When dreams turn to dust - story of my life thus far
Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Nov. 28th, 2004
05:27 am - Confronted by a dream...

When something that you have wanted for a long time suddenly surprises you and seems like it's actually going to happen... something you've only dreamed of but never thought would come to pass; you cannot help but doubt it - against all your senses and feeling to the contrary. Impossible. Nothing good happens to me. It's an illusion, a mirage - it'll vanish as I approach. And so I hesitate to get my hopes up. Yet they rise of their own accord, balloons with strings just beyond my reach and ability to keep them down. Will they be crushed again, as so many times before they have been? Or is it possible that dreams and reality sometimes do exist on the same plane? When only time can reveal truth, I find myself impatient for an answer that I so so badly need, yet dread. And can my feeble hope withstand another drop? Does a cliff loom ahead, down the path of life, just obscured by the fog of uncertain futures? Or will I find my dream there waiting for me?

Nov. 30th, 2004
02:33 am - Dreams turn to dust

If only I'd known, that cliff was far closer than I could ever have predicted. And I didn't realize how far I had let myself go. I entrusted my happiness to fate, and walked blindly forth. And now I am left at the bottom of the cliff, a crumbled mess, bloody, and covered with dirt. Nothing but broken promises. Lost hope. Abandoned plans.

The fog is so thick now, it makes it hard to breath. I cannot see. It's useless.

What did it all mean? What happened to my dream? What was it all for?

I'm sorry. I have failed. I have let myself be ruled by emotion. I have lost my control. And now I feel my very sanity is threatened. I feel so alone. So very alone. Can you hear me? Are you out there? Do you even care?

I have been discarded. Perhaps it wasn't time, perhaps I should have waited. But the dream beckoned to me. Seduced me. Made me believe that all was right, that all would be right. Well here I am.

So lonely. Is there anyone there?

All that is left of that lovely dream is dust, that fills my lungs and chokes me.


Ok, for those of you going 'huh?'... a more literal description of the events passed might be in order.

Some of you may recall the girl I dated three times, remained friends with, and helped when she attempted suicide. (For those that don't : )

Well, we continued to be friends, and she started to get better. Finally, as a great surprise to me, she told me that she wanted to try getting back together. That since I had always been there for her, and always been nice to her even when she wasn't so nice herself - she had decided she did like me. I gave her plenty of outs, plenty of tests to be sure, I didn't want to be hurt again. I finally started to feel reassured. Things online started going really smoothly, and we planned to meet again at Farpoint, a science fiction convention. It would be fun, less awkward, and, being in February, gave us some time, and her some time to get better still.

Well, the online talking grew and grew, and slowly my old feelings of her became unlocked, released, and built upon. While I still had a bit of doubt (witness the first post), she reassured me that all was fine. I started thinking about her all the time. We talked online for hours upon hours, about things I've never talked about with ANYONE else. It started to feel like we were together.

Then tonight. Tonight felt like any other night, at first. Then she started to... have qualms about the whole thing. She felt that I wouldn't like her. I reassured her how I felt, but perhaps that made things worse. She told me that she cannot get close to people, that she pushes them away. She did agree that she felt close to me. I tried to persuade her that things would go well... But by the end of the night, she had totally pushed away. No more meeting again. No future dating. No chats like we had. I do not know how she really did feel about me. I do not know what to believe anymore. She did admit that she was still in love with a guy that had broken her heart over the summer (then later on she saw again and he kissed her and... groped her. But he doesn't love her.)

I feel quite depressed myself. I'm lonely. And I also... I thought I could be good for her, help her find some stability, a guy that would treat her with the respect she deserves, would give her the love she deserves. Only she thinks she doesn't deserve it. She has low self esteem. I can only imagine now how bad she must feel.

But as for me... yeah, I'm feeling pretty down now. Even Serenity won't be until September 30th. I did watch some Firefly, trying to cheer up a bit. But right after I remembered. How that hope, that plan, everything has been destroyed.

Yes. My heart has been broken twice. By the same girl. TWICE.


(Sorry my first FBLOG is so depressing. I just have this need to get all this emotion out there.)


Tuesday, November 30, 2004 7:23 AM


I can tell you are really hurting from this and it sounds like it has been quite an emotional rollercoaster.

It also appears that this woman was, and is, really going through a lot of emotional pain. Unfortuately, people who are in that place are incapable of real, true love.

Real love is about giving not taking. When people are in pain all they can think about is their feeling and no one else's. Obviously she had no idea what she was doing to you (or at least to what extent) because she was so caught up in her own feelings.

An emotionally stable person would either return the love or lovingly tell you that you simply are not the right person for them, and go away before things became to serious.

You seem like a very, kind and open person and you deserve someone who will return your affection. I know it's hard to beleive that there will ever be anyone else, but as long as you stay open to love, love will stay open to you.

Don't shut down and decide there will never be another love in your life. If you do, people will sense that bitterness and not be open to you. It becomes a self-fullfilling prophecy. You must act as if you have faith, even when you don't. When you are open to love, it comes to find you. And it will find you again.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004 6:23 AM


I've said it before and I'll say it again, because it remains true:

When one door closes, another opens. And sometimes the one that opens has bigger knockers.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004 6:01 AM


Woah, long response!

Tuesday, November 30, 2004 5:56 AM


Okay, let me just get this out of the way first. I know that this has been said before, but it still applies here:

Whoever said "it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" is an idiot. Believe me, I know from experience. I was head-over-heels in love before with a beautiful girl that I would have done anything for. We were a cute couple, too. My name is Aaron, hers is Erin.

Aaron & Erin. So absurdley cute.

I dated her for a year, and then she tore my heart out broke up with me for someone else. So I pined after her for close to 2 years. I "won her back" several times, each time beliving that I had her back for good, but each time I got my heart stepped on again.

Now don't get me wrong, she wasn't a bad girl, she just started having a bad taste in guys that just wanted to use her. But what sucked was that for 2 years, I overlooked several other girls who liked me and would have been so much better for me than Erin. I lost so many opportunities because my heart wouldn't let go.

I'm married now, not to Erin, but to my beautiful Nicole, and I almost lost her, too, to feelings that I thought I still had for Erin. Love sucks sometimes. It's sad but it's true. I really feel for you, AFF. I can't give a whole lot of great advice on what to do except to say don't waste alot of your life "Chasing Amy". If it's meant to be, it'll work itself out, but until then, let things be. It sucks, I know, but in the end, (cliche time!!) love will prevail.

Have faith,



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