Shiny is rapidly losing her shine
Saturday, February 25, 2006

Wow folks it's been an up and down, rough and tumble couple of months and finally it's all starting to take it's toll.

A few things have happened: I found out that going to school over there will cost $15000 a year, at least and I can't work or get student loans.
I found out that work over there is actually easier to find when I get there.
I found out that I can study and get a qualification here, that'll take a year at the least and improve my chances of getting a job over there, but that's another 13 months *stuck* away from the one person that makes my worth living.

I don't know how much more I can take, if the verse keeps throwing not just obstacles but massive trials I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
Wait five years until we can get married?
I'm trying so hard but this *Hurts* and I can endure a Lot and not complain but this is the worst feeling ever. I'm miserable here and I hate every day that he and I are apart.

I know everyone is going to tell me that absence makes the heart grow fonder, that we're young and have our whole lives ahead of us, that what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Last night one of my friends even quoted firefly to make me try to feel better, you know that thing Inara says "This is just a moment in time step aside and let it pass." I almost hit them.

I know that this has to get better, and in my sane moments I know that we have the rest of our lives together to make up for this. That I'm only young and this is life experience.
Well I've had my life experience in spades. I've had so much life experience that I'm rapidly getting sick of living.
This was supposed to be easier than this. I know life wasn't meant to be easy but it wasn't supposed to be this hard.
I thought saying goodbye to him was the hardest thing I've ever done, until I tried living without him.

I'm just so lost and it hurts so much and I know that I'm being completely irrational but right now I just don't care. I miss everything and everywhere I look I see us and it rips my heart out.
I know it's not healthy and I'm trying everything I can to stay positive, I really am but this isn't working and I just keep thinking that I can't lose him and I can't lose the motivation to keep working at this.

I have had so much stuff piled on top of me the last few years you would think that whoever's running the show would cut me some slack, and they did for a while, when he was here it was all bearable and ok and there wasn't anything I couldn't face, because he's my Paladin and he takes care of me but now I'm alone and I'm scared that I can't do this, that one by one I'm breaking every promise I made to him.
I told him I'd be there for him, no matter what and how can I be there when I'm here.

I guess what I'm saying is that right now everything hurts and it's bad for me and I don't know what to do. I really am lost in the woods, it doesn't get much worse than this for me.

I don't really know what I need or why I wrote this, it's not like anyone can actually help me.
But thanks for listening as always, I hope that next time I have something sunnier to report.


Sunday, February 26, 2006 6:38 AM


Here's a platitude: It sounds impossible, but fortunately, we tend to do that.

Where's "over there?" There may be Browncoats in the area who can smooth the road for you (maybe scout jobs, get your resumé and contact data to the right people, maybe even offer you used schoolbooks to save money).

We here are a family of a sort. What does that mean if we can't ease each other's troubles for a spell?

Sunday, February 26, 2006 1:29 AM


Platitudes are the I won't say any.

But lots of *hugs* & *pats* and hope you start feeling more hopeful.

Saturday, February 25, 2006 4:42 PM


*HUG*, I'm sorry that's all I can do, but please know that we are here to listen any time you need us.

Saturday, February 25, 2006 4:08 PM


Hey shinytalent,

Dear, why do you feel you have to report something sunny? Do you not know you can be yourself here? I so hope you do! No need to be chipper all the time; ours is a friendly 'verse; if you feel like crying, just cry, and we'll be there for you. No shame, no facades; just you, and what you need to share, and us gathered around you. Does that seem right to you?

I will, as requested, spare you all the aforementioned platitudes, which tell people how everything will work out for the better, and yada, yada, yada. Quite frankly, I've always found that a bit insulting myself. I guess because it presupposes some grand plan in which trials are meant to be heaped on you a'plenty for some alleged greater purpose. And, honestly, from what I hear you say, I see nothing really fair or equitable about the hand you've been dealt. I'm not sure that really means something; it ought to, though.

I really understand you're afraid; and I'm afraid I cannot take thay away, either. Gee, I'm not much of a help. All I can really say is, that in the short time we've interacted, you have left your shininess on my porch many a time. And I'm not really sure what that means, either. I guess what I'm trying to say is, that you may be lost in the woods, but being truly shiny in your soul, I think that you, like a real firefly, have enough light in you to make it out, even when alone for a while.

You are, in the strictest sense, of course not truly alone, in that I like to think we're here for you. But, while saying that, I full well realize that you have now a path before you that, when it comes down it, you probably have to walk alone for a spell. But we're nonetheless very near. Near enough to see your light, ever shiny. All you need but do, is cry out softly, and we'll hear it, and we'll rush over to comfort you, best as we can. Please, know that, okay?

Saturday, February 25, 2006 3:22 PM


Oh Shiny.... I can't tell you things will get better even though they will.. I promise. Love is a hard thing when you are far away from someone you love especially when you miss them so bad.... If you really want to be there then nothing can stand in your way... As long as he wants you there and you want to be there just go.... worry about everything else after you get there... THE KEY IS BEING TOGETHER... Life is only as good as we make and we are the only ones who can make that decision for ourselves.


Saturday, February 25, 2006 3:22 PM


poor shiny! That's a lot to get through. Wish I could help in some way, but I can't so...*bighugs*


You must log in to post comments.