KILLPACK'S BLOG

Killpack

Space most likely
Monday, March 19, 2012

So I recently had an idea to write a firefly type novel and so I decided to just write a couple lines to get my mind flowing and this is what I came up with, mind you there is no story yet , no outline or anything I just wanted to see if I could do this and so here it is, please let me know what you think.


It was a beautiful day , despite certain unforeseen calamities .
I can not believe this confounded luck I'm having today damnit! If its not one thing its another. When will I ever find a damned mechanic worth his weight in platinum. I yell in frustration as I throw my torque converter against the wall, sparks flying as it lands on the floor with a loud clanking of the titanium plating.
Jess! will you get Monte down to the engine room right now! what does he think I am paying him for , to sleep in his bunk all day and let my ship lay dead in the water?
As I leap up the the stairs leading out of the engine room two at a time , I head towards the quiet of my captains quarters. As Im briskly walking to my room I catch glimpes of my nervous crew out of the corners of my eyes as I pass them , all trying to look hurriedly at work doing whatever they are supposed to be doing at the moment. As I round the corner and come upon my quarters I smash into my medic James. An armful of medical supplies goes flying down the corridor in this direction and that. Son of A**** I barely get out as my lungs have all the air rushed out when I land flat on my back with a loud thud.
Damn-it James watch where your going ! I yell as I pick myself up
S-ss-sorry sir! My mistake , it won't happen again! he says as he scurries around picking up his supplies.
Just don't let it happen again , ok? as I continue to my room and access the com panel to open my door. I ease into my room enjoying the wafting smell of gun oils fill the air and my lungs , I had laid out my guns and was cleaning them before the engine mishap, in my haste I had left them out .
I slump heavily into my favorite chair at my work bench and continue where I left off , cleaning my baby- my mark vi repeater rifle. I heft it off the bench , and feel its weight in my hands, a comfortable 9.5 pounds of precision , 60 rounds per minute , 50. cal flesh eating titanium bullets.
This gun has seen me through many a rough scramble. As I grab my cloth and finish polishing the barrel I immediately am put at ease and totally forget about my problems...its amazing what a good gun can do.

COMMENTS

Wednesday, April 11, 2012 8:48 AM

BYTEMITE


Seems to be kind of an establishing character and setting piece.

I think you've got the feel of your captain pretty well, and you also introduce your medic. If it were me, I'd introduce your other characters and what they do on the way. Then I'd toss in some description about the ship and its layout as the captain walks through, you have a little of that but not really enough to get a good picture of the procession in my head. Is it dark? Bright? You mentioned titanium panels, are they sleek and clean, used looking, the ship looks like it was taken apart a few times and has cables coming out of the wall?

This one time I was so-writing a little off-shoot Firefly RPG adventure with someone, where we had a Firefly that did not look like Serenity on the inside because the thing had crashed and had to have a lot more structural reinforcing to hold it together, which gave it a look in places more like the painted empty inside hull of a sea-faring boat or a zeppelin. The main lights in the cargo bay didn't work right so they'd outlined all the pathways and sharp areas and corners and stairs in little floor runner lights. Little unique touches that revealed the history of the ship itself.

If you don't feel like that, then I'd also say the same as some of the other comments about separating paragraphs and putting dialogue in quotation marks and other grammar aspects.

Thursday, March 22, 2012 4:22 AM

ZZETTA13


Sounds like a bit of narration by someone like Jayne! I like it!!

Killpack, good start on your fan-fic, but let me suggest, as one fan-fic writer to another, put quotations around your character speaking parts, “-----”, also interject a bit of Mandarin Chinese into you fic-work. It will help it with that Firefly feel & flow of things a little better.

Your line “Jess! will you get Monte down to the engine room right now!”

Could have been written as, “ Jess! ….Will you get Monte down to the engine room ma shong!” has more of the Joss feel to it!

Just a suggestion. Anyhoo, good luck with your writing and any story plot you are bringing to the pallet I will be waiting for. Also, be as original as you can, and be ready for the crits….those are not here to harm, but to help.

Hoping to see more of this fic, WE HOLD Z

Tuesday, March 20, 2012 3:26 PM

ANOTHERSKY


flesh eating titanium bullets sound mighty scary.

you have nice flow, just look to the editing. grammar and thinking like a reader are good places to start.


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