Chronic Pain Psychosis.

UPDATED: Thursday, June 6, 2013 23:09
VIEWED: 2738
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Tuesday, June 4, 2013 11:38 PM


I've been busy elsewhere, and frankly haven't had much motivation to discuss anything with folks so bent on "side" they forget the difference between right and wrong, but imma bring this one in hopes of maybe getting people to think a bit, and maybe, just maybe, that someone, anyone else might read it...
And know that they are not alone.

Most of you know I suffer from chronic pain, end result of being seriously cyborged in order to even function, and coming as a result of deliberate medical neglect intended to cause my death, first as a mercy, and then later as retaliation for not having the decency to up and die when I was supposed to (note on that, the person primarily responsible was not only positively identified, but brought to justice this very year, FINALLY). and hence I spend more time than I would like in a wheelchair, and advancing age has exponentially multiplied the misery.

Well, I'm going to put you all in my shoes, just for a little while, so you understand just what it is like, and perhaps why a certain misanthropic hostility is justified.

Take a deep breath, clear your mind, and focus....
Not imagine that you've sustained an injury, a compound fracture, to be specific, just to be going on with, and it's brutal, and messy, and it hurts like glory hell.

You get to the doctor, and what does he tell you ?
He *can't* treat you, he doesn't dare, doing so could risk his license to practice, get the DEA all up in his shit, so too bad, so sad, suck it up, it doesn't really hurt THAT bad, you're just a whiner.

Obviously, you'd not be happy with this notion whatever, and now, on top of all this, you get told your very righteous anger at being fucked over and left to suffer is a psychological DISORDER, misplaced, unjustified, all in your head - yanno, like the pain from the VERY OBVIOUS PHYSICAL INJURY is as well.

Maybe you should go get some anger management, cause you've apprently no right to be pissed at being left to suffer and maybe die, oh no, it's all YOUR fault, maybe for being injured in the first place, maybe for not being tough enough to just suck it up, but by no means are you supposed to blame the folks who held back treatment and relief, of course not.

And so you turn to self-service medical care, even though much less effective, technically illegal, and certainly not the most pleasant experience in the world, but you know, all that pain is just an illusion, you're just a whiner, it doesn't REALLY hurt...

And as the days and years go by, and you lose more and more function and finally in desperation turn to the bottle, and all your friends and associates are afraid of you and avoid you due to your radical personality changes and bad temper - it has nothing to do with the bitter suffering that makes you wanna die, of course not, cause that doesn't REALLY exist, it's all in your head, maybe you need therapy, cause gawd forbid we give you so much as an iota of painkiller, oh noes, can't have that, the DEA would shit a brick, so just sit back down in your helpless little wheelchair unable to even vacuum your house without crawling on the floor like an animal.

Then comes the rage, the vile, bitter jealous HATRED of those more able than you, and their dismissive pity and automatic well-trained and TAUGHT assumption that you're just malingering, that really you should just suck it up, and the puritannical RELIGIOUS notion that suffering is good for you, even when it is a religion you not only do not subscribe to, but consider a vertiable fountain of evil, practiced in large part by folks so twisted that murder would be mercy.

And finally, when everyone fears your razor tongue and temper to the point where you have nothing left but an endless spiral of days when you can barely function in a crippling haze of pain and lonliness and all of society acts like it's all your fault, what is there to do but work towards the active destruction of that society and all within it, because you no longer have any empathetic link to humans you so despise that you feel cleaning them and the whole biosphere out in nuclear fire would probably be the happiest ending possible ?
That being of course the notion of persons who can think beyond themselves, as opposed to most sufferers of chronic pain who at that wits end generally chose suicide, but for some, that's not ENOUGH, cause it lets off the hook all those who contributed to that suffering via ignorance, apathy or malice, and one shouldn't carry debts into the afterlife unless one has the means to pay them from there... and as the great unknown gives few clues in advance, better to pay out beforehand whenever possible.

How you treat people - determines what they become, and if you treat someone like a punching bag, if you contribute to a society that does so, one should not be too surprised when a couple jabs and hooks come their way in return.

This is not rhetoric, imagine if THIS was you....

Oh that doesn't hurt, having ground up bones and 3/8" coarse thread spikes driven through your flesh and infections and left to suffer and die doesn't hurt a bit, and you're a malingerer and a whiner for feeling that way and maybe need some therapy... grrr *hisssss*
You people, you have no *IDEA* what it is to hate, to really, really hate, with the power of a thousand suns... and honestly, I hope none of you ever, ever do, cause I would not wish that on anyone ever.

