NVGHOSTRIDER'S BLOG

nvghostrider

Hulk no like wall! BANG CRASH BOOM
Thursday, May 3, 2007

Posted this morning in Myspace Blog:

Thursday, May 03, 2007
Current mood: hopeful


So I'm sitting here this morning and between all the internal and external ponderings/conflict/self abuse I get to thinkin' about the barriers between me and my goals. It dawns on me, I have no extreme goals. No dreams. No agenda.

Simple life seems to be a chosen path rather than a goal anymore. I am better than I ever was. I like myself. There are moments of doubt, but despair seems to wash away quickly in spite of the constant barrage of other peoples problems. And that is what keeps stabbin' at me. Other peoples problems.

It ain't my fault families don't connect with each other, can't get along, or won't ask for help. I can offer only so much before having to dig deep for the last little bit of caring I have left.

It's called compassion fatigue. It sucks. I'd like to use it as a reason for not moving on in life, but reasons and excuses can kiss my light brown ass. There ain't no reason in the 'verse for anyone to not move on in life, to try to be better than than they are, or to love themselves despite how much crap keeps getting dumped on their head.

For those who know me, I've been down for a noticeable while. And I do have to thank so many for sticking around despite my inability to shine. But it seems I face a new challenge. The lack of willingness to shine. I've always wanted to be a person everyone gets along with. To be an unbudging mountain in terms of safety and happiness for those around me. But in doing that I have become someone who everyone can rely on. Someone everyone can look up to. Someone to trust.

Sure, that sounds like a good way to be. But who can possibly focus their lives on other people and helping them feel better about themselves for this long? And who can possibly put up with everyone expecting you to be that mountain of support regardless of the personal cost?

I know. Jesus Christ.

But ya see, he is the son of god. Some would say he was not even completely human.

I am. I want to love, hate, spit, cuss, kiss, fight, jump, run, fuck, walk, hug, punch, hold, long, fall, appreciate, touch, enjoy... That is human and I want it all.


Currently listening :
Social Distortion
By Social Distortion
Release date: By 12 March, 1990

ADD:Everyone MUST check this out. Moving stuff from Fernie Fresh of Who Cares.




COMMENTS

Friday, May 4, 2007 3:03 AM

ALLIETHORN7


G'Luck, mate!
Like msg says, take some "Me" Time outta your schedule. Always helps. Listen to music. Point and laugh at one of your friends or family.

-Danny

Thursday, May 3, 2007 9:42 AM

MSG


Hey I like this analogy. Everyone is like a pitcher and if you keep pouring out and no one pours in, then you end up empty and useless. You have to pour back in to yourself sometimes or you can't do anyone else any good. Took me 5 years of teaching to figure that out. If I don't take time to be a little selfish and take care of my needs, then I can't do anything for anyone else...so take some time, play some paintball, when someone calls you for sympathy tell them you're fresh out and to try you next week. It sounds weird and feels weird, but sometimes you just have to turn your back on people for a few to get enough inside to help:) HUGS and love sweety!


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