Letter to the Red States by UnchartedOutlaw

UNCHARTEDOUTLAW'S BLOG

UnchartedOutlaw

Letter to the Red States
Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Okay, so I'm posting this here because it's funny. My sister-in-law sent it to me.

Dear Red States...

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own
country, and we're taking the other Blue States with
us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii,
Oregon,Washington,Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan,
Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split
will be beneficial to the nation, and especially
to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the
slave states. We get stem cell research and the best
beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and
entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make
the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower
than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of
happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be
pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all
our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need
people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids
they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for
no
purpose, and they don't care if you don't show
pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We
do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs
turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources
in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm
control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water,
more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92
percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at
state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of
the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur
coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all
the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale,
Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have
to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and
their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all
U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes,
90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all
Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all
televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University,
Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states
believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62
percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing
the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say
that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that
Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you
crazy b*****ds believe you are people with higher
morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can
have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,
Blue States

COMMENTS

Thursday, September 15, 2005 7:10 AM

THATWEIRDGIRL

*sigh*

This makes us enemies.

And I apologize for making you live in the same country as most of my relatives...it's a shame I let my passport expire...;-)

Thursday, September 15, 2005 5:37 AM

INDIGO

Huzzah! Thanks Uncharted Outlaw... I'm sliding this bit of grinning onto to my mom too.

Oh, and remember Red States of America, you also get Mr. Bush and all his fallout. Hope you're happy.

Blue in Washington, and realizing that this is humour.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005 1:07 PM

UNCHARTEDOUTLAW

Honestly, it's kinda pink on the map in my classroom.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005 1:05 PM

UNCHARTEDOUTLAW

Thank you...glad someone sees the humor in it. :)

Wednesday, September 14, 2005 10:16 AM

UNCHARTEDOUTLAW

Wow, you all are taking this way too seriously.

And RK, you're thinking secession. Not succession.

And frankly, if it offends, well, that's outside of my power, so the world keeps spinning.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005 10:14 AM

BAMAFAITH

Let's see, so if I'm a red-state, I have to give up Hollywood, crazy Northeastern snowstorms and pot. (the fact that illegal drugs are even part of your "good" definition is saying enough, personally.) In return for this great sacrifice, I get magnolia trees, people with manners and the best gorram college football. yeah, I'll take that trade.

As for insulting people---well, I decided a long time ago that I like the fact that people don't realize what a great place the south is. If you all realized it, you'd live here and the entire place would be overcrowded.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005 9:44 AM

REALLYKAYLEE

as i recall wasn't it the blue states that had something to say about sucession last time around? something as in "you can't".

if you didn't mean to offend you shouldn't have posted it. it's not a problem . . . cause it's not-- but only because i prefer mosquitos to people who don't feel like talking.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005 9:43 AM

REALLYKAYLEE

Wednesday, September 14, 2005 9:36 AM

ODDNESS2HER

Thanks, I needed that.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005 6:28 AM

UNCHARTEDOUTLAW

No intent to offend here, folks. Just posting what I found elsewhere. I know there are blueshirts in redstates and vice-versa.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005 6:23 AM

CRIMULUS

I live in a red state (which up until the last election was predominantly blue gorrammit) but I wore a blue shirt on election day. I promise I won't bring any mosquitoes with me !

Wednesday, September 14, 2005 5:50 AM

STARRBABY

I usually look forward to your blogs, but in one breath you have insulted my state, my alma matter, and my weather.

*Phst* - y'all can keep Hollywood.

POST YOUR COMMENTS

You must log in to post comments.

YOUR OPTIONS

THIS MONTH'S ENTRIES

Mar

April 2024

May