Did you know that out of all PTSD cases, somewhere around 12-15% come as a direct result of chronic pain, and the social and medical attitudes in respect to it ?
That a sufficient amount or duration of it can cause a psychotic break, mild schizophrenia, or even borderline MPD - the latter two when pain relief is intermittent rather than denied entire, as such causes radical and substantial changes in personality and mentation ?
That when treatment is denied entire, alcoholism and suicide become unpreventable and INEVITABLE ?
How is this not murder ?

Again, how you treat people determines what they become, and I suspect at least some portion of the saboteurs of your society are folks who's treatment at the hands thereof has left them with enough grudge to want to destroy it.
Heaven knows that's true in my case.

And I am not the only one...
We are Legion.
We do not forgive.
We do not forget.
Expect us.

Fair warning: If I can't help bring sanity to this society, or feel it a lost cause...
Then why would I not work towards it's total destruction and all within it ?


This post is dedicated to Siobhan Reynolds, former operator of the Pain Relief Network, oh so conveniently taken out in a "small plane crash" which oh-so-conveniently took out her lawyer as well, what a miraculous COINCIDENCE, don't ya think ?


Wednesday, June 5, 2013 6:31 AM


So sorry Frem. It ain't much, but I feel for ya. All the frustration and rage and grief.

And yes, I never forget siobhan reynolds.


Disobedience is not an issue if obedience is not the goal.


Wednesday, June 5, 2013 1:05 PM


...You lost your goddamn leg. What does it take for people to GET A CLUE?!

Maybe they just pretend it's magically still there!

Also ohthankgoodness it's Frem it turns out I'm terrible at representing anarchy.


Wednesday, June 5, 2013 3:55 PM


Keep the Shiny side up

My nephew sustained a back injury in an industrial accident and is on 100% disability. Apparently, the biggest pain management concern of his doctors isn't to treat his pain, but to get him off 'addictive' pain meds like oxycontin. Since he's gonna be on pain meds the rest of his life, seems addiction is sort'a a moot point.

"When your heart breaks, you choose what to fill the cracks with. Love or hate. But hate won't ever heal. Only love can do that."


Thursday, June 6, 2013 10:46 AM


John Lee, conspiracy therapist at Hollywood award-winner History Channel-mocked SNL-spoofed wooHOO!!!!!!

Have you tried lithium? Or a hot-rod wheelchair?

Lithium orotate = natural mineral without a prescription used by President Ronald Reagan and increases the grey matter in the brain, chelates aluminum in brains of Alheimers patients, increases parathyroid hormone to improve energy. Lithium carbonate has the opposite effect.

Lithium carbonate = toxic pharmaceutical prescribed by MDs and formerly in 7-UP cola.

Lithium chloride = mormerly sold OTC as a salt substitute

Lithium is prescribed for anxiety/panic disorders not just bi-polar manic depression.


Thursday, June 6, 2013 11:43 AM


Good to see you back, Frem. I miss your rage.

And sorry to hear of your plight.


Thursday, June 6, 2013 1:11 PM


Welcome back Frem..............there are no words, but you've got this dysfunctional family.............FFF



Thursday, June 6, 2013 2:02 PM


Hey Frem. Missed you.

I had my time of chronic pain that I thought at the time would lead to loss of mobility. Which is basically my life. If I can't dance, I don't need to be alive.

It's a hollow empathy, because I was lucky enough to escape the gulf that loomed before me through actions of one very cool doctor and a patient advocate who bucked the system on my behalf. Still, because of what I went through I can't read your post without some grinding of teeth. I know a little about that kind of frustration. Frustration isn't a good enough word.

So sorry for what has happened to you. All I can hope is that it has made you a warrior for others in your place, and that you will (and have) helped people as others helped me.


Thursday, June 6, 2013 4:40 PM


Sorry to hear of your troubles.

It ain't much to help, but we're family here, You may be our crazy angry Uncle Frem, but you are OUR crazy angry uncle. Closest I can offer to help is "Shared pain is divided, shared joy is multiplied." You're home, we'll close ranks around you. What can we do to help? Just ask.


Thursday, June 6, 2013 5:03 PM


Gettin' old, but still a hippie at heart...

I wish you well, Frem. I wish it weren't so. I know from chronic pain, but nothing like you experience. I wish it weren't so.


Thursday, June 6, 2013 5:07 PM


That's all very heartwarming, and I do appreciate it - mostly my ire is directed at the notion that anger is an inappropriate response to being hung out to dry like that, as many folks are in worse shape than me, yanno ?

