ANOTHER TALE OF WOE

Tuesday, March 20, 2007 8:37:46 PM

I want to be a screenwriter. That's my secret. Problem is I'll never be subordinate enough to go back to college and I never learned the actual format for such things. I can only mimic plays, not knowing if it's the same. Plus, it's not like the states has a shortage of screenwriters. How do you stand out, one fish in the entire ocean? It's all based off of drive, and I'm too big a coward to have mine make any kind of outward appearance. I am a MASTER at looking calm. But my secret, that only you people now know, is that the calmer I appear on the outside generally equals just how much I'm panicking on the inside.

Most things in my life are wonky right now.

I used to sing. Not opera. I hate singing opera. But back in high school my voice was so in-shape I could break out in song on the street in rain or snow and not get pitchy or lose tone. I never did sing in public like that anyways, but it was nice knowing I could. Now I wouldn't dare let anyone hear me without a good hour or more warm-up. Even then only my family. Still, hearing the kids on American Idol today and realizing I once was able to out-sing 85% of them doesn't really do much for my self-esteem. It's hard singing without my grandpa. Harder than I thought it would be. I made promises to him before he passed. I make the same promises now, that I won't clam up and forget what we shared. Like I said, it's harder than I thought it would be. I feel so lost without his guidance.

Much as I appear to want to stay under the radar, the truth is that I loved performing. I still do. And I miss it in a sad far-off way, strange for something that was within reach but 10 months ago.

This is not going to be a very good year.

I'm a vet assistant by trade, I think I've established that in my life amongst my family. But I'm only that because it's safe. Yes I love doing it, but I want - no, need - more. I need more fire, more fame, more pressure and artistic stimulation. There's no competition in the vet assisting trade. It's all about teamwork. No one notices you, not really.

Truth is that all my lives are raining down on me, pulling me up into a torrent like a hurricane, trying to throw me in every direction at once. I'm paralyzed. I don't know whether to smile or bite -- either way my teeth are bared.