Fanfic Lounge: Firefly and Serenity
Sunday, October 30, 2005

There's a place in Limbo where our Big Damn Heroes hang out while waiting for us to put them through their paces. Watch and listen as they receive next week's assignments. (Spoiler for Serenity, allusions to several series episodes.)


Author's note: A while back I saw a fic based on this concept for another fandom. It's a clever idea but not mine. If someone has already done it for Firefly/Serenity, I apologize; I haven't seen your story. This story is short, written as a screenplay or one-act play.

Disclaimer: Firefly, Serenity, and all characters herein are the creations of Joss Whedon. I hope he doesn't mind me playing with them for a while. Mockery means love.

*** SCENE: A spacious room, paneled in dove gray, comfortably furnished with plushy leather couches and chairs in charcoal gray and plum. Lighting and accessories are tasteful. The d├ęcor is sleek and unobtrusive, with a few traditional touches, such as a gooseneck reading lamp and a shelf of leather-bound books in one of several small alcoves. In short, the place has all the anonymous charm of the waiting room at an upscale gynecological clinic. There are no windows. There is one door, closed.

ZOE is stretched out on one of the couches, napping, with booted feet propped up on the arm. In the next chair over is JAYNE, gloomily sharpening a knife, spitting on it from time to time. Every time he spits, RIVER looks up with an annoyed expression from the volume of Schopenhauer she is scanning. KAYLEE is in an alcove that has been fitted up as a kitchenette, humming while she dismantles the coffee machine. WASH and SIMON sit on a loveseat, thighs touching, giggling and whispering to one another. Oblivious to all of them, INARA sits cross-legged in the middle of the room, eyes closed. Her face wears an expression of angelic peace. It also wears a thick layer of Canton Couture Beauty Mud. In the third alcove, set off from the main room by another couch and a large wardrobe, sits BOOK, almost invisible.

KAYLEE (cheerily): Almost there! Ah. That should--

(A zizzing electrical sound, followed by the tinkle of broken glass, comes from the kitchen area.)

KAYLEE (not so cheerily): Gorram this ruttin' thing!

ZOE (sits up and in one smooth move scans the room and claps a hand to her pistol): Trouble?

RIVER (not looking up from her book): Kaylee shorted out Mr. Coffee again. And dropped the pot.

ZOE (sighs): You okay in there, Kaylee?

KAYLEE (appears from kitchenette, sucking small cut on thumb): Ain't too bad. Maybe could use some medical attention, though. (Looks hopefully in Simon's direction.)

ZOE (shakes head): Give it up, dear. I've had to.

(The two women glare at SIMON and WASH, who pay no attention to them.)

JAYNE (to Kaylee): So, no progress on that still you promised us, huh? And you such a hotshot mechanic and all. (Shakes head disgustedly, spits on knife, resumes whetting.)

KAYLEE: Hey, I know it ain't too shiny, nothin' to drink in here but coffee. But I jus' know I can rig something up---I'll get it figured out next week for sure. 'Sides, there ain't enough fruit left this week to work with, anyways.

JAYNE and RIVER lock their eyes on the single apple left in a dish on the kitchen counter. JAYNE lunges across the room. RIVER bounds across it. RIVER grabs the apple just as JAYNE stabs it with his knife, narrowly missing her hand. They glare at each other.

ZOE (wearily): Break it up, you two. Now, I said! Jayne, cut the damn apple in two.

JAYNE and RIVER glare at each other for another minute. JAYNE reluctantly slices the apple into two chunks. He retreats to his chair with half of the apple speared on his knife and starts gnawing on it. RIVER prances back to her seat holding the other half.

JAYNE (glares at River and mutters): Crazy little bitch.

RIVER (glares at Jayne and mutters): Nasty old man.

INARA (opens eyes and gazes around beatifically): Did I miss anything?

ZOE: Just the usual. But the captain should be here any minute for the briefing--

INARA (agitatedly): Ta ma de! I lost track of the time. . . . (Starts rubbing at her face with the hem of her skirt, trying to remove the mud.)

(The door opens. MAL enters carrying a sleek little electronic data pad in one hand. In the other he holds a goose-quill pen, which he uses to tick items off the list on the screen.)

KAYLEE (happily): Howdy, Cap'n!

ZOE (dependably): Sir.

INARA (warmly): Hello, Mal.

RIVER (coyly): Hi, Captain Daddy.

JAYNE (surlily): 'Bout time.

MAL (surveys the group, wincing a little when his gaze passes over WASH and SIMON, who are now holding hands): Mornin', all. Well, we got us a job. (Pauses, glances at data pad.) About six dozen jobs, to be exact. Y'all ready for this week's assignments? Gonna be a busy time, boys and girls.

JAYNE (apprehensively): I ain't gonna get abused by Reavers again this week, am I? 'Cause I've still got a few stitches left in me from last time, an' in a highly personal region--

ZOE, KAYLEE, and RIVER: Jayne, gross!

