Insert disclaimers here. Me own nothing.

There's been so much Jayne vs. Simon (usually over Kaylee) floating around recently, I thought a little humor with the two of them might lighten it up.

I leave it as an exercise for the reader as to how our boys got into this situation.

**

"Huh." Jayne found himself face down on a table, drooling into the woodgrain. He supposed he should be surprised by this, but to be truthful, it was a common occurance when Serenity was in port. No, his surprise was more from finding himself with company for this particular hangover. Not three feet to his left, he found Simon snoring away.

"Doc. Get up." Jayne sat up and wiped the spit from his face, taking stock of the room. It was your average Rim world bar: dusty, poorly lit, smelling of smoke and less savory substances. Sadly, the surroundings were not helping him remember what had happened the night before, or why he woke up laying on a table next to Simon rather than in the arms of a lovely lady.

Serenity had pulled into Boros late yesterday afternoon, dropping off some cargo while picking up supplies. The Captain had been persuaded to make a night of it, so leaving the ship was in order so long as you got back before it was time to leave. Jayne had put on his "whorin' clothes", as Kaylee had once dubbed them, with the full intention of doing just that. He'd almost made it out the door when the yelling had started in the common room.

Simon had come scurrying out into the cargo bay, a livid Kaylee right behind him, brandishing a wrench. "Simon Tam! You are absolutely impossible!" It was fairly obvious that Simon had once again shovelled both feet into his mouth, and Kaylee had reached her tolerance for the day. Lord knew that by tomorrow she'd be all lovey, and they'd be making out in the most unlikely places again. But for the moment, he was damn glad that he wasn't in the Doc's shoes.

"Kaylee, bao bei..." Simon had tried to explain himself, and as usual had made a right hash of it. Mal, Zoe, and River had turned up once the sound of tools crashing against bulkheads became more pronounced. The upshot was that Kaylee had stormed back to the engine room, while Simon had been sent out on the town with Jayne to keep him out of the line of fire. Ruttin' hell. They'd holed up in a bar, trading drinks, telling stories, and - once Simon got drunk enough - describing the particulars of Kaylee's birthmarks.

And that was the last gorram thing Jayne remembered. "Doc!' He leaned over and shoved Simon's arm. Simon shot up out of his chair, coming awake instantly.

"Huh?! What? Someone hurt?" Simon always assumed that if someone was waking him up, he was needed to perform surgery right away. Seeing that there was no one in need of medical attention - although now that he thought about it, some aspirin might come in handy - he began to take stock of the situation. "Jayne? Why are we still in the bar?"

Jayne was going to answer him, but was pulled up short once one very crucial fact was brought to his attention. HIs mouth popped open and all he could do was stare.

Simon Tam was not wearing pants.

Doc still had his skivvies on, thank the Lord, but that was small comfort. Jayne was starting to find his lack of memory downright unsettlin'. "Doc? Why ain't you wearin' your drawers? Did we do somethin' you didn't need no pants for?"

Simon look at him in confusion, looked down, and turned a rather unhealthy shade of red. "Well, ummmm." He looked accusingly at Jayne. "What exactly did we do last night?" His eyes widened as he started to panic. "Oh, God. We didn't go....whoring, did we? Kaylee will kill me!"

"Just untwist yer panties there, Doc. If we did go whorin', we wouldn't be down here sleepin' on the tables, dong ma?" Jayne was thinking as fast as he could. The only plan he could come up with was to get back to Serenity and get the Doc some trousers before the boy had himself a heart attack. Jayne heaved himself from the table. "Look, we just need to get ourselves back to the ship an' figger out....what in the nine hells is so funny?" Simon had suddenly slapped his hand over his mouth and was wordlessly pointing to Jayne's lower body, shaking with laughter. Jayne looked down.

Go se. He wasn't wearing pants, either. And he had his fancy undies on, too.

"Aw, hell. Let's just get back." He grabbed Simon by the elbow and propelled him out the door.

"Jayne?"

"What?"

"Teddy bears?"

"Shut it, Doc."