GENERAL DISCUSSIONS

How 'bout a Joke?

POSTED BY: DUCESTECUM
UPDATED: Friday, September 23, 2005 05:15
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Thursday, September 22, 2005 9:36 AM

DUCESTECUM


We have all been stressed out about the movie. Let's have a laugh. Here's one I just received.

Nun at Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the light would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

And she thought she was being discreet!

Anyone care to add one?

And I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an over-abundance of schooling. Mal, Train Job

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Thursday, September 22, 2005 10:11 AM

MALICIOUS



A "friend" of mine (a MAN of course) sent these to me:



Darn, it's good to be a man.....


Your last name stays put

The garage is all yours

Wedding plans take care of themselves

Chocolate is just another snack

You can be President

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park

Car mechanics tell you the truth

The world is your urinal

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one is just too "icky"

Same work, more pay

Wrinkles add character

Wedding dress-$5,000; tux rental $100

People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected

New shos don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet

One mood, ALL the time

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat

You know stuff about tanks

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase

You can open all your own jars

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend

Your underwear is $8.95 for a six-pack

Everything on your face stays its original color

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough

You don't have to stop and think which way to turn a nut on a bolt

You almost never have strap problems in public

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes

You don't have to shave below your neck

Your belly usually hides your big hips

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th in 45 min. or less



Now do you understand why men are so cheerful


Mal-licious

I'm going to add cursing and the hurling about of things to my repertoire.

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Thursday, September 22, 2005 10:15 AM

MALICIOUS


Oh, and here's one our beloved Jefe Magnifico de la ThisLand Brownitopia (BadgersHat) sent me, it's in the religious theme that started this thread:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the Pearly Gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at them with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."


Mal-licious

I'm going to add cursing and the hurling about of things to my repertoire.

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Thursday, September 22, 2005 11:06 AM

OXYOPIA


I found this on Boing Boing today...I just love the expression on the face of the 'completed product'.



------------------------------------------------
'What people call impossible is just stuff they
haven't seen yet...'

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Thursday, September 22, 2005 1:59 PM

OXYOPIA


A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

-Oxy


------------------------------------------------
'What people call impossible is just stuff they
haven't seen yet...'

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Thursday, September 22, 2005 3:18 PM

BLUEBOMBER


Oh my gosh...that hamster thing is SO wrong, and yet, I can't seem to stop laughing....*snicker"

BWAH!

"Mwah ha ha ha...mine is an evil laugh. Now die."

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Thursday, September 22, 2005 4:05 PM

TJACK


A man walks into a talent agent's office.....
If you know the rest of the joke just tell it to yourself, and if you don't, go see The Aristocrats.

...cause Justice is the one thing you should always find.

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Thursday, September 22, 2005 4:16 PM

THEGREYJEDI


Quick shots:

Two men walked into a bar, the third one ducked.

An irishman walked past a bar.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender turns to him and says "Hey, we've got a drink named after you." The grasshopper looks up, quite puzzled and says "You have a drink named Steve?"


In bad taste, also just a joke.

Q: What to you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothin! Ya done told her twice!

--------------------------------------------------------------
Chief Engineer - USS SereniTREE
http://tomeofgrey.blogspot.com
http://www.cafepress.com/thegreyjedi
Real Fans Wait - 09/30/05

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Thursday, September 22, 2005 4:20 PM

NOX2HED


Quote:

Originally posted by Malicious:

A "friend" of mine (a MAN of course) sent these to me:

Darn, it's good to be a man.....

>snip

Your underwear is $8.95 for a six-pack

>snip




Underwear is up to $8.95 a six pack?!?

A real man wouldn’t pay that for a six pack of beer, not without some tough negotiating devolving into serious bodily injury including broken, teeth, windows and pool cues.

Of course being men, afterwards, we’d all have a good laugh, buy each other drinks and get into a discussion about some seriously inconsequential subject that would rapidly devolve into…well, eventually a new round of drinks.

(seriously, underwear is $8.95? sure glad I still have (somewhere) the two pair I found stuck behind the toilet here when I moved into this apt in ’79)


_ _ _ _ _
One of us is crazy, and it's not you!

Help! I'm standing and I can't fall down.

·Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. (J Handy)

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Thursday, September 22, 2005 4:34 PM

WILDHEAVENFARM


The new priest was so afraid he could hardly speak. Before his next service at the church, he asked the senior priest how to relax. "Next week," said the priest, "It may help to put martinis in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly in your speech."
That Sunday the young priest put his elder's suggestions to work, and really talked up a storm. After the sermon he asked the higher priest how he liked it. The higher priest said. "There are a few things you should remember before addressing a congregation."