MAL: Gorramit, Jayne, spare us the visuals! And no, you ain't gettin' abused by Reavers again this week. Fact is, nothin' on anyone's docket looks terribly Reavery.

(Sighs and murmurs of relief all around except for RIVER, who looks disappointed.)

MAL: Okay, Zoe, I'll start with you. You want the good news or the bad news?

ZOE: Might as well get the bad news out of the way, sir.

MAL (lays a sympathetic hand on his first officer's shoulder): Looks like that crossover you've been hoping for hasn't come along this week, either.

ZOE (pounds one fist into the other palm): Damn! How hard would it be for someone to hook me up with Morpheus? Just one time!

MAL: I know, Zoe. Sorry about that. And, uh, you'd better stock up on anti-nausea meds. I'm afraid you're gonna have a lot of morning sickness this week.

WASH (looks up, sheepish): Sorry, Zoe.

ZOE (rolls eyes): You surely are. (To MAL): What's the good news?

MAL: Your lucky streak continues. Still no gettin' sexed by Jayne.

ZOE (with a cold glance at JAYNE): That's a damn good thing, sir.

JAYNE (nervously): Hey, now, Zoe, I ain't wantin' that any more'n you are, y'know. I'd just as soon keep my man-parts attached--

ZOE, KAYLEE, and RIVER: Jayne, gross!

JAYNE (to MAL): But I do get sexed up some this week, right?

MAL (peevishly): Yes, Jayne. You get more action than anyone, Jayne. Again. Everybody loves Jayne. Let's see what we've got for you here. (Studies list.) Okay, we've got Jayne's dark side, Jayne's secret feelings, Jayne's good side, Jayne redeems himself, Jayne's tormented past, Jayne's heart of gold--

JAYNE (grinning): Damn, that's all right!

MAL: Not the whorehouse, you idiot. Where was I? Right. Jayne has hidden depths, Jayne doesn't have any hidden depths. . . . More of the same. Oh, I almost forgot. (Smirks.) You're gonna be wearing the hat a lot this week.

EVERYONE snickers.

JAYNE (groans): Mal, what about the sex?

MAL: Looks like a couple of OCs, a dozen or so Kaylees--

JAYNE leers appreciatively at KAYLEE.

KAYLEE (shrugs): Fine by me. (Glances at Simon.) Least Jayne's a real man.

MAL: --and of course, finishing up on the Jayne front--

RIVER and JAYNE: Ewww.

MAL (with an evil grin): Yep, a good couple dozen of 'em. The writers just know you two are meant for each other underneath all that fightin'--

JAYNE: What a load of go se.

RIVER (snidely): So, then, I'm in for the usual lot of sex with Jayne. Is anything even remotely pleasant going to happen to me?

MAL: 'Fraid not, albatross. This week looks pretty dark. You're gonna have a high gibberish quotient, too. Lotsa crazy time.

RIVER (flops back in her chair with arms crossed and sulks): Oh, great. You'd think just once we could land on a normal planet and I could meet some cool guy. . . .

MAL: On the bright side, looks like you could be developin' some sparkly new powers. Almost mystical, like. Might be fun.

RIVER: Sure, sure.

MAL: Moving on . . . Inara.

INARA (looks up demurely from under lowered eyelids): Yes, Mal?

MAL (grins): We're gonna have us a week, sweetheart!

INARA (pumps fist in air, but in ladylike fashion): Whoo-hoo!

MAL: I ain't sayin' there won't be some shootin' and danger and rescues from tight spots an' all, but you and I are gonna be spendin' most o' the week in the sack. (Pauses, coughs, looks a bit uncomfortable.) Only thing is, I'm gonna have to spend some time with someone else, too. . . .

RIVER looks up hopefully.

SIMON (to MAL, resignedly): Oh, here it comes. (Makes two-thirds of a Zorro sign in the air with one forefinger.) Slash, slash.

MAL: Sorry, Doc. But they do love to get us together.

WASH: Well, what about--

MAL: Nope, nothin' doin'. Seems like nobody can picture you and Simon together. Hell, I'm lookin' right at it, and I can't picture it, either.

SIMON (to WASH): When I'm with him it won't mean anything, honest.

WASH: But he's got those tight pants, and that big--

SIMON and MAL (together, hastily): Never mind about that.

MAL: Wash, I'm afraid all I've got for you this week is some flying, some banter, and the usual domestic bliss.

WASH and ZOE fake-smile at each other.

WASH: At least I'm not going to be dead all week.

MAL: Oh, there'll be plenty of Wash-is-dead stuff, but you get to sit those out. Kick back, take it easy. Don't even have to do any flashbacks.

WASH: Do I get to play with the dinos at all?

MAL (scans list): Uhh . . . oh, yeah, here they are. (Flinches.) How attached are you to that T. rex, anyway? Never mind. Moving on.

WASH: Wait! What happens to Rex?