Comes a time, being seriously tooth-grindingly pissed *IS* the correct response, it's not a "disorder" to be angry, to feel emotions - that's all just more of the puritan deny-your-humanity garbage which leads to so much evil, and is in my opinion the root cause of the lack of empathy which leads to medical personnel leaving folks in pain like that.

What really set me off was doing some research into the relationship between chronic pain and mental illness, and finding that most of the supposedly scholarly articles on it are of the blame-the-patient variety and dismiss the notion out of hand, or have the causality reversed.
HOW this crap got through any kind of actual peer-review I can't imagine, unless our medical care system is way more screwed up and most of our doctors are sociopaths.



Thursday, June 6, 2013 6:59 PM


I believe in solving problems, not sharing them.

Oh Frem, I feel for you, I really do. And to be so ... dismissed, blamed, psycholigized... for a real problem. ARRGHH! All I can think of is that psychologists are acting with doctor-herd mentality, and are in a self-protective mode.


Thursday, June 6, 2013 8:11 PM


Goodbye, kind world (George Monbiot) - In common with all those generations which have contemplated catastrophe, we appear to be incapable of understanding what confronts us.


I was wondering where you were. I was hoping you were merely busy.

In my own particular way I understand some of what you feel in terms of pain. FWIW what you call anger I call rage.

At this point the only thing I can think of that might be helpful to you isn't to suggest you need a new and better doctor, instead I think you need a good lawyer. Unfortunately I'm not in a position to provide one, or even suggest one.

Is there anyone you trust that you could hand those reins over to - at all?


Thursday, June 6, 2013 11:09 PM


Well, what I was busy with... *sigh*... was convincing some folk to all but commit suicide for a cause that will likely be dismissed and ignored...
I fear for Glenn Greenwald - poor bastard's on the fast track to winding up like Gary Webb.

That and revisiting, refiling, and otherwise dealing with moving a mountain of 21 years of medical and legal paperwork, the endless litany of lies, chicanery, stonewalling - being forced to hold to the letter of the rules while the other side can ignore or even change them at a whim, and everyone pointing the finger at everyone else while I suffered, NOT good for mental stability to view down that double-decade hell all at once, and worth a valium or two if I had any.
Only positive note of it all is that collating it by hand showed me a pattern and positively identified one of the main stonewallers/sabotagers who seemed to have a problem with me from the get-go and has been rendered some just (and some un-just, cause I am NOTHING if not thorough) rewards for that bullshit.

As for being dismissed, psyched and blamed for a very real problem - this isn't the first go-round with that one!
See, there's this little something called Gerstmanns Syndrome, by virtue of the fact that the area around the Angular Gyruss in my head is prettymuch nothing but scar tissue, whether by virtue of birth defect or my fathers abuse is immaterial at this point.

Now, one dubious "benefit" to it is that I am ambidextrous, which is damn handy, especially now that I can no longer shoot left-handed cause of damage to the knuckles on that side... but the downside is a poor sense of direction and left-right disorientation - as a cab driver they used to call me "Wrongway" cause I needed a compass on a string to not get lost.

But the two primary, and most crucial characteristics are Dyscalculia and Dysgraphia, ESPECIALLY the latter - being Dyscalc is bad enough, lemme explain that in short form, it means the part of the brain which you use for "higher" math, stuff like Algebra, Trig, Calculus - the part of my brain which would perform those functions DOES NOT EXIST, or at least does not function, AT ALL.
The very *best* I can do is either a cut-and-paste bit of trickery, or in rare cases I can cook up a high speed linear math calculation to do the same thing, albeit less efficiently.

That was a small part of my reason for bailing out of high school two years early and going for a GED, I had other more important reasons, but being functionally UNABLE to pass an Algebra class (and honestly, when was the last time your average joe USED that stuff for real, hmm?) was definately one factor to me getting out of dodge before that one blew up in my face.

But the worst, the absofuckinlute worst, is Dysgraphia - lemme explain hell to you, here.
In order to even TRY to write by hand, I have to do a weird kind of cut-and-paste to the part of the brain you use for drawing pictures, and individually and laboriously "draw" each letter, working against already damaged or missing small motor nerves - this is burdensome at first and rather swiftly becomes painful, escalating into excruciating very quickly.

Not all of you might remember, but at one time "handwriting" was a grade school class, and NOT elective, and one can only imagine the misery, but oh it gets better - idiot teachers wanting you to copy copious notes, and docking your grade for crummy penmanship, and don't EVEN get me started on the outright motherfucking sadism of demanding a Dysgraph pen a thousand repetative lines as a disciplinary measure... Pritchard could go fuck himself, and I told him so, thus resulting in my expulsion from that school cause I flat would not under any circumstances or coercion whatsoever do it, over my dead body, literally, and I meant every damn word.