Sip, don't gulp the martinis.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the shit out of him.
We don't refer to the Cross as the "Big T".
Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at Taffy's.
We don't refer to Jesus Christ and His disciples as J.C. and the Boys.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
It's the Virgin Mary, not Mary with the Cherry.
Last, but not least, the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not known as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."

Mary
Always a beast, never a burden.

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Thursday, September 22, 2005 5:13 PM

SERENITYVALLEY


Now if you can tell me which classic (as far as I'm concerned) TV Show this is from (without looking it up!), I will...well I won't really do anything but love you forever, but that should be enough.

My mate bought a pair of shoes with artificial intelligence. Smart Shoes, they were called.
No matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. He got ratted one night in Oslo, and woke up the next morning in Burma.
See, the shoes got bored. They wanted to see the world. He couldn't get rid of them. Whenever he sold them, they'd show up again the next day and kick the door down. Last thing he heard,
they'd robbed a car and driven into a canal.
- They couldn't steer. Petersen was blown away about by it. He went to see a priest. He said that the shoes had gone to heaven.
It turns out shoes have "souls".


http://www.simple-assault.com/Firefly.htm

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Friday, September 23, 2005 12:12 AM

DUCESTECUM


ROTFLMAO! Thanks for sharing!

And I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an over-abundance of schooling. Mal, Train Job

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Friday, September 23, 2005 12:14 AM

DUCESTECUM


Quote:

Originally posted by Malicious:

A "friend" of mine (a MAN of course) sent these to me:



Darn, it's good to be a man.....


Your last name stays put

The garage is all yours

Wedding plans take care of themselves

Chocolate is just another snack

You can be President

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park

Car mechanics tell you the truth

The world is your urinal

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one is just too "icky"

Same work, more pay

Wrinkles add character

Wedding dress-$5,000; tux rental $100

People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected

New shos don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet

One mood, ALL the time

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat

You know stuff about tanks

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase

You can open all your own jars

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend

Your underwear is $8.95 for a six-pack

Everything on your face stays its original color

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough

You don't have to stop and think which way to turn a nut on a bolt

You almost never have strap problems in public

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes

You don't have to shave below your neck

Your belly usually hides your big hips

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th in 45 min. or less



Now do you understand why men are so cheerful


Mal-licious

I'm going to add cursing and the hurling about of things to my repertoire.




Ain't it the truth! Thanks for sharing!

And I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an over-abundance of schooling. Mal, Train Job

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Friday, September 23, 2005 12:15 AM

DUCESTECUM


Quote:

Originally posted by Malicious:
Oh, and here's one our beloved Jefe Magnifico de la ThisLand Brownitopia (BadgersHat) sent me, it's in the religious theme that started this thread:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the Pearly Gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at them with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."


Mal-licious

I'm going to add cursing and the hurling about of things to my repertoire.



Too Funny! Thanks Malicious!

And I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an over-abundance of schooling. Mal, Train Job

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Friday, September 23, 2005 12:25 AM

DUCESTECUM


Thanks to everyone who responded. I've started my morning off with several sorely needed belly laughs! TGIF!

And I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an over-abundance of schooling. Mal, Train Job

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Friday, September 23, 2005 4:56 AM

LETOV


Quote:

Originally posted by SerenityValley:
Now if you can tell me which classic (as far as I'm concerned) TV Show this is from (without looking it up!), I will...well I won't really do anything but love you forever, but that should be enough.

My mate bought a pair of shoes with artificial intelligence. Smart Shoes, they were called.
No matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. He got ratted one night in Oslo, and woke up the next morning in Burma.
See, the shoes got bored. They wanted to see the world. He couldn't get rid of them. Whenever he sold them, they'd show up again the next day and kick the door down. Last thing he heard,
they'd robbed a car and driven into a canal.
- They couldn't steer. Petersen was blown away about by it. He went to see a priest. He said that the shoes had gone to heaven.
It turns out shoes have "souls".


http://www.simple-assault.com/Firefly.htm



Oh man, I love Red Dwarf.



- Leto_V

"Well, my days of not taking you
seriously are certainly coming to
a middle." - Mal

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Friday, September 23, 2005 5:15 AM

SERENITYVALLEY


Quote:

Oh man, I love Red Dwarf.


*hugs* Me too!

http://www.simple-assault.com/Firefly.htm

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