MAL (firmly): Moving on. Kaylee, Simon, you know the drill.

KAYLEE and SIMON nod, not looking at each other.

MAL (glancing at each in turn): You gonna be able to handle it?

KAYLEE: Sure, cap'n. You know I'm always up to the job. (Glances at Simon and tosses her hair.) Besides, I'll have Jayne to look forward to. SIMON: Uh, er, Kaylee, I, um . . . .

KAYLEE: Oh, stow it, Simon, it's okay. We'll get through it. We're professionals.

MAL: Let's see, that leaves . . .

BOOK (speaks from the alcove, where he's been sitting unnoticed): Me.

MAL: Right, Shepherd, I almost forgot you!

BOOK (drily): There's a surprise.

MAL: Looks like a light week for you, Shepherd.

BOOK (more drily): How about that. Another surprise. Let me guess: a couple of cameos, walk-ons. Some words of wisdom, perhaps?

MAL: 'Bout that.

BOOK: Just once, I'd like to-- (voice changes, becomes a vicious snarl as he quotes) --'I don't give half a hump!' (voice returns to normal soothing paternal tone) My, that was enjoyable. But perhaps one of these days we'll get around to exploring more of my mysterious past.

MAL: Sure, Shepherd. (lowers voice) Confidentially, I've heard a rumor that there may be a plot in the works involving you and Mr. Niska and Mr. Universe. . . .

BOOK (drily again): Well, won't that be fun? MAL (looks around at his crew): So, we ready to go out there and do the impossible one more time?

EVERYONE (gets to feet and stands, more or less, at attention): Hell, yeah.

MAL leads them out the door. It closes behind them. A moment later it opens again. JAYNE darts in, runs to the wardrobe, opens it, and fishes around inside. He claps a pink woolly cap with earflaps and pompoms onto his head, gives a furtive glance toward the door, and pauses in front of a mirror to smile fatuously at his reflection, adjusting the cap ever so slightly, before grabbing Vera from a side table and rushing out, slamming the door behind him.



Monday, October 31, 2005 2:12 AM


Glad to hear characters' thoughts on our efforts!

Monday, October 31, 2005 5:05 AM


The story that inspired me to do this had the Deep Space 9 crew complaining about their lot, in between fanfic assignments. I don't know who or what HonorH is, but I'll look for it.

Monday, October 31, 2005 9:37 AM


That is cute. I almost want to write a Wash/Simon fic just for them now.

Monday, October 31, 2005 11:30 AM


This was kind of fun.
So...anybody want to even try to write a Wash/Simon?????????? *runs screaming and hides under Jayne's bunk*

Monday, October 31, 2005 1:09 PM


Thanks for the suggestions of fics to check out, re Book and Wash/Simon (and here I thought that was the one pairing that'd never, ever happen. . . ). Also, thanks for the feedback, all. Much appreciated.

Monday, October 31, 2005 1:59 PM


Funny. Weird that it makes me feel guilty for writing.

Haven't seen a lot of Mal/Simon fic. Guess I haven't been looking too hard.

Monday, October 31, 2005 3:20 PM


awesome! We should each write one about how we think the characters would react to our fanfics... dude, this could be fun! I loved this though, great idea!

Thursday, November 3, 2005 1:40 AM


INARA (pumps fist in air, but in ladylike fashion): Whoo-hoo!

the ever-graceful inara there...


Monday, November 14, 2005 10:20 AM


Thanks, last poster. I appreciate the FB. Sorry you had a hassle finding the story, I'll see if I can re-archive it under Humor.

As for the DS9 fic that inspired it, I read it quite a few years ago and don't remember title, author, where I came across it, or any details. The story might still be around somewhere, but I'm not into Trek stuff and wouldn't know where to start--I found the original quite by accident while looking for something else. You might try googling for something like "fanfic lounge DS9"--I think the story might actually have had that phrase in the title.

Thanks for the tip about Power of the Pen. I'm going to look it up.

Sunday, December 4, 2005 8:39 AM



This is so brilliant! Giggles, top to bottom. A beautiful parody, and so so so true.

Thanks for the laughs!

Friday, December 16, 2005 4:48 AM


Oh, my...that was hilarious! Great job! Thanks for this little gem. *big grin*

Tuesday, December 20, 2005 10:56 PM


Heard about this in a review on Firefly Talk. I concur: Good work


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Jayne receives a startling request from River. No angst, no violence (except to delicate sensibilities), and not much plot, either. NC-17 for graphic sex, or something very much like it. Set after Serenity, so there are a couple of spoilers.

Fanfic Lounge: Firefly and Serenity
There's a place in Limbo where our Big Damn Heroes hang out while waiting for us to put them through their paces. Watch and listen as they receive next week's assignments. (Spoiler for Serenity, allusions to several series episodes.)

Public Relations
Jayne was against taking a new passenger aboard Serenity, but he wouldn't've shot her for it. By the time he did shoot her, things had changed some.