all who have responded to my ill-written, but strange blogs. Tell me...Is it wrong to have pizza for breakfast?


Thursday, May 10, 2007 3:18 PM


Well, acknowledging the need for change is the first step. What would make you happy? If you are set financially, take a year off and do f*9k all. See a bit of the world.

And Happy Birthday!

Thursday, May 10, 2007 11:30 AM


River ..I truly wish you the best of luck in finding your path.Happy birthday.

Thursday, May 10, 2007 6:24 AM


"Old age is a shipwreck" - Charles DeGaulle.

"What matters my happiness? I am concerned with my work!" Nietzsche, 'Thus Spoke Zarathustra'.

"To work you are antitled, never its fruits" - Bagavahd Gita, Krishna instructing Arjuna.

Avoiding AA is wise - it is Christian faith without its belief or text. We have the right to pursue happiness, and should expect never to catch it. We don't deserve it, we can't, and its appearence in our life is accidental. We can be glad for the joy the moment, knowing that it is maya - illusion - but that is not an argument against its value or eventuation. No accident that in Japanese culture one of the most strongly recurring conceits is happiness as a cherry blossm - rare, beautiful, but transient. In our own American culture, Frost taught us "Nothing gold can stay". Here's the poem entire:

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

So drink some wine, tip generously, and worry less about worrying.

Thursday, May 10, 2007 4:41 AM


Wow, do I always feel for you when you open up River! We have so much in common. I'm not so into being mean - mostly because I'm a wimp LOL! - but the rest of it is eerie...

I haven't found that satisfying way of living life either, though I do try and try. You're not the only one! I'm always here to chat, or even to listen to rants. I've got my own online buddies who do that for me, and I'm fine to pass on the favor.

Oh - and Happy Birthday! *hugs*

Wednesday, May 9, 2007 5:19 PM


Well...the first step is always recognizing you have a problem or a situation needing correction, River. Knowing that you drink a tad bit too much and you are argumentative about everything and that you smoke? The first big step in being able to find the happiness your missing. Not gonna be easy by a longshot but I have Brownocat faith in your chance of successfully altering your life;)


Wednesday, May 9, 2007 12:08 PM


Hey 45 ain't bad:) Happy Birthday

Wednesday, May 9, 2007 9:02 AM


Your life woud probably make a brilliant arthouse/independent movie.. Nothing so interesting for us moviebuff college students who think we know everything as the portrait of a kinda lost, depressed and slightly alchoholic man.. Im gonna say happy birthday to even though you dont make it sound so happy. also wish you good luck with whatever changes you decide to do. God Luck and Happy Birthday!

100$ tip... a guilty consience shure aint cheap!


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