Worst of the Worst - Contribute to The Most Awful Fic Ever Written by jetflair

BLUE SUN ROOM

Worst of the Worst - Contribute to The Most Awful Fic Ever Written

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POSTED BY: JETFLAIR
UPDATED: Friday, February 17, 2012 08:36
SHORT URL: http://bit.ly/r2yBfe
VIEWED: 72557
PAGE 5 of 5

Tuesday, October 18, 2011 1:19 PM

Oh, man, I am out of my depth. I thought my ideas were bad, but between you and Bytemite, Mincingbeast, I am completely out of my league.

The only thing I can think of is: Reavers who cry. And cause Jayne to break down in tears, too. His limpid periwinkle eyes cloud with tears as he thinks on the Shepherd. Who also breaks down in tears.

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Tuesday, October 18, 2011 1:27 PM

BYTEMITE

Other tears fall as well. From a certain anatomical feature.

Tears may or may not be blood depending on how much fail we want with basic biology.

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Tuesday, October 18, 2011 1:48 PM

MINCINGBEAST

Tears from the eyes may be bloody; don't you know anything about vampires?

Tears from wieners may be bloody, too, or so I suspect. I will attempt to prove the point.

In any event, I'm working with a character, a Reaver. He is a Reaver with one of those delightful propeller beanies by the name of Beaver Reaver. He has slignshot in his back pocket. He may, or may not have down syndrome, but he is certainly good natured. Rather than howling and grunting like a Reaver, he frantically squeals and giggles.

He is still a Reaver, however, so he'll have to sodomize and devour Jayne, merrily, who will appear in the next scene uninjured, and also Chinese.

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Tuesday, October 18, 2011 3:55 PM

BYTEMITE

Fountains of blood, that shouldn't be blood, in scenes that shouldn't be Firefly?

This bad fic is shaping up nicely.

Beaver Reaver. XD That's... Just awful. A twofer of violating normally wholesome television.

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Tuesday, October 18, 2011 4:40 PM

MINCINGBEAST

Perhaps the fic would be viler if it were sincere? A truly wretched fic tricks you into thinking not only only "someone took the time to write this", but also "somebody means this and it makes them feel good." Or at least maintains the illusion for a paragraph or two. Subtle is difficult, though, and I prefer easy. More Reaver cock it is.

Anyway, dialogue is vitally important, as remarked elsewhere in this thread. "Joss speak" should be easy to corrupt/subvert/do poorly, to great irritating effect. For example, Mal with an exaggerated, awkward, stilted Western twang, with embellishments of Elizabethan English. Inara's vocabulary is limited to purple, 10ncent words and dick euphemisms.

Also, the only adjective is "shiny."

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Tuesday, October 18, 2011 4:50 PM

BYTEMITE

Gentle reader, if my suggestions of graphically bloody sex have caused disturbance, let me be the first to assure you that I have no proclivities in that direction. Rather, you must understand that there are things that a person might read that they MUST find a way to laugh at, or the mind would explode.

What I mean is, all of this is generally based off something I have actually read. Eventually I learned to laugh at it, for the sake of sanity preservation.

Now I actively seek out badfic for the entertainment value.

But these are not things I would like to see happen to any character, or the actors playing them.

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Tuesday, October 18, 2011 4:56 PM

BYTEMITE

Oh yes, feigned sincerity is the worst kind of horror. Rather like my offensive stereotypes, ostensibly written by someone who genuinely believed those stereotypes, and the horrible anti-gay and very hypocritical Jack Chick Tract style story.

Along those lines:

Book turns out to be Zoe's younger and very hot sister (Yes, I meant sister, though for some reason he may still be described as having some male anatomy). He turns Mal back to God through blandly undescribed pre-marital sex (such as "he picked her up and they did the whoo whoo"). Book then convinces Mal to kill Inara because she is an evil slut (and a satanic Buddhist), and they burn River at the stake for being a witch. The girls both go to hell, where the demons are Reavers, while Book and Mal ascend to heaven, and Mal says that he is gay for Jesus.

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Saturday, December 17, 2011 5:52 PM

WYTCHCROFT

So no/one heard about the post-dollhouse (discussion fallout) reboot then huh?

Well it DID get pretty flamey for a while but now the dust has settled I can reveal a few choice facts which will have to be woven into the fic – tough retcon I know, but tough is what we browncoats do right?

Ok so, yes, the high school scenario is true; after a cataclysmic invasion by reavers Psychic Indie Agent River Tam is sent back in time with a mission to bring down Blue Sun. The origins of Blue Sun are known to have been in the elite Academy known as the Doll Factory. River infiltrates the Academy posing as a new student from overseas. Everyone thinks she’s French. So funny.