And then being docked on every assignment once I had busted my ass to the point of exhaustion and beyond to be able to afford a dot matrix printer for my Tandy CoCo III (modified) and found that I could type without the blinding, crushing misery - but of course they wanted it hand-written and would dock me, but they were just gonna hafta DEAL.

Now, all clear that ?
And here is the red rum dinger - back then no one had even heard of Dysgraphia, hell they were still treating Dyslexic folk with humiliation and abuse, so it was ALL, repeat ALL considered to be just me being a malingerer, being weak, being a whiner - something sold to me for years and years, and I didn't even KNOW what Gerstmanns was till certain injuries required scans that revealed it in the early 2000's.

Rage ?
Erm, well - it's been said by some that I really only HAVE two emotions, contentment and annoyance, and it's all on a slide scale between them....
But when I found out that all the verbal and emotional abuse I'd been subject to over my handwriting was as a result of denial of a physical cause I could not have helped, that all the viciousness heaped upon me was unjustified....
I went full on Berserkerang for the first time in YEARS, and totally *destroyed* my office, only winding down at all due to what the doc suspects was a mild stroke, as I went down with a profuse nosebleed and one eye ludicrously bloodshot - which is why I really have to keep a lock on my temper, cause the next time I completely blow a fuse is almost certainly gonna be my LAST.

As for handing the reins over, that's long and long since been done - I am no longer anywhere in the command structure of VI or CoTL, and factually VI is more social club than muscle anymore cause frankly beating people half to death and bombing/torching isn't really necessary now that the fight against the hellcamps has been brought into the open, although so long as I live I will never stop reminding them that those tactics are WHY and HOW it GOT dragged into the open in the first place, and without them the whole shebang would still be dismissed outright as mere conspiracy theory while more teens suffered and died.. I will *NOT* allow them to forget that at one time that level of violence, of brutality, was absolutely and critically necessary.

In regards to CoTL, my existence itself is threat enough, they either negotiate with Justin or he threatens to cut my leash - universally, they negotiate, say what one will about diplomacy, without a really goddamn big stick at hand it isn't half as effective as advertised.
He gets annoyed though, cause even "retired" and having no further affiliation I do tend to meddle, and sometimes we both wind up addressing the same issue and my means and methods of it drive him up a goddamn wall, sure.

The security biz kinda runs itself, and other than administrative, my primary duties are 4 x 40 minute walkabouts of a very small property 5-6 nights a week, and the day I can no longer physically manage THAT, I might as well just roll over and give up.... funny how despite that I can still "infer" enough scary to really cow the neighborhood creeps - latest funny bit was them returning a bunch of stolen property after finding out I was seriously pissed and willing to escalate against them - hilarious that the harder I try to "sell" the gimpy old man thing to them the less they buy it, no matter how close to true it is.
(Closer than I'd like, but not so close as I pretend)

As for doctors and lawyers, the only doc I can afford is a good guy, and knowledgeable, but he takes a LOT of shit for being of middle-eastern descent even though a second generation born american citizen, and if he even tries to prescribe any pain relief to anyone, the DEA would be up his ass with a microscope lickety split...
His family has left the country as of last year, unable or unwilling to deal with the nonstop fucking racism and poking/prodding/baiting from our so-called-protectors, and he's making preparations to go with em, and thank you very fucking much, american "society" for that, cause then I will have NO doctor I can afford.

My lawyer on the other hand, is the baddest motherfucker on a legal front I've *ever* known, seriously this guy could curb-stomp Wolfram and Hart, only he's so damn evil folks assume I summoned him out of a pentacle of virgins blood or something, when the truth is that I am the only one willing to fix his shitty Caddillac as he has this damn ATTITUDE about things, that once he's handed you money he owns your ass till the job is done, and consequently no mechanic around here will tolerate his bullshit, and also that he's so damn misogynistic it's a wonder the man has EVER been laid outside of a business transaction - mind you he's writing off a huge expense ledger for tax purposes by helping me, heaven knows he ain't doin it out of the goodness of his little black heart...
He's also a very, very smart bastard in that he will not *LET* me pay him, he knows damn well just how much I hate "owing" anything or anyone, and he plays on it, keeping that card in reserve in case he needs it, but it rooks me soooooo bad, and he knows it - the one time I tried to force the issue he put the check in the shredder, bastard.

He's good though, no doubt about it.







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