But the fun is only just starting as we are quickly introduced to the crew of the Firefly most of whom were (at the last minute) downloaded into the various pieces of future tech that River has brought along. So cute.
Jayne is now a lunch pail and man is he ever hungry – he’s always hungry! Inara is a dazzling powder compact and frequently clashes with a sulky Mal who is now an over zealous lipstick. Wash has been resurrected (of course, no spoiler there) which delights Zoe, and Wash is still the best pilot there is. Hilarity ensues when we discover that they are now both Running Shoes (no brand info as yet, my guess is it will be someone awesome) - poor River, the frequent clashes between this husband and wife team lead to some epic comedy moments (the sequence I saw made good use of Summer’s dance training – wow that girl can give with the wacky!).

Ok, that’s’ the gadgets. And I know, you’re thinking “where’s Simon?” well, ok, twist no.1: Simon isn’t a gadget; Simon is in River’s head! What it is to have a psychic for a sister huh? But there is a snag! In classic Ben is Glory?? style neither Tam is aware of the other. Man does this bring on some Harem type Manga chuckles as they BOTH enroll separately in same sex halls of residence.

Ok, now here comes the crux of the pilot – the 1st big bad, future Blue Sun director, turns out to be a vixen called… wait for it Saffron! You heard it here first! (Although rumour has it that this time around she’s played by Shirley Manson). Childhood armour plating has left our Saf’ immune to every weapon but one… a sword, a sword from the future, a sword called… SERENITY.

As it turns out, obtaining Serenity is pretty easy but again, da snag; for Serenity is no ordinary sword, oh no, it’s a sword with a conscience for imbedded deep beneath the steel is the heart and soul of an enigmatic priest known only as Shepherd Book.

I know. Like, wow right? I can’t wait – in fact I may have a fic just thinking about it!
Anyway kudos – THIS really. Best fic ever.
Stay Shiny,
wytch ;)

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Saturday, December 17, 2011 9:11 PM

BYTEMITE

Cross-over, huh? I've seen a few good ones, but most of them do seem to dilute the two things or lose sight of both verses instead of combine them into something more potent.

The time travel is a nice touch, also some of the weirder parts of Dollhouse (like having a relationship with a guy who's only in your head, who also in this case happens to be her brother. ._.).

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Friday, February 10, 2012 6:57 PM

PENQUIN11

the crew goes to the Academy just to find that it is a place of happiness and joy. As it turns out River has been batshit insane since birth. Oh also the Academy main purpose is to stop the death of kittens and to cure cancer.

Simon: "River this place is not evil, they aim to protect innocent kittens and cure cancer."

River: *while sobbing "I f*cking hate kittens"

oh and Book was formerly gogo gadget or robo cop.

zoe gets with jayne

the alliance contracts darth vader to hunt down River

Mal has a psychotic break that is so bad that River seems sane

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Wednesday, February 15, 2012 11:14 AM

BARDOFSHADOW

Goofy Bard & Storyteller

who needs tv with threads/fanfics like this? :D

Its A Strange World, Charlie Brown

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Wednesday, February 15, 2012 12:53 PM

BYTEMITE

The sobbing "I hate kittens" is what gets me.

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Wednesday, February 15, 2012 12:54 PM

BYTEMITE

Give us your trash, we will make it grotesque hyper-violent filth.

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Thursday, February 16, 2012 7:36 AM

BYTEMITE

Ooh! Another idea. Expanding on this horrible River-superbaby epidemic...

In a fight against the AU high school bully, she gives birth as a combat tactic. The baby is born armed with handguns, provides cover fire, and uses its umbilical cord as a combination lasso and zipline.

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Friday, February 17, 2012 8:36 AM

PENQUIN11

I would love to see the following:

1. River goes joker style and starts with the "Do you know how I got these scars" shit.

2. Jayne collecting dolls- not sex dolls either- like the collectable ones

3. Simon goes rambo on everyones ass

4. A scene with Mal taking care of 16 babies; possibly his own and definitely all twins, at once.

5. Firefly gets pimped.

6. Another stereotypical Black Person- this time perhaps not preacher, comes aboard the Serenity. This should possibly be a woman this time.

7. River turns out to be a lesbian

8. The crew puts Sheperd Books Soul into a R2D2 unit.

9. Jayne becomes a supporter of feminism

10. Kaylee is actually abusive towards simon- like beats him.

11. Vera turns out to be the name of Jaynes former lost love.

12. Simon makes repedative sexual jokes relating to needle length and ect.

13. River's Lesbian partner is Yosafbridge

14. Some sort of left for dead themed adventure takes place on Miranda- of course involving the dead Miranda citizens becoming zombies.

15. River attempts to explain how it is that multiple stars can be in a single system without f*cking up the orbit or being next to each other.

16. Jayne discovers the meaning of life

17. River sucks at pilotting the Serenity- because she is a woman

18. Simon sucks at driving anything- because he is a woman

19. Yosafbridge becomes a legit crew member or decides to right her wrongs-

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